chapters of life

last entry

2006-09-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

Start writing in this blog since 3rd of Dec 2004. Can't believe i've been blogging for almost 2 years, checking the amount of entries written.. My, what have i write ..? =/ Should have wrote more useful stuffs, rather than just filling the pages with mere ramblings.

I've been thinking to end this blog and begin a new one. Need a bit of a change, since i'm about to start a new chapter of life as well =]. Today, as i was packing my stuffs, found this words scribbled in my long-lost book, " Change is a process of adapting to real life situations ". Heh, have to admit that i'm a lil bit wary, not knowing how thing's gonna be..but i'm ready..insyaAllah ! =D

This has been a wonderful experience for me. The opportunity to express myself in words. Opens me to new perspective about things, appreciating myself more and accepting differences around me. I've met some new people, and found old friends. And I believe that this has help to improve my English too..though there're still grammatical errors here and there heheh. Well...the learning will continue, insyaAllah...=]

I'm taking this opportunity to thank friends and readers, who have visited my blog from time to time and dropping a few lines. I know how silly some of the entries are, plus the fact that i wrote nothing grand..but knowing tht some ppl read them, it makes me really happy. Thank you, ppl..for making me feel like a real writer =].

And i humbly apologise to anyone whom i've hurt intentionally or unintentionally. For my actions or words which might have angered or offended some of the readers here. For my insensitiveness in talking about certain issues, if i have 'menyinggung' anyone, i apologise. Insya Allah..i have learned some lessons, and will try to do better in the future blog. ( if there's any, tht is..hehe )..

Well, i guess this is it..my final entry. Thanks and sorry again for everything, insyaAllah, panjang umur, ada kelapangan, kudrat serta idea2 lagi , we'll meet again. And with this coming Ramadhan, i'm wishing all of us strength to make full use of the 30 days given to us. May this coming holy month will be a fresh new start for us all, insyaAllah. Lets do our best..,semoga kita semua beroleh keberkatan dan kebaikan yang berpanjangan dunia dan akhirat...amiin..=].

Wish me luck, .. and pray for me ya.., =]..gonna miss writing in here ..

Sayonara..everyone ! \(**,)/

.."I guess I've learned, to question is to grow
That you still have faith, is all I need to know
I've learned to love, myself in spite of me
And I've learned to walk, the road that I believe .."
- 'Do I Make You Proud' by Taylor Hicks

fear of ..

2006-09-10T04:40:00.000-07:00

I think human has many fears. Even the bravest of man, must be hiding certain fear deep inside them,..they're just 'putting a brave face' to avoid showing their fear, and admit tht they too, like all other human, have something they're afraid of.. Hmm.

Fear of rejection, fearing that there is something lacking or inadequate in us which cause the rejection. Fear to display our emotions, scared that it might make us look vulnerable. And weak. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of making mistakes or making the wrong decision.

I remember having some apprehension during my first few attempts preparing meal for my dad. I would taste the soup for nearly ten times, and each time, i would frown deeply, scrutinising the taste..does this taste good? more salt, ..? is this how it should taste..? And when i present my cookings, i would steal glances at him, trying to see his expression as he take his first sip. Fear of getting the disapproving look, fear of being criticised, ..to conclude it, fear of being a failure. Fail to impress my dad.

And when i was in school, due to unnecessary fear, smtmes i keep my mouth shut in class, eventhough the answer is just at the tip of my tongue. Because i fear being jeered by friends as The 'Ms Know-it-All', ' asyik2 dia je'. And this unhealthy set of fears too smtmes prevent me from doing the right thing, fear of wht ppl might say ..like Ms Goody-Two-Shoes ..? Sealing my mouth rather than voicing the words out. Pretending i dont see, rather than taking actions with my hands. Heh, u cared more about what human think ehh..naz...

Me and my fears. Used to fear lots of things. Scared of this, afraid of that. So used to being protected all the time, warmly living in my comfort zone, enjoying doing the common things i do,why? because the common and the usuals are safe. Hmm, need to learn facing my fears upfront and just ' gung-ho' all the way. Yes..it's scary, with loads of unknown risk which send shivers up my spine just thinking about it, plus the embarassment i've to swallow if it turn out not the way i hope it would..but..well, tht's how we live in this world rite, tht's the only way to grow. Learning from our mistakes and stupidity in life.

Obstacles, life's uncertainties, and doubts... things we bound to meet along the road. The possibilities tht what we hope and want so badly, wouldn't turn reality. The risk of falling down and fail. And there will alwys be the fear, which cause us to hesitate from making the move, or taking the next step. Whatever it is, it's normal to have some fears, and no, it's not a sign of weakness. You're just a human, and having some set of fears are just part and parcel of being a human. Acknowledge ur feelings, tht smtmes u are afraid, but u can do it. And u will do it, no matter how long it takes for u to make the first step. So, take a deep breath, open ur eyes..and just do it...!

sedang ingin bercinta

2006-09-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

Dah lama nak tulis tentang perkara ini, tapi dulu aku belum begitu memahami tentang keadaan ini. Rasanya sekarang ..dah fahamlah sikit2..=]

" setiap ada kamu, mengapa jantung ku
berdetak lebih kencang
seperti genderang mahu perang

setiap ada kamu, mengapa darah ku
mengalir lebih cepat
dari hujung kaki ke hujung kepala..

setiap ada kamu, otakku berfikir
bagaimana caranya
untuk berdua bersama kamu......"

- 'Sedang Ingin Bercinta' - DEWA

Sedang aku berfikir-fikir tentang perkara ni, wondering about why this happens, di mana silapnye..blabla, Tiba-tiba terdengar lagu ni dimainkan di tv. Ahh..maybe that's the sign, .. i better write about this now. Before i lost the moment.

Pemandangan biasa atas LRT, memandangkan aku adalah salah seorg 'penyumbang utama' kemajuan ekonomi LRT (haha), jadi aku dah lali melihat telatah remaja-remaja muda, yang aku rasa..berumur 15 thn ? 17 thn? or maybe younger than tht.. Hmm. If I see adults being lovey-dovey in public places, automatically my mind would think .." ni husband and wife nih..". Berbaik sangka is better. As i have no problem with married Muslim couples showing affection in public places, plus i congratulate them ( silently, tht is..eheh), for not being afraid to let ppl know that they're in love. With their spouse, who's lawfully theirs bound together under Allah' s name. But when it's the young, 'ubun-ubun masih lembut' girls and boys, clinging to each other, hugging tightly with the boy's hand exploring the curves and resting at the girl's b**t, i just can't bring myself to berbaik sangka and think that this is a married couple, which is hard to even pretend it's true. Some of these youngsters look so young to be called a secondary student. And wht saddened me most are the girls. They look so sweet and pretty clad in headscarves, but....hmmm. Maybe 'tudung' now is only a fashion ehh..? It means nothing other than just a piece of cloth on ur head.

Okay....take a deep breath, naz. I dont like when my emotions control my writing (and im very emotional since yesterday..for some reasons..). But everytime i go out and witness these scenes in front of my eyes , i can't help but ask myself..what are these 'young couples' thinking? That this love of theirs ( or their so-claimed love ) ..gonna bring them far, that they'll get married in the next 10-15 years and live happily ever after, like wht they see in movies..? And i wonder, do their parents know about this, that their daughter is in the arms of one 'hingus belum kering' boy, whose briefs still bought by his mom..? ( opsie ). Sorry if i sound too harsh or cynical,..but, really...what is wrong here? Is it our education system, too much politic and bleah bleahh instead of really educating the students..? Or our society, busy bickering about trivial matters other thn focusing energy on real, important issues..? Or our family institution..? Some ppl plainly answer me by saying.. " dunia dh akhir zaman, naz..nak buat mcmana.."

I might be one very skema student back during my schooling years, ( err..and maybe still am now..). But i was a normal growing teenager too, and I know how it feels to like someone at tht age. I dont say tht first love at the age of 16-17 wont last long, one of my friends got married with her first love. And it happens all the time too. It just..tht's not the point here..the thing is about the behaviours of these young Muslim teenagers, who are in the 'sedang-ingin-bercinta' stage. Who's acting like the world is theirs, oblivious to the annoyed and frowned looks from elderly-s around them in LRT.( err..tht exclude me, im not tht old..=p). If this is how our generations are right now, i can't imagine wht the future holds for us, the pictures of youngsters making out in public..?

Sometimes, i feel like approaching these young girls and pull them aside, saving them from being too far drowned in the flood of their so-called-love. It's not your time yet, girl..there's someone better waiting for u down the road, trust me. Dont waste your youth with someone not worthy of ur love and time. Dont ruin urself, ur dignity, ur family name..most importantly dont do sthg tht's against our religion teachings. Have some self-worth. A good man wouldn't treat a woman they wish to make a wife tht way, rubbing here and touching there. A good man knows how to control the urges...and oh yeah, plus the fact that the boy's too young to be called a man yet. If u really like each other....it's ok, keep the relationship, there's no harm in doing tht. Nurture the friendship, support, motivate and challenge one another in studies, secure a place in a good uni, and be the best of friends till the right time comes. Having a girl/boyfriend is not a bad thing, it only becomes bad when u make it look ugly and dirty by smooching each other like tht. Especially when we know it is forbidden in our religion, without the 'ijab and kabul' to make it permissible.

When u are in the 'sedang-ingin-bercinta' stage, when u like someone so much that being close to tht person makes u go.... hmmm.. 'kalau tak kuat dalam, memang tumbang.' Well..for us Muslims, we have rules, so stick to it. The rules are there for a reason, to protect us weak humans. I think the most important thing is, to always 'Ingat Tuhan, Takut Tuhan'. Itu shj. Mudah kan..?

And besides, one thing tht maybe this young couples dont yet seem to realise, is that they still have a veryy loong road in front of them, a journey that yet to be discovered. Who knows wht God has in store for u..., dont ruin ur chances. Study hard, be a good person, ..insyaAllah..." kalau kita menunggu dengan sabar, perkara baik akan menyusul.." =]. No rushy, still a loong way to go , kid...

penawar hati

2006-08-29T18:33:00.000-07:00

"..Tuhanmu lebih mengetahui apa yang ada dalam hatimu; jika kamu orang-orang yang baik, maka sesungguhnya Dia Maha Pengampun bagi orang-orang yang bertaubat..." - ayat 25, Surah Al -Israa'.

"..Jika kamu menjauhi dosa-dosa besar di antara dosa-dosa yang dilarang kamu mengerjakannya, nescaya Kami hapus kesalahan-kesalahanmu ( dosa-dosa mu yang kecil ) dan Kami masukkan kamu ke tempat yang mulia ( syurga ) - ayat 31, Surah An Nisaa'

"..Sifat-sifat yang baik itu tidak dianugerahkan melainkan kepada orang-orang yang sabar dan tidak dianugerahkan melainkan kepada orang-orang yang mempunyai keberuntungan yang besar..." - ayat 35, Surah Al-Fushshilat.

"..Katakanlah: " Hai hamba-hamba-KU yang beriman, bertakwalah kepada Tuhanmu ". Orang-orang yang berbuat baik di dunia ini memperoleh kebaikan. Dan bumi Allah itu adalah luas. Sesungguhnya hanya orang-orang yang bersabarlah yang dicukupkan pahala mereka tanpa batas.." - ayat 10, Surah Az-Zumar.

" Dan belanjakanlah (harta bendamu) di jalan Allah, dan janganlah kamu menjatuhkan dirimu sendiri ke dalam kebinasaan, dan berbuat baiklah, kerana sesungguhnya Allah menyukai orang-orang yang berbuat baik.." - ayat 195, Surah Al Baqarah

"..Barangsiapa yang mengerjakan amal saleh, baik laki-laki mahupun perempuan dalam keadaan yang beriman, maka sesungguhnya akan Kami berikan kepadanya kehidupan yang baik, dan sesungguhnya akan Kami beri balasan kepada mereka dengan pahala yang lebih baik dari apa yang telah mereka kerjakan.." - ayat 97, Surah An Nahl.

"..Sesungguhnya Allah tidak menganiaya seseorang walaupun sebesar zarrah, dan jika ada kebajikan sebesar zarrah, nescaya Allah akan melipatgandakannya dan memberikan dari sisi-NYA pahala yang besar.." -ayat 40, Surah An Nisaa'

.." Kerana itu, ingatlah kamu kepada-KU nescaya AKU ingat pula kepadamu, dan bersyukurlah kepada-KU, dan janganlah kamu mengingkari nikmat-KU "
- ayat 152, Surah Al- Baqarah

short ponderings

2006-08-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

what make a relationship a success ...?

learn to compromise and tolerate,
learn to share and open up your feelings to another person,
enjoy each other's company,
patience,
understanding,
good communication,
have feelings to one another,
and most importantly..TRUST......
( any addition to this list, people..? =] )

but i think the best answer, would be, " two people who work together to make the relationship work "

"....being in a relationship is like getting a driver's license - if you want to be a motorist there are road rules to follow, or else you can just remain a pedestrian all ur life.." - WHY MEN DON'T HAVE A CLUE & WOMEN ALWAYS NEED MORE SHOES, by Barbara and Allen Pease.

it's the hormone !..( yeah rite..)

2006-08-20T21:31:00.000-07:00

those few days in a month. When u dont know why u feel so gloomy, lazy, unenergetic...and fat. When u have such a humoungous appetite tht cause u eating like u never eat before, like u want to swallow the entire fridge content. =/. And ruining ur body, mind and health. When suddenly u feel like crying for the slightest of reason, or sometimes for no reasonable cause at all. Being overly sensitive, cranky , moody, ...all bloated up and feeling unattractive. ..bleahh...=/....( haihhh...)

Part and parcel of being a woman ehh..? My mom disagree with this, she says tht by thinking of it tht way, woman will alwys surrender and accept this 'not-so-pretty' behaviour which will occur once in a while, in the few days before menstruation. She has a point there, should not use 'hormonal imbalances' as an excuse for acting weird or eating a lot. But ..ehehe... who else to blame other thn nature, dodging away from being the guilty person here.. ;]

eat too many chocolate. which leads to flaring up of allergy. because of allergy attack, become stressed and when u are stressed, u eat chocolate again. Talk about vicious cycle. =/.

Need to put a stop to this 'unhealthy' phase. Will start it right away....=D

Tomorrow, start ur day early. Smile to the sun..( i mean, the morning sun, not the burning hot 12 pm sun..). Wipe the 'habuk' from that bored-looking treadmill and jump on it. Read good novels, woman's magz. Meet up some friends. Go out naz, get some fresh air outside of the house, ( and stop declining invitation from ppl who's kind enough to help colour ur bland days.....)

Maybe a movie will help too...'Click' sounds like a fun movie to watch. A walk around KL..window shopping, Borders.,...and feasting at Kenny Rogers, that delicious pretzel, not forgetting the McDonald icecream =D....yeah, and also.. the..
(...Err, ..i dont think tht's part of the healthy living plan...naz ). .

thank you Allah

2006-08-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

Kecenderungan sifat manusia; mudah lupa. berkeluh-kesah. tak pernah puas. Sebelum dapat, sangat hendak, bermati-matian mahu. Tapi bila dalam genggaman, kita buat endah tak endah, kita tidak hargai.

We tend to take things and people we love for granted.

Mungkin cara untuk lebih menghargai adalah dengan mengingatkan diri kita bahawa ini adalah 'pemberian daripada Allah'. A gift from Allah. Daripada banyak-banyak hamba-NYA, Dia berikan kepada kita. Peluang untuk hidup sehingga hari ini. Kesihatan dan kehidupan yang baik. Dikurniakankan ibu ayah, adik beradik, keluarga tempat kita berlindung. Dianugerahkan kita keupayaan, kelebihan dan bakat tertentu yang mungkin tidak dimiliki orang lain. Dan dihadiahkan-NYA kita seseorang untuk menemani perjalanan hidup kita, menyalurkan fitrah berkasih sayang dengan cara yang diredhai-NYA.

Bila kita melihat seseorang atau sesuatu itu sebagai 'hadiah Allah' kepada kita, kita akan sentiasa ingin menghargainya, kerana ia pemberian dari Pencipta. Kita rasa bersyukur dan berterimakasih, serta tidak akan mensia-siakannya. Bila kita memandang 'hadiah' itu di depan mata, menerima dia menjadi milik kita, ingatkan diri bahawa ini adalah anugerah Tuhan, maka sewajarnyalah kita sebagai hamba merasa bersyukur. Pesan pada diri, anugerah Tuhan ini dipinjamkan kepada kita seketika di dunia, untuk kita menikmati sebahagian daripada kurnia Tuhan yang Maha Pemurah. Alhamdulillah..!

Terima kasih Allah..atas pemberian ini. Bantulah kami, untuk sentiasa ingat pada-Mu, bersyukur atas anugerah-MU dan memanfaatkan kurniaan-MU untuk kebaikan dunia dan akhirat. Berkatilah dan rahmatilah kami..wahai Tuhan Maha Pemurah, Tuhan Pemilik semesta alam....

Petikan sebahagian ayat 12 Surah Luqman :
".....Bersyukurlah kepada Allah. Dan barangsiapa yang bersyukur ( kepada Allah ), maka sesungguhnya ia bersyukur untuk dirinya sendiri; dan barangsiapa tidak bersyukur, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Kaya lagi Maha Terpuji.."

" ......Ya Tuhanku, tunjukilah aku untuk mensyukuri nikmat Engkau yang telah Engkau berikan kepadaku dan kepada kedua ibu bapakku, dan supaya aku dapat berbuat amal saleh yang Engkau redhai; berilah kebaikan kepadaku dengan ( memberi kebaikan ) kepada anak cucuku. Sesungguhnya aku bertaubat kepada-MU dan sesungguhnya aku termasuk orang-orang yang berserah diri.." - petikan ayat 15, Surah Al-Ahqaaf

find the meaning

2006-08-11T01:31:00.000-07:00

Do i ever mention in here before..about an amazing blog, written by a cancer patient, who suffered from a type of lung cancer..? He died peacefully on 4th of August after a year of battle to fight his cancer. May he rest in peace...

Got the chance to see him on tv, in Astro programme 'Ku Mohon', and was amazed at how calm and optimistic he was, talking about his cancer, sharing with ppl the pain and sufferings in such a way that makes it all look ,...serene and less cruel. In the frail bony figure,..smile was constantly on his face. Must be one wonderful man..

One of his entry caught my attention. About making a meaning of things that happen in life. Finding the reason to why he, ( and not some bad ppl who go around causing trouble in this world, err..this is my addition) who got inflicted with this terminal illness. And what he choose to do, to make use of his destiny, rather than blaming fate. He chose to blog his life..., hoping to increase awareness about cancer, and perhaps instill some sort of realisation in us about the important things in life. Things that we smtmes take for granted.

Here is an extract of his blog, an entry dated 22nd May 2005. Read on..maybe this can help to remind us the reasons, of our short existence in this world too..

Sunday, May 22 2005

Make Meaning

"There has to be a meaning in this". Don't we just hate it when something happened with seemingly no reason? For example someone affiliated with a disease. Some may wonder if a Higher Power is sending them a message. Some may speculate this is some form of punishment. Or one may just dismiss it as nature's lottery.

I decided to make my own meaning. Forget about Higher Power sending messages. Ain't gonna wait for no divine revelation. I want to decide, on my own, now, what I want to do with this cancer.

I was thinking...look...I got the biggies...you want lung cancer? I got both. Bone cancer...got it....Brain? check...lymph? had it. So what is the meaning of all these? What a waste to have all these cancers and let the guy just roll over!!!

So I have DECIDED that my cancer means:
- I MUST make use of this gift.
- I MUST make sure others benefit.
- I MUST regain my health so that I can say..."...I have done it, so can you..."

Now...I can show that one can have all these cancer and still make a CHOICE and DECIDE how you deal with it.

So what is my CHOICE?
- I choose to be brave, so that you can;
- I choose to enjoy learning to regain my health, so that you can;
- I choose to revel in this as an adventure; so that you will too.

I have decided on the meaning of my cancer. I have chosen how to deal with it. So I am inviting you again, come join Hee Boon on his Amazing New Adventures :)

- Foo Hee Boon www.fhbadventure.blogspot.com

Thank you Hee Boon, ..and yeap, u did it. Your optimism, the entries u wrote so diligently in your blog, your never-ending fight up until the end..all these efforts of yours, i know must have benefited someone out there. Thank you, ..for sharing ur life adventures with us,..=]

Make a meaning, find the reason...and try to focus on the brighter side of everything. Life is too short to be wasted with tears..

"..there's a meaning to life events, to teach us how to laugh more, or not to cry too hard.." - Anon

having fun with the robe!

2006-08-07T22:31:00.000-07:00

hmm...this is wht happen when the graduation robe is already hanging in ur room 5 days before ur graduation day. U just cant stop gazing at it, and every now and then, u keep checking that piece of garment to make sure that no bugs are crawling on it, and no unwanted wrinkles or stains at it. Duuhh...

And ur mind..( i mean, my mind..ehehe ), keep thinking as i look at the dark pink robe neatly hanged next to the mirror.." tudung warna apa nak pakai nih..? =/ "
Ok ok..i know some ppl, esp guys..must be muttering to themselves.." apalah itu yg difikirnya...." Eheheh.., it is important for me, a person who likes to make sure i dress my best,erm..most of the time, i mean. And this is graduation day we are talking about...=D, and i am excited..eheh, err..though speaking of clothes, now i remember tht i havent yet buy the baju to wear underneath the robe..=/. Err..bila nak beli ni naz..? Ok..esok. Back to the tudung discussion.

Spent the whole evening fumbling with the graduation robe, trying to make it sit still on my shoulder. Posing in front of the full-length mirror for hours, checking how it looks on me from all sides. Pretending tht im already on stage, walking proudly and waving to my parents sitting among the audience.( err..i dont think we can do tht, omit tht one ). Practicing my smile and the bow, as i receive the scroll... and who knows, the honourable man presenting the scroll to me would be captivated with my smile and later appointed me as his personal dentist..eheheh,...! =D

ok..its the tudung again. Tried drapping around my head a few different-coloured tudung, with my mom acting as the judge. But no counclusion or decision achieved, after hours of trying.

" mama rasa tudung hitamlah elok. Nampak masuk dan smart skett..tengok gambar mama dan kakak ms graduation.." ( huh..black..? not really among my fav colour..naz, must we consider favourites here..?)
" how about brown ?..ok ok, i know, kalau tak brown, ...tudung perang, light brown..? " ( hmm..takkan everytime pun nak brown...=/)

Kan best kalau diseragamkan semua org pakai tudung hitam, tak payah fikir2 nak pakai tudung apa...save my time and the hassle. Even better, seragam tudung brown. =D

And then i remembered my 'lucky tudung'. Have 2 of it, my fav tudung. The headscarf which i would wear when im feeling good,..because i think i look good in it. =p. The tudung of choice for special occasions..like, ermm.., any special day tht i want to remember =]. But it's quite worn out now..still, it's my lucky tudung, hmm..

Well.., there' still 5 days to go, plenty of time ....
I'll think about it tomorrow.....

which are u?

2006-08-02T23:29:00.000-07:00

Type One The Reformer
The principled, idealistic type. Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.

Type Two The Helper
The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

Type Three The Achiever
The adaptable, success-oriented type. Threes are self-assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, competent, and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for advancement. They are diplomatic and poised, but can also be overly concerned with their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with workaholism and competitiveness. At their Best:: self-accepting, authentic, everything they seem to be—role models who inspire others.

Type Four The Individualist
The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

Type Five The Investigator The perceptive, cerebral type. Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

Type Six The Loyalist
The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.

Type Seven The Enthusiast
The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

Type Eight The Challenger
The powerful, aggressive type. Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self-mastering, they use their strength to improve others' lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.

Type Nine The Peacemaker
The easy-going, self-effacing type. Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.

trivial facts

2006-07-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

I found out a few things about myself. A self-realisation..? Dunno..tht sound too grand....eheheheh.

like alwys, i went out alone today. Spent the first few hours seeing DrX, yeah yeah..it's the allergy again. Alhamdulillah, it's geting better. Looks like i still need him, ops..i mean the pharmacalogical help....=p. Maybe i really should start thinking of finding a fresher air somewhere else, far away from this not-so-healthy environment. And after tht, spend some time in my fav place, Borders. Yeap. Where else. And make friend with the security guard, who every 2 second lingered around the bench i was sitting probably thinking.." when is this girl gonna purchase this book she's hogging for hours..?" Heh. He came to me, asking a few detective quesions. I think someone must have stolen sthg nearby, which i was unaware and oblivious about, quite engrossed with the book im reading. "..noo..i didnt see anything. No. didnt realise tht either..". Hehe..Me, a witness at a crime scene, unfortunately, not much help given.

oohh. ok....back to the point, the few things i learn about myself.

1. I used to avoid reading in moving transport, because it would make me feel quite dizzy. But today, i read in the monorail, and no, i didnt feel any dizziness at all. Hmm. Maybe because it's a novel, not a newspaper, with small letters which i really have to strain my eyes on each. Plus it's quite hard as i keep getting lost . Nevermind. ill just read novel next time. =]

2. And i realised tht i dont mind going out without any make-ups on. Hmm. Usually i'll at least put some moisturiser or foundation and smudge some lipgloss on, but today, i just wear my headscarf and out i go. Ok,ok.. u are right, because i was late, ehehe..and also because of the allergy flaring up on my face.., so make-ups are forbidden. Heh, still i can go all the way to TimesSquare. Bravo naz. = !

2. I used to think too that im not able to read and eat at the same time, it's hard to focus on either. But when u go out alone, and u feel hungry, and need to find an eatery... eating alone and not doing anything makes u look at ppl around, and ppl look at u. Suddenly, the uncomfortable feeling will ..yeah, smtmes. So.. read and eat. Not bad. Not that hard to focus, naz.. And i realise it makes u eat a lot more than u are supposed to,..'cos tetiba je.."aikk,,dh habis..?". The food, i mean..ehehe. And, knowing myself, i would want to avoid reading my kakak's book while i eat, cos..eheh, i dunno when my klutziness will show. Staining her books with coffee or ketchup..hmm, let just say that'll be the end of my borrowing her precious novels. eheheh.

4. i really, really like Aunt Anne's pretzel. Really like. =]

5. i alwys know tht i have a terrible sense of direction. But getting lost in department store, is simply, utterly unacceptable. Like when im out alone, i would pretend tht im looking for someone when the actual truth is im looking for my way out, or any possible recognisable alleys which would bring me out safely. And if im out with a friend, and we got separated in the mall, they would call my hp asking of my whereabouts..and answers like.." ermm.. im not really sure where actually ..ermm, im standing between the pots and pans, and a huge brown carpet , and there's this big sign of bla bla bla..." would come out =/.

6. ooh..and now, i like Kenny Rogers Roasters too. Just mentioning its name, my tummy grumble furiously...yummy! =D

7. and i dont like a marzipan taste =[

8. yeah..i am quite 'kolot' and way too careful about many things. Not that i dont realise this one fact before, but..when sthg happens, it makes me more certain of my 'kekolotan' or my reserved-ness..eheheh. Dunno-lah. It's just how or who i am, i think. Things like, not giving away my phone numbers easily, and alwys finding excuse to avoid meeting up some ppl, which im not comfortable at doing..( im sorry ), or when i sense tht....." uh-oh, this might lead to somewhere u dont want urself to be in..". Im not an anti-social, if tht's what u are thinking, it just,...smtmes, i tend to weigh the pros-and-cons of my action too much, and if the cons are more, i prefer not doing it. Avoid having complications and problems later on. Am i being too careful with life..? Hmm..maybe i should re-think about this one fact, try to be more be open to opportunities and options. To take more risks in life. And think less...naz, worry less...that is.

...okay, enuff blogging for today..bye everyone! =D

riding in the car with ayah

2006-07-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

The best time to talk with ayah is when he's driving in his car with me sitting next the driver's seat. The two of us. Father and daughter.

Like yesterday. I accompanied him driving to Kajang, Labu and Puchong, usually he'll go anywhere with mama, but since mom is not here and im the only 'penganggur' at home, my Sunday was later spent in the car with him. My earlier plan was to snuggle cosily in the seat and sleep, expecting my father to be absorbed with his fav radio station, KLfm or listening to his collection of Quran recitals. But instead..we spent the whole time talking, or more accurately speaking, he talked and i listened..eheh. And it turned out to be one of the poignant moment that i never want to forget, just by listening to his stories within that few hours together. Not that we seldom talk, but having a real father-daughter talk, the kind of conversation that i want to remember forever, his words and wisdom that i hope would guide me when he's no longer here.

My father is a real story-teller, maybe because he likes talking so much, eheh. Of course,...he's a lecturer who has to talk, obviously. My father is the guy who crack jokes in the house, and create uproarious laughter. His fav target to tease, who else, no other than my mom. He teases her endlessly, till smtmes it makes me think.." does he ever got bored or lose ideas ..?" Naah, never....he alwys come up with a new point to 'usik', and the laughter starts all over again.

Yesterday, he shared with me about many things. About life in general. About ppl. The cruel truth about human being, holding the tittle 'friends'. His childhood and adolescent years. About his love life with mama ;]. About missing his late mom ( arwah mok nab). Basically, about all the things i need to know, esp at this stage of my life. As if he could read my mind, he opens up and tells his stories, indirectly teaching me about life and answering the questions in my mind.

Throughout our talk, i noticed the changes of intonations in his voice. Sometimes, he sounds so 'bersemangat', along with his hand's motion. ( which caused me glancing worriedly at the steering wheel..eheh ). At certain time, his voice become deep and serious when he reflected his old memories. And i couldnt help but to sense his sadness at the mention of 'arwah mok nab'. As his eyes fixed to the road, he talked and talked. And i had to bit my lip a few time to prevent the tears stinging my eyes from trickling down, which dont ask me why..im alwys like tht ( maybe becos im a Water..?)..hearing my parent's words has that effect on me smtmes.

And i realised one thing too, how im so much similar to my father than my mom, in term of thinking. But he's the extrovert type , who speaks out things in his mind while im more introvert, who likes to keep it to myself, or write it out in here. I was surprised to hear him say the exact words i had in my head and share the same sentiments about things. Hmm..i am his daughter after all,..eheh..

Im glad that he did not listen to the 'stories'. Im glad he took actions based on his own judgement. And im mostly glad and grateful that he's my 'ayoh', who tried his best to be the best father to me and my siblings.

" kita dah berada di suatu yg tempat yang teduh, yg mana di sini kita bahagia, semua cukup dan ada. Tapi kita nak pergi berlari ke tempat lain, yg dari jauh kita nampak lebih baik dr tempat berteduh kita sekarang..sedangkan kita tak tahu lagi. Kita gadaikan keteduhan yg kita ada untuk ke tempat itu. Nasib tak baik, mungkin kena panah petir tengah jalan dan tempat yg kita tuju tu tak seteduh yg kita harapkan..." - his opinion about polygamy,..lucky mama, ayah never thought of tht option..=]

" kalau sesuatu perkara yg kita nak buat membawa kepada manfaat atau kebaikan, baru kita buat. Tapi kalau perkara itu membawa bersama risiko keburukan yg dh nyata, tapi kita saja-saja nak cuba, nak rasa..baik jgn buat.." - thanks ayoh, i learn from this.....

"..ibu bapa akan memberi pandangan dan penyelesaian yang terbaik untuk anaknya, hanya yang terbaik,.." -hmm..exactly...

"..dalam perhubungan kita dgn pasangan kita, mesti amalkan berterus-terang. Ayah jenis yang bercerita semua pada mama, berterus-terang dari zaman bercinta sampai sekarang...takde sorok apa-apa.. dan begitu jugak ayah ckp pd mama, apa2 hal mesti berterus-terang.." - insyaAllah, ..=]

Dan ayah sebutkan sepotong kata pesanan Allah dlm Al-Quran, Surah Al-Hujuurat, ayat 6 yang bermaksud :" Hai orang-orang yang beriman, jika datang kepadamu orang fasik membawa suatu berita, maka periksalah dengan teliti, agar kamu tidak menimpakan suatu musibah kepada suatu kaum tanpa mengetahui keadaannya yang menyebabkan kamu menyesal atas perbuatanmu itu.."

My ayah might not be the perfect man, or the perfect father. He has his strength, and like all other humans, he has his own weaknesses. But he's my father, who i know would give his world to us, who alwys put our needs and happines before himself. Who, beneath his serious look, lights up our house with his jokes and teasing. Who would let me sleep through the morning instead of waking me up to fix his breakfast. He would let the curtains down, to prevent the streaking sun from disturbing my sleep.

" ...ayah besarkan anak-anak ayah bagai menatang minyak yang penuh..jadi bila sampai masa nak melepaskan anak ke tangan orang.. bukanlah mudah. Dalam kepala risau dan fikir "bolehkah orang ini menyayangi, menjaga dan melindungi mereka ?"..."

Ayah..thank you very much. For everything.

lesson in life

2006-07-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

hmm...

i alwys try my best to see the good in every ppl. When someone did sthg that hurt me, i would think, " this person didnt intend to do this, i must be over-ly sensitive here.." And it will end there, no hard feelings whatsoever. When someone point out finger at a person, saying all sorts of accusation and negative remarks about him/her..i would not believe or accept the words based solely on what i hear. Until the evidence are laid in front of my eyes, or that person claimed by others as nasty, do sthg to me, that makes me can't find any other way to see him/her as nice or harmless anymore.

And i've learnt, that some ppl are just plain nasty. When they want things to go their way, they'll do anything they could. Either they show their bitchiness or nastiness openly, or they mask their real intention with kindness. And the latter is the tricky one ,'cos u just dunno what's their hidden agenda and that makes them sort of dangerous, especially for some trusting, blurr and clueless ppl. If only they would just show their true colours, instead of putting a sweet face but at the same time killing u softly inside, attacking ur most vulnerable part and draw clouds in ur mind, as they played their game, watching u fall into their trap. There is only one word i can use to describe this type of people, they are 'cunning manipulator'.

No matter how u try to be positive, hope that u could kill the negative thoughts, sadly.. their nastiness just keep repeating itself in front of u, and u just have to give up trying.

One advice, avoid this type of people. They suck the energy out of u, leaving u feeling rotten and terrible. One thing for sure, they are not to be trusted. And what worrying is, the words they said, the psychological attack they implied on u..cause a permanent damage to ur once 'neutral' mind. If u let it be.

"... learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.."

honesty

2006-07-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

" kita tak boleh nak terlalu baik, kerana kita akan dijadikan mangsa orang lain.."
" tak boleh lurus sangat dlm hidup nih, kak ..nanti orang pijak.."

Among a few of my father’s words to me, quite an unlikely advice from a father ..hehe, but considering he knows his daughter best ...

Lurus. Or terlalu jujur. Aren’t honesty is regarded as ‘mulia’ and were taught to us since primary school. To be honest..

I never really see myself as an ‘honest’ or jujur person. I only try to be the best human that I can. I always said to myself, “ treat ppl the way u want them to treat you ”. But..sadly, the world is not ‘kind’ enough for us to adopt that 'naive' thinking all the time. Even when the inside of you want to smile, at certain places and to some ppl, u just have to put a serious, no-nonsense expression to prevent you from being toyed around their finger. Sthg which im still learning a lot myself.

If only people are more honest to one another, no lies or back-stabbing, no twisted statements or breaching trust, no self-centeredness or manipulations of others for personal gain..hmm, if every homo sapiens in this world are that saint, maybe we can even invite strangers home for a chat. And businesses can be run without putting elements of ‘white lies’ to make it work. Heh…dream on, naz..the world of kindness, is that too much to ask..? Recalling what my father said when I grumbled to him years ago "...kenapalah nak diadakan org jahat dlm dunia nih..?” His brief response to my query was "..kalau tak, takdelah pulak syurga neraka…”. Hmm..make sense.

I really want to teach my kids ( insyaAllah, one day..) to smile and politely greet people they meet along the way. I want them to know that it’s okay to accept stranger’s kind gesture and repay the generousity, so that they would grow up as a person with kind thoughts to others, to alwys ‘berbaik sangka’. I want them to be a good human being, be humble and nice to other people and spread kindness around them. But....considering the state of our world nowadays which is no longer safe..let just hope that we wouldn’t have to lock up our kids in the house in order to protect them from the dangers of cold-blooded humans!

May our future promise us better days of peace and harmony..amiin.

" Honesty is the best policy, but there's no harm to dodge around a little "..( oh really..? hmm...i dunno, quite disagree with this )

haihh...=/

2006-07-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

woke up this morning with a troubling light-headedness, feels like the world is moving and had to close my eyes to reduce the nauseated feeling. What a way to start the day...hmm..

Not a bit of energy, more else enthusiasm, hmm..( nothing to be enthusiastic about anyway..). With the allergy manifesting itself early morning, and the bugging dizziness,..dragging my feet around the house seems like an acceptable thing to do. And now here i am, staring at the comp, racking my brain to complete my mom's 15 pages essay..(and btw, who in the world is 'rajin' enuff to read an essay tht long..? )

and i dont know what's wrong with me now but im turning into a forgetful, absent-minded woman..who is so unlike me. ( oohh..here's the drama queen, im exaggerating, ok ..it's not tht bad..=p ). But seriously..i used to know exactly where all my things are, from the smallest of thing like eraser or paperclips. Seldom have problem with losing or misplacing things as im quite particular with my stuffs. But i dunno, in less than a month, ive lost two things, okay..accurately speaking, i dont know where i put them. Been poking my head around the house, looking for it but to no avail, and im geting really frustrated. I cant even retrieve the last time i hold the CD or the EPO ( it's evening primrose oil..). Usually if i lose things, i would sit quietly and try to recall the last time i see it, and would follow the track that would lead me to it. Been trying the method, but ..no sign of success yet. Haihh..something must be occupying my mind totally..( or..is it someone..?hmm )

orait2..time to start working on the essay. What's 'minda kelas pertama' anyway..when u dont really understand the topic, how to write..?

Two weddings to attend,..another gift-hunting session, ..hmm..i like shopping, or going out window-shopping. But to buy a gift, it takes forever for me..!

orait..the essay naz..!

waiting

2006-07-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

Waiting.

A common saying ‘waiting is torturing' (penantian satu penyiksaan). Yeah..it is in certain situation, like when u are running late to go somewhere, but have to wait through gritted teeth for a veeerrrrry slow friend. And at the end, u are both late. In this case, the torture inside is to control the urge from shouting in anger to that ‘snail’ friend of urs but u can’t u do that. The fight to remain calm when u feel like ‘strangling’ tht person who makes u late for sthg important, with no acceptable or valid reason other than “..alaa..belum gosok baju…lah..”

And it kills too, when u have expected something to come, or to happen. How to explain this..hmm..like when u know someone is coming, and u had prepared everything. As u wait, u keep glancing at the clock and said to urself “ okay, another hour to go.” . And if that person is late, u would say..” okay, another 2 second, maybe it’s traffic jam..”. But that person never turned up. It tortures you..because u have expect that person to come, and was mentally hoping for it.

Waiting is sthg im used to since kid. When I was 6, I would wait for my big sister to come back from school. ( as I quit my tadika and have to stay at home, =/ ). Everyday. And would drool enviously listening to her stories about her days at school, her friends, ..and couldn’t wait to start going to school myself. (hehe..kakak..now I realise, I begin ‘following’ u since then.=p)

And when I was at CBN, again, I would wait patiently for my dad to come pick us up. ( when we had to stay back for the curricular activity, or when we missed our school bus due to one person’s ‘skema-ness’ who rigorously clean her classroom in spite of her two sisters disapproving and impatient glare ! =p). As I wait for my dad’s red Ford Laser, to kill the time, I counted the number of cars passing in front of me. I played with the bunch of keychains tangling at my pencil case or played ‘batu seremban’, the favorite game back during tht time. And it was within that period of waiting too, that i developed the habit of observing ppl from far. The thing about me is when I wait, I really wait. Not going anywhere, as I was scared that if i wander around, he would arrive and have trouble to find us.

And up until now, i still do the ‘waiting’. I have to wait for the bus, or the train. I wait for my friends to finish their shopping (err..actually it’s alwys the other way round..ehehe). Waiting for a call. Waiting for the right time to say or do sthg. Waiting is practically something we do all our life. And it's not that tormenting, provided we dont fret or grumble during the waiting period, and use the time to do sthg useful. (yeah2..easier said than done..i know.)

How to make waiting not too torturing..?
- think positive thoughts while u wait. Kill negative images or words which haunts by repeating to urself that.."everything's going to turn out allright..". Reassure urself when worriness surrounds you. Invite in only positive and kind words..trust me, it helps ..

-Instead of frowning and grumbling away, cursing the person or thing that makes u wait, share ur smile with the ppl around or who's waiting along with u at the bus stop. It brightens ur face, helps to cheer other ppl's mundane mood and u get pahala as well..=].. A smile from ur heart..!

-Keep urself busy ( though i know, it's really hard to concentrate on anything, esp when u are waiting for a call ). Clean ur room, read a book ( make sure it's a really interesting book! ), basically do whatever u could to avoid staring at the clock.

- if u are waiting for someone at public places, try 'people-watching'. No dodgily-staring at people, please..just subtly look, and let ur mind work, making a story about that person's life. Who is he..? What kind of work he's doing, judging from what ur eyes see, ..it can be quite interesting..and it helps to kill the time..

There are other ways, to make waiting not such a bad thing. Just, dont lose hope while u are waiting. The train will arrive, the person will come..it's just the matter of time. And if the person whom u are anticipatingly waited for fail to make an appearance, or late..tell urself that he/she doesnt intend to do so. There has to be a reason to why it happens. Rationalise the situation,,and u'll feel better.

" kalau kita menunggu dengan sabar, perkara baik akan menyusul..."

dreaming dentist

2006-07-06T18:07:00.000-07:00

Do I really wanna be a dentist..? .

To tell u the truth,up until now, im still not sure. Many things in my life, came to me unplanned, and I just face it head on. And the way I see it, this is the fate or path that God has lead me into, so I accept it gratefully and chant in my head “ this is what God wants for me, ill do my best..”

Not tht i hate dentistry, it is undoubtedly, very, very interesting. And I really enjoy treating patients, explaining to them, to the extent I draw on papers, to make them understand what’s going on in their cavitated teeth which causing them pain. I like making restorations on their teeth, esp front teeth, meticulously trying to patch the teeth back to its morphological form. I like the satisfaction, making their teeth look beautiful again, so they can flash their pretty pearls without shame. I like looking at their expression when I hand the face mirror for them to look at their new restored teeth, and they would nod happily "..ok..ok..” , forgetting their grumble and tiredness having to sit for long hours on the dental chair. I like all that.

It just..why oh why, am I so passion-less to read dental books, if I really like it, I should have read them like im wolfing down almond chocolate. I would have jump at every chance to bury my head in books. But nu-uh...i don’t. Looking at my not-so-interested expression in the mirror..cant help but wonder..do I really like dentistry..? ( naz, please stop questioning everything ..)

If im not a dentist one day..,..hmmm…

- I want to be a homemaker, a housewife in another word. Look after my family, without the worry of getting on-calls, or having the daily routine of getting caught in traffic jam, or dealing with silly 'birokrasi' at workplace. Dress pretty and greet my hubby at the door everyday, be a doting wife and mother. Ohh..plus I don’t have to worry about my children well-being, as ill be the one taking full responsibility of their upbringing. Be there all the time, won't miss a single thing. That’ll be like a life in heaven..=].

- or..ill be a kindergarten teacher. My own kindergarten. The one I paint, I decorate, I plan the schedule and syllabus, my kindergarten. What would be the name..hmm..? Now that’s the hard part…eheheh. But frankly, the dream is alwys in me, it just if I can kick my dreaming being and put myself into a ‘get into action’ mode, maybe the dream wont only be a dream one day. What would be the name again ehh..? hmm..

- Or ill be a writer. Though seems quite unlikely now, but I might, who knows. Face the computer 24/7, knocking on the keyboard till my hands sore and my head hurts. And once in while, when I experience ‘writer’s block’, ill go and spend some times somewhere to seek ideas and solace..( aren’t that what writers do.?.ehehe ).Me. A writer. Hmm..

- or a businesswoman. Haa..this is sthg I never think of. Hehe..no, I don’t have any business skills or experience, except helping my roommate to sell kerepek during my 3rd year. Thinking it back, i really enjoyed the whole process of getting the kerepek out in the morning, and taking it back in the evening, and counting the money at night. And almost every time too, I would have this confused look on my face as I stare at the calculator, trying to figure out some ‘complicated’ maths problem. “ kalau bnyk ni dijual, bnyk ni baki..ermm,berapa sepatutnya ni..?”. Ok2, not a business acumen, I know, but it’s a wonderful experience. And good money-making as well. Allright, just imagine ok, if I were to open a business, what type of business would it be..? Hmm..i think I want to sell paintings, artworks, …heheh..( might as well open a museum =/ ). Or flowers, ..being surrounded by flowers all my life, I'd like that =]. And let’s name my shop ‘Culture by Naz’..? ( =p, not so original ehh.. *wink* )

- or ..ill make chocolate! Yess.. ill be a chocolate maker..( suddenly imagining myself like Julliete Binoche acting along side Johnny Depp in ‘chocolat’..eheheh ). But,..naz , don’t u feel like u are betraying what u study, which in case u forget..dentistry ? Dental and chocolate sure don’t rhyme well. Nevermind, ill make sugar-free chocolate, though then it wont be as tasty and yummy like the Cadbury chocolate. Make chocolate ehh..,..knowing myself, ill rot my teeth in no time!

Enuff of day-dreaming naz.. back to reality life and reality spells ‘dentistry’. Heheheh..but suddenly had this picture in my head, my own chocolate empire.., i sure wont have problem to find where my future kids fav hiding place, right under the bundles of chocolate..all messy-looking with chocolate smears on their face..! Or...me, standing proudly in my own art gallery, with a thoughtful expression on my face, staring intently at the paintings..pretending to examine the blend of colours and looking knowledgeble about art. Or..me, in front of my flower shop..every morning greeted with the heavenly scent of flowers..and i would be called ' the flower lady' ..and i would always have this happy smile plastered on my face,and also must be very vibrant looking too..( why..of course, surrounded by beautiful flowers, who wouldnt ..)..and i dont have to face the same trouble everytime i need to find a gift to friend's birthdays or wedding..ill just give them my own creative bouquet of flowers!..Or..

Err...Naz, wake up... it's time to step back into reality..

dont be a player ! = [

2006-07-04T17:47:00.000-07:00

i just can't understand it..

" perempuan yg mudah perasan, atau lelaki yg main-mainkan perasaan..?"

okay, naz ..no generalisation please. Equally, both gender stand a fair chance of falling into someone easily, or jatuh 'perasan', whatever term to call it. Depends on how 'strong' we are in handling ourself. Though..yeah..being a woman, it's not that hard to 'melt' our rock-hard heart. Provided the right arrow is used. And maybe, shot by the right knight too..eheh.

Well, that's not point im getting to here. Have a tendency to stray away when i write..ehhe..

The same goes about being a 'playboy/girl'. I used to think that only guys are the one who enjoy playing and toying with a woman's heart. Naah..not anymore. Dunno what happened to woman's once very valued loyalty to their man. Some women are just as bad as some guys, .." player..player ". OR is it their fickleness, unable to set mind on one person, inability to make a decision..?

If u cant make up ur mind, dont give hope. If u are still not sure, dont play with ppl's feelings. The cruellest thing a guy can do to a girl is to make her soar high with hopes but doesnt intend to catch her when she falls, and vice versa. I alwys said this to myself, and to friends around me.." when it's friendship, be a friend...". Dont get urself confused by the vague definition between 'friend' and 'more thn friend', esp when they're ur good friends. There should be no problem if both parties know exactly where they stand. Set the record straight, have some boundaries..dont get urself entangled with love confusion or 'love triangle-rectangular' mess..it makes the process of getting to know each other less..fun, i think...

And one thing im very curious about, what do they feel, when they look in the eyes of one person, yet at the same time planning to say the same sentence to their tomorrow's date..? How can they feel happy lavishing their love ( or is it really love, God knows..) and romantic affection to so many ppl..? Dont they feel guilty..? Or is it im the one who's so serious about this matter,..when for some ppl.." it's all for the fun, when we still can choose ..". Ohh..really, so that's how some ppl see it ehh..

I dunno, different ppl, different way of thinking i guess. It just..call me 'kolot', ''old lady' or conservative or whatever..but i believe there should be a line between that two. When it's 'just friends', treat it like just friends. When u are still uncertain about what ur heart wants..dont go around flirting, make friends and be friends with many ppl, and get to know them on a friendship basis. Until finally u found someone who u think is 'the one', then u concentrate on him/her. Save the 'flirting moment' only for that person..dunno-lah., because i think some things, some words, ..should only be reserved for tht special someone.

Haihh..i think ive talked about this before, hmm..am i boring u ppl..? It's just..there's this thing on my mind, and i cant help but to think about it. To guys..dont make a woman 'perasan' if all u want is friendship. But maybe too, he doesnt realise that he's sending false signals, hmm...And to us woman, try not to entertain our feelings too much smtmes,..sure, plan ahead, but avoid dreaming too high, unless things are already pretty much clearer...okeh..?

Why am i talking about this, suddenly turning into a relationship expert once again?...Because of a friend, wonder how she's doing right now..? I really want to blame the guy, but i couldnt. Is it my girl friend who's been 'perasan' with his normal friendship gesture, or it's the guy who was the 'player' all along..? I stared at his back as he walk next to his another girlfriend ( i think !), which he declared as the 'serious' one..and wonder to myself.." are all guys like him..?". Thinking about my friend's excitement telling me about him, i really feel like i want to punch his face. A real hard punch.

after exam...

2006-06-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

Alhamdulillah, finally..thanks for the prayers. ..=].

( list yg dh dibuat lama dulu..skrg baru boleh post =] )

Things I wanna do after exam : ( this going to be a veryy loooong list )

1. Bayar nazar. Syukur pada Tuhan..=]

2. go and see my orthodontist. Been checking my teeth in the mirror every two seconds, as I feel it’s getting weirder. Like the occlusion has deviated a bit from its way of biting, and make me feel quite worried. Very worried actually. Okay2..i know, a bit of paranoia here, but that’s the problem when we learn about it, we know when it’s not normal. Need to put a stop to this worry and get it checked, padan la dgn muka sendiri, for being incompliant in wearing retainer and caused my orthodontically -aligned teeth to relapse..=/

3. read novels. All the novels in the world..ehhehe. Stay at Borders for hours and make it my second home.

4. master cooking and driving skills. This time, seriously naz, no more playing around like before. Err...not a really good cook yet, still learning a lot..=p. But it’s the driving part where I really need to muster all the strengths and courage in me,..sheesh, just wipe the fear off ur face and drive…ok?! Will force Abe to be my driving instructor..heheh.

5. Keluar dgn kakak. IF she refused, paksa!!! Ehhehe..no-lah..i can go out alone. Been doing tht all my life. Better exercise my feet as preparation for my outings session..as I like to walk when I go out! =D ( or ..is the main reason is because u can’t drive naz..? cehhh)

6. spend all my time with family. This is supposed to be on top of the list. Be the maid, let mama rest. Spend time berbual2 dgn ayah. When the first priority is to be their daughter, i will try my best to use it fully. Who knows where ill be send working after this, ..or where my destiny will lead me. If KL, alhamdulillah. If somewhere else, im ok with that too…=]

7. go and visit my old schools, CBN and SMAPL. Been wanting to do this for a long time, but haven’t had the time. Jumpa cikgu2, borak2...and thank them, as without their help and blessing, I might not be where or who I am today. HEheh..can’t wait to meet them, and one very expected question that will surely pop out from their mouth would be “ awak ni, bilanya lagi nak kawen..?”. =] My sis, Bie told me that Ustzh Epuziah been digging juicy infos from her..ehheh., cikgu2...

8. chat in ym every night...=]. InsyaAllah..will be available most of the time.

9. find out about locums...? Need the experience. Plus it's time to build my future..takkan nak depend on parents money lagi..

10. Buy the ‘Choc Moist’ cake ingredients and bake one! ....been craving for it, and dreaming of baking one....yummy!!! Really hope it’ll turn out a moist choc cake, and not the ‘bersepai2-hancur’ type of cake…=/

11. Make Abe life miserable by joining him when he stays up for football match =p. Wanna learn a few things about football. Especially since it’s the World Cup season. Not to the extend of becoming an expert ( cos it will never happen, tht’s for sure! =p) but..nak tahulah sket2…heheh..

12. It’s self-pampering time, naz, time to indulge urself with beauty regimes. Been neglecting myself, time to recharge inside out, And kakak..heheh, im all urs, if u wanna practise ur massaging tech or facial, im 100% willing…=]..and also the yoga-belly-dancing too. Ok2..i wont 'curi-tulang'..

13. And.., naz, FINISH UP imah’s sarung bantal, which has lasted for about a year I think. So much for my surprise gift which has turned out to be a gift-in-waiting due to my bad habit of procrastinating. Sorriie-lah imah…this time, ill get it done! And when u come back next year, ull be sleeping on it..( err..dont u think u are being waay too ambitious here? Remember last year…?). ehhe. Hopefully not another false hope.

14. Go to PTC and watch the Japanese movies ive been wanting to watch. It’s free anyway….

15. help my parents at Puchong. And btw..bilanya nak pindah nih..?

16. read the old newspapers. Before mama buat operasi and throw them all out. Make paper cuttings if I found anything interesting and worth keeping ( dulu nak buat papercutting psl tsunami, ade lagi ke paper thn 2004 dulu…=/)

17. clean the house. From top to bottom.

18. buy new sandals, practical one, naz..not the stilleto-type or high-heels that would cause u footache or landing facedown on the stairs. Practical and comfortable sandal.

19.watch discovery channel, .ehhe, ths is the new resolution. Hope to be more knowledgable about many issues under the sun..and besides, ayah dok membebel "...tengoklah jugak discovery channel nih,asyik tgk drama je! ”..

20. Again, make Abe life miserable by asking him to accompany me every Saturday for the mouth-watering ‘cendol+pulut’ at Pasar Malam. Let just hope he forgot about his idea to reminisce our good kanak2 days’ and drive to Tmn Perdana after that for some monkey-watching activity…cehh.tak molah!!

21.write in my blog!!!=D

But first...settle the unsettled business dulu!

thinking of someone

2006-06-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

Seriously thinking of someone.=/. What to do ehh, to lessen this ‘constant thinking’, or at least make it bearable…

- call that person..?
not really possible at the time being. And besides.. ‘malu-lah’..eheh.

- write an email..?
done that before. Not a really good solution to cure the ‘thinking’ ..and I alwys end up babbling nonsense.

-send sms…?
Sama je cam tulis email. And I have this problem with sms, I write looong texts..i might as well just write letters!

-go and talk with some friends..?
hmm..might be a good idea,,

-watch some tv..?
naah..

-how about indulging in ur favourite pastime activity..? eat ?
...excuse me, it’s not really my ‘fav pastime activity’ anymore. But yeah..eating ehh. Let’s look what we have in my room, stale crackers and dry apple ?…hmm...=/

- write ur blog ? ur forever fav hobby..?
what do u think im doing now, may I ask..?

-go clean ur room and start packing ur stuffs? btw..bila nak siap packing nih?!
ehehehe..in progress. the 'Monica' side in me is planning and organising on how to box my things properly in stages, starting from books, and moving to clothes. The problem is, the 'nostalgic' me cause the packing time to be longer,eheh...with " ..i cant believe i still keep this 'ancient' things.oh my.. it brings old memories..=/ ". And i have this habit of keeping everything,.." ehh sayang nak buang nih, boleh guna lagi..bla bla.." So..let just hope im done with packing by Friday..yeah2.....

- read novels, or old newspapers..or any magz..?
hmm..going to, after ‘letting it out’ in here..

-How about making this ‘thinking of someone’ sthg beneficial..? Everytime u think of that person, send a prayer to his/her way. A silent prayer in ur heart, wishing that person happiness and good health,......
The best answer..insyaAllah..ill do that…=]

a beautiful day

2006-06-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

Pagi tadi, atas bas terpandang ke langit. Wahh..sangat cantik, subhanallah ! Awan putih kelihatan berbaris-baris, membentuk satu rantaian ombak yang memenuhi seluruh langit. Punyalah excited melihatkan ciptaan Tuhan, terus pusing cakap kat org sebelah.." cantikkan langit ?". Confused je muka dia..eheheh.

Alhamdulillah. Teruslah cantik ye langit..selamat perjalanan kapal terbang sampai ke destinasi. Orang kat atas flight tengah buat apa agaknye...hmm..

baru habis exam oral. Haih..kenapa selalu jawab tak lancar ehh, daya keyakinan diri yg kurg ke apa. Yg tensennya asal exam jadi mcm tu, masa tgh berbual bende mengarut punyalah laju mcm tak reti berhenti..=p. Nasib baik Dr Naga sgt baik, sepanjang sesi oral exam paediatric. Alhamdulillah sudah selesai..semoga semuanya lepas dgn baik..amiiinnnn.

okeylah..lots of things to do. Wish me luck..bye!

And thank you Allah..for this beautiful day...=]

kalau dh bukan 'rezeki'...

2006-06-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

Aku sentiasa sudah ada gambaran awal bende yg aku nak dlm kepala. Contohnya, kalau nak beli sandal. Dalam kepala aku, gambaran sandal yang aku inginkan tu dah ada, nak yg jenis mcm ni, rupa begini. Dan aku akan cari sehingga jumpa sandal yg menyamai ciri-ciri yg aku dh bayangkan ni. Dan bila aku kata 'cari' ..aku memang cari. Tu pasal , kalau dah set dalam kepala nak 'shoe-hunting', aku lagi suka keluar sendiri. Sebab tak nak menyusahkan kawan2 yg akan kepenatan melayan' kedegilan' aku ni.. Baik keluar sendiri, cari sampai puas hati.

Dan setiap kedai kasut yang aku masuk, mata akan perhati deretan sandal2 yg ada. Bila ada yg menyerupai gambaran sandal yg aku dh lakar dlm kepala, aku akan belek, try pakai, nilai harga, dan ambil kira keselesaan. Kadang-kadang 'yg cantik di mata, tak selesa di kaki'. Dan pendapat orang pun takkan sama dengan kehendak hati kita. Aku biasanya takkan terus beli. Aku akan masuk kedai2 kasut yg lain, buat comparison pros-cons utk sandal2 yg dh di'short-list'kan. Lepas tu baru akan beli. Dan biasanya..aku akan puas hati dan takkan menyesal. Kerana itu pilihan aku yang telah aku pertimbangkan justifikasi pembeliannya.

Dan kdg2 kerana terlalu berhati-hati dlm membeli, aku tak terus beli sbb nak fikir dulu. Mungkin faktor duit belum cukup, mungkin sebab takut ikut nafsu membeli je. Dan akan dtg pada hari yg lain utk beli. Pernah berlaku, bila aku dah cukup duit, dan dah memang determined nak beli..tengok-tengok dah takde sandal tuh. Memang rasa sangat terkilan, sebab aku dh jumpa sesuatu yang aku suka, tapi tak bertindak segera untuk memilikinya. Akan salahkan diri sendiri, kerana ambil masa lama sangat untuk buat keputusan. Walhal hakikat sebenarnya...sandal itu dah memang tertulis bukan 'rezeki' aku.

Ini baru nak membeli sandal, kalau nak memilih sesuatu yang lebih bernilai dan berharga..apatah lagi.

hmm....Tadi shopping sandal. Sepanjang sesi 'sandal-hunting' berseorangan, bnyk bende boleh difikir. Antara kebaikannya bersendiri, kerana kita akan diam. Bila diam, banyak bende fikir.

Ada org pernah kata.." kalau dah memang bukan rezeki kita, makanan dalam mulut pun lagikan terkeluar.." . Nak dipegang kemas mana pun, nak diikat rantai sekali pun, kalau dah bukan 'rezeki' kita,..tetap bukan rezeki kita.

Cuma..bila kita dah jumpa sesuatu yang buat kita fikir.." yeap..this is it. ". The search has finally come to an end. Yang membuatkan kita rasa tak nak melepaskannya selagi ada kudrat kita. Kerana kita rasa kita dah jumpa apa yg kita cari-cari selama ini.

Kerana perasaan yang melimpah-ruah begini, kadang-kadang kita jadi terlupa, keupayaan kita yang terbatas sebagai manusia. Kita boleh merancang, boleh memasang angan-angan, boleh merangka perjalanan masa depan..sedangkan penentunya adalah DIA, Tuhan yang Maha Mengetahui apa yg terbaik untuk hamba-Nya. Bila sesuatu berlaku yang...errr , ..terasa macam Tuhan nak 'ketuk' sikit kepala hamba yang terlalu asyik menganyam mimpi agar kembali berpijak di bumi. Agar tidak alpa hakikat masa depan yg masih belum pasti. Hmmm...

Percaya apa juga yang akan berlaku esok adalah yang terbaik. Kita boleh usaha, berdoa dan bertawakkal..selebihnya kita serahkan pada Tuhan. Dan sentiasa berbaik-sangka pada-Nya, kerana TUhan menyertai sangkaan hamba-hamba-Nya.

the boy i like

2006-06-22T18:37:00.000-07:00

Some friends asked me this question back during those days. The days when everyone fancy someone. The years when boy’s issues appeared to be an interesting topic to talk about. Those teenage years, when we were at the age of 15-16 years old. The period of time when the boys grow taller and walk in herds, and the girls learn how to look pretty and make face-mirror their inseparable bestfriend ( and still do until now..=p).

“.. Naz, bgtaulah, siapa yg naz suka..? Takkan takde suka sapa2 kott..come on…Is it A..? Or B ? haa..mesti C nihhh..kan?” prodding me along with a curious look on their face. And I would smile mysteriously, enjoying the attention while asking myself “.. who do I like..?”.

I remember listening about the boy they like. Some of them wrote letters and when no one’s watching, stuck it in the boy’s locker. Some would combined names, or birth-dates and scribble it on every single thing they own eg ‘azura’ + ‘jamil’= ‘AzuMil’ or sthg like tht. Sometimes, they count ‘percentages’ (..how to cerita, kira peratus nama tuh..eheh, had a few share of doing this myself..), and then squeal in delight when the percentages are high, as if that indicates ‘compatibility’. Some other prefer to keep it to themselves, enjoy being a ‘secret admirer’, but we know they like someone judging from the ‘mysterious’ nicknames and ‘words combination’ found in their notebooks. And some of the girls choose to discuss the boy openly in their group of friends..and I would listen, and think “.. aren’t they afraid telling ppl about this…considering that the words might spill to the boy’s side, and to that ‘particular’ boy’s ears.?”.

During that time, I had no story to share, no particular boy to talk about or ‘squeal’ at. Basically, I was only a listener, or observer. Not that I want to be like someone im not, it just that smtmes I wondered how is it, to have a certain liking to a boy and declare it to public. Looking at these ppl around me, each having a ‘crush’ on someone, I did ask myself “..aren’t there someone I suppose to like too..?.”. I did have a few ‘crushes’ ( .. I was a normal growing girl ok..;]..)..but I never entertain the feelings, as I believed it is only transitory and not worth thinking about. And besides….eheh, I was a ‘skema’ student..huhu..=p

so..at the peak of my blossoming teen life, I decided to have ‘someone to like’. To divert a little of my attention from books, and to ‘join the crowd’. To feel how it is. I picked someone from my class. He is a quiet boy, alwys seemed to be in his own world, and I believe studying is his passion..eheh. I begin stealing glances at him, looking at his serious expression as he fixed his eyes in books. I never tell a soul, as I was scared that I might be teased around when ppl know about it. But the strongest reason of me keeping it to myself, is because I wasn’t really sure what I was feeling, is it ‘like’ or sthg else, I dunno...=/. Because of that uncertainty, I didn’t want the boy to know, didnt wish to make him ‘perasan’ ( as he is a good boy, I want him to stay that way ) and then I would have trouble to explain it later. What i knew was, I want to like someone...that’s all =]. Eheheh..silly, silly..me…but amidst my silliness, the ‘seriousness’ remains..aiyoo, naz..it’s only zaman kanak2 ribena maa…dont have to be so serious, but can’t help it, it’s who I was, and still am.

I don’t remember how long I like the boy. Recalling the times when I smile amusedly looking at him eating ice cream, and after that he eats a bag of ‘keropok’ and the munching continues..and there I was thinking, “ issh…makan sorg je..”. He usually would ‘accompany’ me studying in the class, him at the boy side, and me at the ‘puteri side’. And when I was in my ‘lazy mood’, looking at him so seriously studying would make me sit up straighter and said to myself “..study..naz, study. Dia study maut tuh ..”. Thinking it back, im not sure if we ever utter a single word to one another…hmm.

I think the 'fancying him' stopped when one of my friend started to ‘announce’ that she too, like that boy. Since no one knows about my ‘little secret’, it was not a problem for me, and silently too, the feeling just died. One thing I learn from it, heart can be very mouldable. Even if u don’t like someone at first, but if u keep ‘thinking-telling’ urself that u do, or u let ppl around ‘cucuk-cucuk’ by pairing u with that person, suddenly u go all fluttery and blush at the sight of him, or at the mention of his name. Eventually..it will trigger ur heart in a way u didn’t expect. So..dont ‘cucuk-cucuk’ if u are not ready to face the consequence of really falling for that person.

So there..a little story of a boy I once like. Hmm.....if he had offered me a piece of that ‘keropok’..maybe, i might want to fight for his attention.. =p..just kidding ! ( yeah..like the boy would bother responding to it..,;] )

love story

2006-06-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

Heh..no, this is not like what u think this is. Not the same kind of love ponderings or heart talks which ive done many times in here. And I really hope I didn’t 'pollute' anyone’s mind..ehehe. With my rambling entries.

Today I want to share a story ive read in TheStar newspaper ( found when i was rummaging the stacks of old newspapers under my desk..eheh,). It’s actually sent by a reader, who like me I believe, wish to share with public something we think as ‘worth a read’. It’s a beautiful, simple story, a proof that there is still pure and true love around us. And i hope too, that this story would inspire us all. In anyway it could.

It’s just an old fashioned love story ( by Dr Chris Anthony from Seberang Prai, Penang – thank u for sharing this story! )

On a recent trip back to my hometown, I happened to meet an elderly gentleman whom we fondly call Uncle George. I knew him when i was a schoolboy but had not seen him many years since.

His greatest trait was his perpetual cheerfulness. As a matter of fact, we never saw him angry or sad. Because of this, he was well liked by all, especially children.

He now lives with his wife, Grace, and spends all his time taking care of her, because an accident left her sickly and disabled. He cycles several kilometers a day to get food for himself and his wife.

I greeted him and invited him to join my wife and I for breakfast. His meal cost me just RM2.20.

As we ate, we chatted about old times, which brought pleasant memories. He told us about his family and wife. We listened patiently as he related how he cared for her and the problems he encountered. We wished him well and left.

A week later I was surprised to receive a letter from him praising my wife and I, a praise that we don’t really deserve.

The following paragraphs from his letter really touched us:
“ Aunty Grace is not so good in health, she sleeps all the time. I am so frightened she will go off in sleep for good. Hardly do we have any visitors.

This year I am 86 and my wife is 82. If we can live until Dec 28, we will be married for 60 years and we can celebrate our diamond jubilee.

Yes, doctor, true love begins when we grow old; I think I love my wife more now than I first met her.

But soon we will have to part..”

A mere two ringgit, a few encouraging words and the willingness to listen was all that was needed to touch a life in the form of Uncle George. In return, he gave us something which wealth cannot buy – his invaluable experience of true love.

His experience is a reminder to us that love, contrary to what we think, never fades, it only grows with time.

It also reinforces the fact that there are still a lot of good things in life that cannot be obtained with money or power – and that is God’s greatest gift to us.

Sob. Worth my tears too..=/

Now maybe that’s what we call a real love story…..

fight the feeling !

2006-06-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

When I was in school, one of my friends taught me a trick, which i never apply or try in my life so far. A trick on how to ‘neutralise our immense feelings’ to someone or sthg ( usually to a person ). Whatever strong feeling, be it hate, like, revenge, obsession, etc. Whatever that is overwhelming in us, which becoming more ‘dangerous’ or bothersome. Meanings..it gets too intense that makes u go slightly ‘crazy’.( ermm.that’s way too exaggerated..). Example, u are obsessed with someone, or sthg like tht. And it bothers u. Tremendously.

Ok, to make it short....this friend of mine, she liked a guy and always found herself thinking of that person and hoping to catch a glimpse of him everyday. To the extent that she knew at what time that guy would walk around her class so she could see him. The thing is, she didn’t like her state of being ‘addicted’ to wanting to see tht guy, and constantly thinking of him, when she was virtually invisible to him. What she did then was, she recorded her improvements in her attempts to kill the feeling, in other words, she keeps a record of how many times she thinks of him in a day. Example, on Monday 1st june, she thought of him 99 times.( whoaaa.), she jotted it down in her diary and said to herself that tomorrow she’ll think of him less. And it works. Gradually, the number of times spent floating away thinking of that guy reduced, from nearly 100 to 56, to 32 and so on. There were, of course, a few fluctuations in her records, but amazingly, with her effort ... by the end of that month, she managed to totally scrape the guy out from her mind, and the feeling was ‘neutralised’. From intense liking to …merely nonchalance. Hmm.

What I want to share here is not the story of a girl who’s obsessed with a guy. But about determination to fight our feelings. In a more common term people put it, ‘our jihad against nafsu’. We are human sent to this world with ‘akal and nafsu’. We are not angles or prophets who are ‘maksum’. We are only human beings. But..we are the best creation among all. “ Sesungguhnya Aku ( Allah ) ciptakan manusia dengan sebaik-sebaik kejadian..” As ‘khalifah’ of this world.

I don’t want to elaborate long, or else this will bore some ppl as they would see this as another ‘ceramah agama’. But yeahh..admitting our weakness, there are times when we are ‘flooded’ with emotions, which can make us float away dreamily. Smtmes too, it could create lustful thinkings in our minds without us realizing or wanting it. Fight the temptation. Beat the ‘syaitan or iblis or nafsu’ in us. We are better and stronger than them. And our 'silent battle' ..hopefully, will be regarded as one of our 'jihad' to be a better servant to Him..

tuesdays with morrie

2006-06-10T17:35:00.000-07:00

Taken from ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ by Mitch Albom..

“..Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too – even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling…”

“ So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they are chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning to life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating sthg that gives you purpose and meaning .."

“..the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don’t buy it…”

- morrie schwartz

deja vu

2006-06-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

Have it ever occurred to you, a situation like this..it’s a little bit like déjà vu, I think..( btw, not really sure what déjà vu is ..=/ )

I was in my room, when a friend knocked and hand me a McD burger. Gratefully..( mcm tahu2 je tak mkn lagi..), i unwrapped the burger and took a humongous bite. Suddenly I felt like,..like a very familiar feeling, as my taste bud reacted to this particular burger. Weird. Like there is a special memory in me about this taste. And very strong too. And the very first bite of tht burger brought the old memory back…to my old days in CBN..!!

Back in CBN, every year, during the Hari Kanak2 celebration, each student would get a free McD burger. Heheh…still remember the excitement, as there were no class for the whole day ! Yahoo..! =D. And all the teachers were extra kind..(eheh..) and let us do whatever we want. But it’s the burger, that particular burger, that has stayed in my memory store. The beef, ketchup, the cheese, the taste..not a slightest change.(..err,..frankly.. i never really like the burger, and kept hoping that this year's burger is different from lastyear's, but kept getting disappointed when i opened the wrapper and it's still the same burger..=/...minta maaf McD..ehhe, tak bersyukur plak pt burger free..!). Hmm…never realized that I really ’treasured’ the burger memory..eheheh..

The same feeling too will occur in me, when I hear a certain Quran recital. Not all, only that particular voice. A very pleasant sound to ears. It will remind me of the days in my father’s car, on our way to Kelantan.. 'balik kampung’, when I was still in the tender age of 6 - 8 years old. During those days, ayah will be the driver, and I would be sitting next to driver’s seat with my big sister, ( ms tu, boleh dok 2 org, sbb kecil lagi..eheh), and mama had to sit behind to take care of the rest, the crying, squabbling, and vomiting siblings of mine..( eikks..). And my dad would ‘pasang kaset mengaji’ , which would accompany our journey home. Tertidur dgn alunannya, terbangun pun dgr bacaan ayat Tuhan yg sama. Maybe because of that, the consistency of that beautiful Quran verses, become sthg that stick like glue to my memory.

Are all these, what we call as déjà vu ?...

hanya perlu faham

2006-06-02T02:17:00.000-07:00

Hmm..pukul 2.00 pg , terfikir ttg nih.

Bila kita faham kenapa dia bersikap begitu..kita takkan cepat nak menghukum.
Bila kita faham kenapa manusia kadang2 begini, kadang2 begitu,.. kita takkan cepat nak melatah.
Bila kita faham, kita akan tahu cara terbaik untuk menghadapi keadaan dan tidak mengeruhkannya.

Banyak masalah berlaku bila kita tidak faham. Contoh, Maths. Kalau tak faham konsep, memang tak boleh jawab (ask the expert..=/). Tapi, kalau kita faham asasnya, hulurlah soalan mcmana pun, kita boleh jawab dengan mudah.

Sama juga kesnya dalam perhubungan kita sesama manusia. Kadang-kadang tak perlu penjelasan yg panjang berjela. Juga tak perlu nak dipersoalkan kenapa, mengapa..atau bentak2 bila kemahuan tak dipenuhi..apabila kita sudah faham dan mengerti. Kalau tak berapa faham, cuba untuk faham. Belajar untuk faham.

Bila sesekali melihat org yg hampir dgn kita bermuka keruh dan naik suara, cuba fahami situasi sukarnya.
Bila perasaan kejap naik kejap turun, faham bahawa kejadian ‘hati’ ni begitu dan bertindak untuk mengawalnya.
Dan bila berlaku sesuatu di luar kemahuan dan perancangan kita, fahami juga bahawa hakikat dunia ni begitulah.

Kalau lah semua manusia saling faham dan berbaik sangka... mungkin juga dunia akan lebih aman.

p/s :..ehheh, tiba2 bercakap psl nih, sesuatu yg selama ni aku hanya fikir sorg2. Memang bercakap lebih mudah, dan untuk betul2 menjadi org yg memahami bukan sesenang itu..tapi kita boleh berusaha..jd , usaha..!

Q and A session

2006-06-01T03:36:00.000-07:00

( ate too many carbs, at 10 pm..isk. Have to wait a few hours before hitting the sack..). Let's do some Q-A session...

Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise..?
- Neither of them both ! Definitely it’s gonna be Adrien Brody..!=D.(..if only he wears spectacles...)

Angelina Jolie or Julia Robert..?
- Neither of them both too. If I were to choose one famous Hollywood actress, Reese Witherspoon is the one. Smart, cute, funny woman with a good head on her shoulder

Mee bandung or mee Kari..?
- I’ll go for kuay tiaw hailam..=]..sllurrp!

Jungle trekking or fishing..?
- I’ve had my share of jungle trekking when i was in school, really enjoyed the experience. Fishing? Ive tried it once, managed to catch one fish..and later spent hours waiting for another. One fish and a sunburn..hmm. Spending time at the beach would be the ideal, just sitting on the sand, listening to the waves, looking far ahead at the wide sea,...and thinking to myself, where’s the end ..?

Starbucks or Warung Pak Abu...?
- Been to Starbucks once, and had one of the most delicious drink. But.., not the kind of place I’d choose to go all the time. ( as im quite ‘kedekut’ with my money,eheh..to spend over RM10 for a drink..err, I don’t think so..). Warung is allright,if only it put greater emphasis on cleanliness, ( but show me one, clean warung area..?) So, my choice would be any food court that place high, or at least, average standard of cleanliness. ( sigh )

Be a Prime Minister or Queen of a Country..?
- Hahaha..it reminds me of a question i asked my mama once.."mama, kalu kak nak kahwin dgn anak raja, mama bagi ke..?" ( tersengih2 macam kerang busuk..btw, mana dtgnya simpulan bahasa 'sengih mcm kerang busuk' nih,..kerang ada gigi ke..? =/ ). And mama's answer was.." tak payahlah..tak serupa cara hidup kita tuh.."( eheh..mama nih, org main2 je..). But really..trying to picture myself nih..waving gracefully and smiling elegantly..it must be pretty tiring to shake hands with all the ppl lining up..ehh ?. But no-lah, never dream of becoming one...it's not me. I just want to be the 'queen of my own family'..=]

Drawing or singing ..?
- ..when i was a kid, i draw a potrait of my father, proudly hoping to show it off to ppl, but at the end, i decided to pretend it was 'anwar ibrahim's potrait instead of him.( as halfway during my drawing, it eventually look more like anwar than my father...=/.) I can only draw simple stuffs, nothing grand. Singing..? anybody can sing actually, just the matter of 'are u confident enuff to sing ur voice in front of ppl '..that's all. I choose to read..reading is one thing i know im good at and enjoy it trully.

Gone With The Wind or Titanic..?
- i like the beautiful long gowns in GWTW, but i hate thinking that Scarlett wasted her time being stupid as she keeps wanting someone's husband till it makes her 'blind' to Rhett's love. Titanic..hmm, yeah2, tragic love story ( aren't every movie, say, Troy, Tristan&Isolde..? )..but i remember wondering why on earth Jack didn't find himself a floating piece of wood too, which he could climb on. Then, perhaps they could both be saved and live happily ever after..ehehehe. Like what someone said.." dh pengarah dia suruh buat mcm tu..!". But both are, undoubtedly great movies of their time, ..it just if i were to choose a movie, ill vote for 'shawshank redemptions' or 'life is beautiful',,that would be my choice..

'Garden wedding' or 'Grand wedding '..?
-..wedding ehh..? woman's favourite topic, i suppose. Dunno, never really give this a serious thinking ( but yeah..'course, berangan2 a few times..ehehe ). I dunno how others picture their wedding day, or wanting it to be a garden wedding or a huge wedding on a cruising ship etc, for me there's only one image in my mind, which i dont think i want to reveal it in here. Wait till the day comes.., insyaAllah =]..

during weekends, hang out with friends and go partying or join woman's organisation to fight for women's right..?
- err..how about staying at home, pamper myself with any beauty regimes, curl on a sofa with good books, watch tvs all day long, spend hours talking to that one person, and plan to do things together. Weekends are for 'relaxing' and 'de-stressing' activities, which i wish to spend only with loved ones. "home is where the heart is.."

reading dental books or 'blogging'..?
- obviously..fellas, it's not that hard to guess ehh..

Enough of time-wasting...early today will be adik's minor operation. Wish him well yea..thinking of staying awake until dawn, dont want to miss sending him to the door ..eheh. And there's this other thing on my mind as well..why aa, when something is about to slip from ur hand, then only u'll realise how much u want that thing. Hmm..manusia, manusia....

liking the 'not-so-likeable'..

2006-05-29T01:32:00.000-07:00

…bila-lah nak terer prostho nih. Or, accurately, bila-lah nak suka sikit kat prostho nih.. ( minta maaf kalau ade doktor2 prostho yg baca nih,..ehheh ..)

Prosthodontic, among the branches in dentistry, which involves the making of prosthesis/artificial teeth eg dentures, bridges, crowns..and implants ( implant nih, kitorg tak buat, specialist sj..).Kenapa tak suka..? Good question.

Because it involves technicalities, if u don’t have a good grasp of the concept, u cant do it well. In other words, u just can’t memorise it blindly, like oral medicine or paediatric. For me, it’s a bit like maths/physics, .. u have to understand the basics well, in order to make a good denture design etc. Different mouth have different cases, and not everyone entering dental clinic with a Kennedy class III feature, which would be easy because then it would be a straight case from book. But unfortunately, very seldom cases like tht happens, and patient come with all sorts of anatomical variations and altered occlusions eg overerupted and tilted teeth that makes designing a good partial denture is hard. For me, I mean. And I have this big problem, since school, that when I don’t like a subject, I leave it for last, because reading and studying dislikeable subjects always end up with me snoring in the study room. Subjects like physics, and now prosthodontic. Huaaa….bila nak pandai kalau mcm ni..?

A little bit about dentistry. There are about 9 branches in dentistry, which I would explain very briefly...
1.preventive and community dentistry/ dental public health – about oral health issues in communities, focusing about oral health promotion and education.
2.paediatric dentistry/ pedodontic – concerning about children, their dentition, dentofacial growth and anomalies etc.
3.orthodontic – concerning with growth of face, development of dentition, prevention and correction of occlusal anomalies. Braces, is the type of orthodontic treatment.
4.endodontic – the branch in dentistry related with the pulp and periradicular area. Root canal treatment is the example of treatment.
5.restorative/conservative dentistry – restoring damaged tooth structure back to its functional and morphological state. Example doing fillings in teeth with amalgams ( the silver-black filling ), or tooth-coloured fillings like composite resin and glass ionomer cement.
6.periodontic – related with the supporting structures holding the tooth in the bone, that is the periodontal ligaments. Loosening and progressing tooth mobility in older ppl are related with periodontitis, inflammation and infection of the periodontal areas.
7.oral pathology and oral medicine- deals with pathology of mouth, oral lesions and oral manifestations from systemic diseases. Btw..do u know that 75% of AIDS patient have oral manifestations in the mouth…
8.oral surgery and maxillofacial – extractions, treatment of head and neck trauma injuries, involves the surgical treatment of the head and neck diseases and lesions. Example treating a motor-vehicle accidents patients who sustained injures to the face, eg jaw fracture.
9.and last but not least..prosthodontic...

There’s new addition, that is forensic dentistry and aesthetic dentistry ( this is more like conservative/restorative ).

Whatever it is naz, u have chose dentistry, so i must and should try my best to at least ‘pretend’ to like some parts in dentistry that I dont really like. And insyaAllah…step by step, bit by bit..i will be at least better in it than now. It’s a part of sthg I will be doing in life, so I must accept and try to find enjoyment in it. Or else, how am I going to enjoy my work later. I will and must find the ‘joy’ of prosthodontic, and concentrate on it. Who knows ..at the end of the day, I might even like making dentures…=]

The same goes when we have choose someone later, to be our life partner. There will be things about that person which might irk us. And some of our traits might annoy or irritate our spouse. But that’s how it is, right ?. We accept the person as a whole, taking in the good and the bad. If we are the ‘cleaning freak’ and our spouse are the type that doesn’t find messy room a big problem, never mind, don’t make a big fuss of it and turn everyday living into a catfight. Since u enjoy cleaning so much, u do the cleaning and ur partner can do the cooking or washing ;]. That’s what being a ‘partner’ is all about, working together as a team and sharing the workload.

I remember a discussion with my sister about this. Yes, we might never able to find a person who truly fits all the criterions we wish our future spouse would have. The important issue here, is we must be able to tolerate the ‘other side' of that person which we don’t really like. It actually differs between individuals and depends on what we view as important in life. What I mean by this is that, for me personally, I don’t think ill be able to tolerate someone who take ‘religion practice’ like sembahyang or puasa lightly. I can’t see my life next to someone who enjoys partying with friends till late at night, who makes 'goggling at woman' a hobby and put family second after 'personal entertainment'. And i dont want to tolerate LIARS too. If fundamentals things like ‘rukun islam’ are not part of his daily rituals or if his life is far too different from mine, it’ll clash with the way of life I want my children to have. But again, like I said, different ppl, have different views about this, and different aims in life.

Things like character and personalities are sthg we can’t really criticize much, it’s the variety and colours of life. Some ppl are taciturn and quiet, others are more loud and talkative. There are reasons why we are created not in the same mould,..or else life would be dull and bland. As for me, I enjoy observing the varieties of ppl's characters, making a mental note to myself that ‘no two person are alike’. And I believe that’s how it is. We don’t marry our mirror reflection, and we don’t hunt around looking for someone who thinks like us or agrees with all the words we said all the time.

..but as we are on the topic of 'tolerating',.. what if one person needs to sleep in pitch darkness with not a stir of noise, whereas the partner is the type that only can sleep with the lights on plus music blaring as backgound lullaby, ..hmm.. how to tolerate tht ehh..? eheheh..well then , maybe time will make u get used to it,..=]

...err…. how from prosthodontic I get to here…? =/

age factor

2006-05-26T23:33:00.000-07:00

I always forget that i'm 24 now. Need to keep reminding myself..or else i'll just.....forget. =/

Seriously..sometimes, i feel like im still the teen girl, experiencing new things with no worries in mind. Until reality hit me, that im actually no longer a ‘girl’, but im a woman now. Or when my father would repeat his ‘favourite words’ to his adult-daughter who smtmes act like kids around him “..Heh..dah boleh jadi mak orang dah nih..!”. ( Opsie. Lupa lah ). Or is this a sign and symptom of someone who is ‘awet muda’ ?..hehehheh. ( or a sign of someone who doesn’t want to grow up..? =/ ).

And smtmes, the truth would be presented to me when I attend a friend’s kenduri kahwin. Looking at the pair, hand in hand, glowing with happiness walking towards their new future, it’ll struck me “oh my…i'm 24 !!! ”. And the same realisation dawned on me too, when I am gathering with friends, and then someone said “ ehh, tahu tak *** dah dapat baby..”. ( Huh? Bila pregnant ?). And another one would add “..haa, next month,@@@ akan kahwin plak..” ( ehh..?). And among the gossiping singletons, someone would then ask “..Bila kita punya turn pulak..?” ( erk..?). There’ll be a split second silence, exchanging looks among one another, and another person would chip in cheerfully "... alah..nanti kita kahwinlah..!”.( that’s right! =] ). And the cluttering noise of forks and spoons and gossiping starts again..

Not that im not grateful or proud, being a 24 yrs old woman, "..yeay2..im 24 =D !!!" ( wow..it sounds very matured and grown up!..). It just, when I look around me, ppl my age, or younger than me, accomplishing this and that, gaining this much and that much every month, I couldn’t help but feel...'lacking’. As there isn’t yet many things, I mean, big things, like BIG. Whatever that is big…in my hand so far.

Thinking about this, it makes me question myself..what have I achieved, being a 24 yr old ? Personal achievements..., I mean. Haven't start working, so no monthly income, still very much depending on parents. Alwys proud of my independence, but suddenly all seems very fake and fruitless. If I die tomorrow, what marks will I leave behind me ..or is my short existence in this world were as near as meaningless..?

Okay..not really a ‘good life-planner’. When sthg happens, then only I’ll pause to think about my own life. Never had a target age, like when to settle down, or when to start getting my own car ( how about ‘learning’ how to drive again rather than planning about buying a car..?), or when to further my studies..? Hmm..not good, naz, not good at all. And no wonder my parents keep getting worried about me, as their daughter is still very much the same like 10 years ago, apart from the increasing age.

Don’t worry,.. ill get married, ok... And I’ll practise my driving, ( and ill pretend tht im not scared..), and i’ll pass my undergraduates, and I’ll be a great human being...insyaAllah. =] ..

I have another 6 yrs to 30. I don’t hope to see it as stagnant as now. Big changes have to happen, big rewards will come. Hmm. Eye for the future.

Act your age. You are 24.

exodontia

2006-05-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

My confession here might sound a bit ‘brutal’, but it’s the truth. I like extracting teeth..seriously I do. Of course not manically extracting all teeth in a person’s mouth, it just I realise that I really enjoyed my extraction classes throughout my undergraduates.

Extracting teeth = exodontia. A bit of terminology..ehhe.

I dunno how to describe it. Enjoy the feeling when the teeth came out in one piece, what I mean by this is, not leaving the root halfly fractured in the bone. Don’t start gapping with worriness hearing this, it’s quite a common thing when extracting teeth, esp if the bone is dense that extracting that one tooth is enough to burn all energy stored. I never thought myself that pulling out a tooth is that hard. Because my father used to pull out my primary teeth when i was a kid,( I really hate when he did that..eheh ). He used to say sthg like “,… ayah nak tengok je, goyang setakat mana..” and in a split of second, my tooth which was dangling dangerously due to extreme mobility is in his hand. I would be a little bit angry at first, but he was right, there was no pain, not even blood. Because the tooth was already ‘bergoyang tahap dewa’..ehhe. Oh btw..if the root is fractured, we will not leave it behind, we’ll take it out.

Our doctors used to advise us to always exercise the hand, or else it’ll take us the whole day to extract one tooth. Not all teeth is hard to be pulled out. Commonly, the teeth are already mobile due to gum problems, so it’s not that problematic. Using dental forcep, we twist it a little, rotate, move the teeth back and forth a few times, u heard a slight ‘crack’ indicating that the periodontal ligaments are being teared away, and blood will be gushing out. By that time, u know..the tooth is coming out. Smtmes, I have to paused for a while,’ sbb tangan lenguh’, and then continue twisting the teeth. If it’s the front teeth, where there is only one root, it’s more easier compared to molar teeth which have 2-3 roots .

The expression on the patient’s face tickles me smtmes. Heheh..esp the guys. Some would walk in the clinic, all ‘macho’ looking, and when they see the needle, they would go all white. They would say “ err…tak cucuk boleh ke..saya ‘alergik’lah dgn jarum..”.Ehhe..sorry, but we are taught pain-free dentistry, so..hendak tak hendak kena cucuk jugaklah sikit, ye encik, nanti sakit. And to lessen the anxiety and bring back the blood that were drained from their face, we would talk and try to divert their attention away from the needle. But it’s them, these patients, whom im most thankful to. Their trust in us, their willingness to be our patients ( knowing the fact that this person extracting their teeth is not yet a dentist !) and their indirect way of encouraging us, by nodding reassuringly as we struggle to pull their teeth out.

The first tooth I pulled out, was an upper front tooth, which was already slightly mobile. The patient is a middle-age man, who lifted up my spirit that first day by saying “.. awak ni, kalau bukak klinik swasta..laku nih..”( Ohh..i went beaming like ripe tomato..eheheh. ). And as the tooth came out perfectly, the exhilaration, satisfaction and excitement was so overwhelming . Still can recall the feeling, trembling slightly as I wriggled the tooth out, and holding my breath as the blood starting to ooze out ( it was my first time, luckily the patient did not notice my shaking hands !)..and ‘whoosh’..the tooth out! ..ehhehe. Great feeling.

I have this habit of humming as I twist the tooth, the harder the extraction, the more I hum. Smtmes, I just hum away, with no particular melody or songs in mind, trying to lessen the tense and tiredness. It works, for me…and i think it helps to reduce patient's worries and anxiety. Smtmes, the patient would get too absorbed with my humming, that they would ask later ".. awak nyanyi lagu apa tadi? sy mcm pernah dengar lah..”.'( Pulakk ). As we all know, music is one of the non-pharmacological means to reduce stress and anxiety, that’s why some private clinics have a music background played softly during treatment time.

I also like to ask the patients after pulling their teeth out “ cik, nak tengok gigi?". Some would shake their head vehemently, not even glancing at the bloody teeth. Some would want their teeth back, so we'll clean it and put in gauze for them to bring back. It's the satisfaction, i think..thinking that ive succeeded to remove 'the culprit' that's causing problem and pain to a person.

Iskk.. i really miss my extraction class..=/

parenting skill

2006-05-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

I witnessed an interesting scene the other day, and I think it’s important to share it in here with all of you. For future reference.

I was choosing between Guava juice or Blackcurrant juice in UDaOCean supermarket, taking my time as I scrutinized the nutrition facts, which is more delicious, which is more nutritious ( ..tak delah jauh beza pun, both contains VitC ..! ). And like alwys, I end up not buying any, so much for my healthy eating resolution!...

Then came a family of four, parents and their two kids, a daughter around 6-7 years old and her younger brother who was slumped in the trolley ( btw..i wonder how does it feels to be sitting in the supermarket trolley, among the vegetables, eggs and chicken.. ) Suddenly I heard the daughter kind of ‘merengek’ to her mother, wanting to buy one of the mouthwatering juices. And her mother’s respond stopped me mid-breath, stunned as I don’t believe ill be hearing words like that coming from a mother’s mouth.

“ duduk diam2lah..sepak karang!! ”

From the corner of my eyes, I tried to look at this mother-daughter pair. Ringan mulut nak menyebut “ hai cik kak, kalau mcm tu cara bercakap dgn anak, jgn pulak marah esok kalau anak akak bercakap dgn akak mcm tu”. Tapi tak cakaplah, karang tak pasal2 aku pulak yg kena ‘penyepak’ dia.

But seriously, is that how a mother speaks to her children..? Im sorry if I sound too aghast, but I never hear words like that, or anything near that, coming from my mother’s mouth. Aren’t mothers supposed to colour their children with positive and good things..only the beautiful rainbow colours. I can’t imagine, if this child growing up hearing all sorts of ‘ kata2 kasar’, what kind of person she would grow up to be ? I can’t remember what I was thinking at that moment, more like a mixture of feelings. I pity the child, disbelief with the 'cik kak', and grateful for having 'mama’ as my mother.

Why can't she answered it nicely..? If she couldn't buy the juice, explain to the daughter properly, without having to raise her voice or use harsh words. That innocent girl is only a child. Dont blame the kids becoming more and more ill-mannered, if that is how they are treated and the kind of example they learn from their parents. Recalling a Malay adage.." seperti ketam mengajar anaknya berjalan lurus". Susahlah nak train anak jalan lurus, kalau maknya jalan mengiring..

So..everyone, parents or parents to be, all future fathers and mothers..please, dont talk to our children with that kind of words. Bear in mind, that their first experience about life, about this world..are gained from their parents. What they witness during their childhood, the life and surrounding they grow up in.., will directly or indirectly mould and create the kind of adult they’ll grow up to be. The first six years are crucial…the period where children’s learning at its peak, like sponge soaking water. Teach them well, guide them and let them learn only the goodness of this world.

Yeah2..i know, Im not yet a mother myself ( insyaAllah, one day..=] ), dont really know, and never experience the troubles and hardship a mother has to face, but that is not a reason or excuse to treat the kids badly. Try putting ourselves in the kid’s shoes..try to recall those unpleasant memories ( if there’s any..) when we were the kid, being treated badly by parents or carers. Dont keep ‘forwarding’ bad things. Put a stop. Make a difference. Sure we can.

Haih..ni yg buat lagi membara2 nak buka tadika nih..,=[

pandangan belakang

2006-05-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

Memandang belakang seseorang yg berjalan meninggalkan kita. Semakin menjauh. Semakin mengecil. Semakin hilang. Dan pandangan belakang ini menjadi gambaran terakhir kita tentangnya.

Tak tahu yang mana lebih perit. Menjadi orang yang berjalan pergi, atau menjadi orang yang ditinggalkan. Memandangkan aku berada di pihak yang 'ditinggalkan’, hanya memandang belakang orang yang pergi dan perlahan-lahan merasai kehilangannya. Isk.

Musim perpisahan. Waktu di mana sesuatu yang sebelum ini hanya perkara biasa menjadi sesuatu yang sangat bermakna. Kalau dulu tiada perasaan istimewa, tapi sekarang..rasa sayu dan hiba. Betullah kata orang “Kita hanya akan mengetahui nilai sesuatu itu, bila ia sudah tiada ”. Dan bila sampai saat berpisah, segala yang buruk hilang, yang dikenang hanya yang manis dan indah belaka. Yang terbayang di mata, waktu2 ketawa, masa berkumpul dan bercerita, wajah-wajah ceria yang menemani hari-hari semalam. Segala kisah yang tercipta bagai layar skrin yang diulang tayang. Yang menjadikan berpisah jadi lebih payah.

Hakikat kehidupan. Yang hidup pasti mati. Hari ni berjumpa, satu hari akan berpisah. Seberat mana pun menerima, atau betapa seksanya merasa, percayalah…rasa sedih, teringat2, terkenang2 ni, tidak akan lama. Masa akan mengubat, dan kehadiran orang-orang baru akan mengisi ruang, yang bakal mewarnakan hari2 esok kita. Pun begitu, yang mengganti pastinya tak sama dengan yang pergi. Begitulah dunia ni, manusia akan sentiasa datang dan pergi dalam hidup kita.

Namun, tiada salahnya menghayati waktu2 ‘kelabu perpisahan’ ini, dan mengakui akan perasaan yang tidak gembira melihat lambaian ‘selamat tinggal’ mereka. Bersedihlah, menangislah…tapi, jangan lama.

Terus memandang belakang orang yang melambai pergi, ingin merakam ‘kenangan’ terakhir ini sampai bila-bila.

Haihhh…=/

“Apabila kita melihat dengan hati yang tenang, perpisahan sebenarnya adalah satu perkara yang biasa berlaku di mana-mana..”

old patients

2006-05-15T01:44:00.000-07:00

( this was written months ago..)

Today, as I sit waiting for my partner working on her patient’s denture,i chit-chatted with the patient who happens to be an old woman..( pangkat nenek pada aku, melihatkan dia..seriously..teringat kat arwah ‘mok’..). Looking at her from the side as she talked about her children, listening to her criticizing each child of hers as ‘malas belajar’..’tak jadi apa’ etc, I realized one thing..that this old nenek must be very lonely. Lonely enough that she talked to me like water pouring out from burst waterpipe, glad to have someone nodding and smiling to her words and stories.

I used to have an old, Indian patient who would tell me about the troubles in her life. As I work next to her, she would tell it all out, about her son who refuses to give her money, how she has to beg for money from her own children to buy things. How she lack affection and love from the ppl who's supposed to care for her the most. That is very sad. Plus that old Indian lady has got some heart problems too, not to mention her oral condition which is not good. She could go on and on talking about her life, and i would “uhuh..uhuh..” along the way, trying my best to catch her quite incomprehensible Malay language. But having someone who sit next to them and put an emphatic face, maybe that’s all what they need. Some attention.

Old patients alwys make me feel a little bit ‘blue’. Looking at them, so old, so fragile…wonder what they had went through their life. Old patients who would look at me with the look of a parent. They would wait patiently as we work on their dentures, and tried their best to pretend that the dentures are fine ( eventhough we know they’re fighting silently to keep the denture sit still in the mouth..). Old patients, who alwys make my eyes suddenly welled with tears, watching them walking out from clinic. ..

One thing about them, the ‘kata-kata nasihat’. Some are said in a joking way, some are more serious. About life, about ppl. Smtmes, they would lecture us about ‘finding a good husband’..in some cases, they would even tease to make us their ‘cucu menantu’..eheheh. But above all..i enjoyed treating them, the kind, warm..old patients. Their hand as they touch me when they talk ( u know, old ppl, they kind of like to ‘slap’ ur arm playfully ..)..and the encouraging look they gave us that says “ we trust u, u can do it ”. The thing that make me feel “ I wanna treat them the best that i could !”.

There’s a few things I learn as well :

1. Never let our old parents suffer lack of love and attention. No matter who we are or where we will be in the future. We might be living far away from them. It’s not the distance that matters, it’s the thought that counts. Call them often, talk to them..they really miss their children..( oh my god, im crying now…sob.)

2. Smtmes, all we need is a listener. We don’t want advice, we don’t need pep-talk..we just want to be listened.

3. Trust and faith in a person, are maybe the only thing that person needs, as a shove towards success.

4. Loneliness is a terrible thing. Yeah..smtmes, we do wish to be away from the hustle-bustle of life, and seek some place to be alone, that is different. But lonely in the sense that u have no one to talk to, no place to go and seek comfort, no shoulder to cry on..basically that’s what I mean..that’s terrible. Esp to old ppl, who have lost their spouses..( hmm..that must be one of the reason of their loneliness…) and that’s where our role as their children comes in. They have been there for us all our life, maybe then, it’s our turn to be there for them. They probably would say ".. mak okay, tak apa2…” atau “ ayah kuat lagi, takde mslh pun..” but being parents, they would never want to menyusahkan anak2..

4. And this is important I think for us, before it’s our time to be called 'warga emas’. Growing old is mandatory, that’s cycle of life. But let’s grow old gracefully and successfully, meanings that we don’t become a burden to the society, or our own family. Let us be a quality senior citizen, who still have a good life and enjoying each day tht comes. Have a hobby, any hobby. Be it gardening, reading or working on some project like ..buka kelas mengaji Quran ke, tadika ke things like tht..to fill our time. And maybe too we can go visit places around the world. After working hard all ur life..it’s the time to rest and enjoy the fruits of ur hardwork. Go for ur 2nd, 3rd or 4th honeymoon with ur spouse..( err..guys, i mean the one and only wife u ever got married to...ehheh.. ). Just the two of u. Spend time together, remisnicse all the good,old time. And the most important thing of all, it’s the time to be closer to God, in our final steps before we are called back to Him.

...insyaAllah..kalau diberi umur panjang, …

tentang dia

2006-05-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

mendongak ke langit
jauh di hati terdetik
mungkinkah di hujung dunia sana
dia sedang memandang ke langit yang sama...?

apabila jiwa bergetar rasa
setiap ruang waktu bergema nama
dalam diam kadang tertanya
tentang aku, terfikirkah dia...

bila melihat rencah seloka dunia
kala terdengar lawak cerita jenaka
segala alkisah ragam manusia
yang berselisih di bahu tertangkap di mata
serentak minda bersuara
"ingin kuceritakan kepadanya.."

kisah silam ku buka
mimpi semalam kurungkai cerita
tentang impian, harapan mendatang
akan kukongsi semua
agar tiada dusta tiada rahsia
menerima segala seadanya

dan kini
bila memandang ke langit merenung bintang
pasti akan terkenang
tentang dia

- 1.00 pagi, 20 april 2006

pencetus kebaikan

2006-05-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

Aku pernah tulis belum psl ni..? tak ingat…

Aku selalu percaya, antara tanda Tuhan sayang dan mahu kita sentiasa dlm jalan yg baik, Dia utuskan untuk kita ‘pencetus kebaikan’. Pencetus kebaikan….

Pencetus kebaikan ini boleh dtg dlm mcm-macam rupa. Mungkin dlm bentuk manusia di sekeliling kita, tempat kita berada…bende yg kita lihat..macam2, yg mana adanya benda-benda ni, apabila kita terpandang atau bersama dia, mencetuskan kebaikan dlm diri kita. Ini istilah yg aku bagi sendiri..ikutlah nak namakan apa pun, yg penting ‘bende2’ atau orang2 ini mendorong kita untuk buat perkara kebaikan.

Bila aku kenang2kan balik…rasa sgt bersyukur kerana sentiasa dikelilingi ‘pencetus kebaikan’ ini. Dari kecil sampai sekarang. Dari seorg budak nakal, Tuhan hantar aku ke sekolah agama. Dari seorg budak ‘hingusan’ yg tak tahu apa2, Tuhan aturkan pertemuan dgn org2 tertentu yg jadi ‘pemandu’ aku sehingga aku mampu berdiri sendiri. Org2 yg mana aku jadikan contoh, untuk menjadi muslimah yg lebih baik.

Begitu juga sekarang..aku sentiasa dikelilingi bi’ah atau suasana yg memelihara aku, dlm erti kata tidak ‘sesat’ mengharungi usia remaja. Allah kelilingi aku dgn kawan2 yg mana bersama mereka, aku belajar perkara2 baik. Melihat mereka, aku jd insaf, sedar diri bnyk kekurangan dan bersyukur atas apa yg ada pd aku yg Tuhan beri. Perkara-perkara yg datang dan berlaku dlm hidup juga, bila aku fikir2 balik..semuanya adalah ‘pencetus kebaikan’ untuk aku. Kadang-kadang ..bila aku terpandang sesuatu..dan perkara itu mewujudkan satu rasa yg damai dan membuatkan aku ingat pada Tuhan..itu juga adalah ‘pencetus kebaikan’.

Terima kasih Tuhan…, tak pernah sekali pun Engkau abaikan aku, tak pernah lepas aku dr pengawasan dan kasih sayang-MU. Aku shj yg selalu lupa.

" ..i perceived that God was always near, directing my life, creating the circumstances and opportunities to choose, yet always leaving the crucial choices to me. I was awestruck by the realization of the intimacy and love that reveals, not because we deserve it, but because it is always there and all we have to do is turn to Him to receive it. I cannot say with certainty what the meaning of that vision was, but I could not help seeing in it a sign, a favor, and a new chance.."
- Dr Jeffrey Lang, taken from islamonline.net.

thinking...

2006-05-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

From 'Gubra's movie poster ..
" Why do we hurt the most ppl we love the most ..?"

And my version would be...
" Why do we disappoint the most ppl we want to impress the most..?"

Hmm...

Just some stuffs to fill my mind tonite.

be the first

2006-05-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

I alwys have this curiosity in me, ( maybe that’s the reason for most of my pondering and thinking in here ), to find out the reason behind ppl’s character or behaviour. Why is she like that? Why men think this way? Why and how..basically , that’s among the w-h questions throughout my encounters with ppl in my life. Some are helpful product of thinking, which helped to resolve some issues, but some only manage to create silly ‘merepek’ theories in my mind..ehheh.

And I learn one thing…to ‘always be the first’. Let me tell u a story.

Back during my CBN days, me and my sisters would go home after school on the yellow school bus, along with the secondary students and the boys from St John school. And I remember that I would fill my baju kurung pocket with Hudson Sweet which I bought everyday at the school canteen, ( yg warna kuning tuh, Honey-lemon flavour ). 20 cents for 5 sweets, usually I bought 10 sweets..ehhe, and I would suck the sweets all the way home. (sheesh..who would have thought that I'll be doing dentistry now, looking at my history of ‘sweet-consumption’..).

One day, as usual, I was sitting in the school bus next to the window, happily sucking the candy. Sitting next to me was a secondary school student, a plump Malay girl with curly hair. I noticed her in the bus before, and I know her as the big sister who would give me a smile whenever our eyes met. So..on tht day, she happened to be sitting next to me. No conversation whatsoever, basically it’s like stranger sitting next to stranger, me with my sweets and her with whatever things on her mind.

The thing about me and this Hudson sweet, is that when the one in my mouth has melted, i would open a new one and continue eating. It was like nonstop, continuously sucking Hudson sweets until all that’s left in my pocket were the plastic wrappers or until my palate would shout in painful agony due to vigorous sweet sucking. As I looked outside the window, suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned. The Big Sister was looking at me with the smile and on her palm were two sweets, ( if im not mistaken, gula2 SUGUS oren )
“ Adik, gula-gula ?” politely, she offered me one of her candy. I dont really remember how or what was my facial expression, but I do remember taking the SUGUS gratefully ( totally forgetting my mom’s advice “ jgn ambil gula2 org yg kak tak kenal bagi !” ..) and put it in my pocket. ( sbb ms tuh, dlm mulut ade gula2 lagi..eheh). As I took one of the SUGUS from her hand, she opened the other and put it in her mouth. Then only it struck me. Ive been eating my Hudson sweets one after another, making noisy crunching sound every time I opened the plastic wrapper, and smtms I even made the irritating ‘schsuk-cshuk’ sound as I suck the sweet, not to mention the ‘kruk-kruk’ sound as I crack it with my teeth…and not even once I consider to offer her one of my 10 Hudsons !

She was a nobody, just someone I met in the bus on my way home. She might have noticed me on the bus, as I alwys tried to catch her eyes to get ‘the smile’ of hers. Maybe she offered me the SUGUS bcos she thought tht I must really like sweet looking at my endless sweet sucking. Or maybe she did it out of politeness. But, that small act of kindness taught me sthg I remember till now. About generosity, about being considerate and polite. To ppl younger than u who has no significant importance to ur life. Even to strangers. She taught me to be the first to do act of kindness, no matter how small that action is, it might mean the world to others. Because from tht small kindness, it can extends to many, many other good things. Friendship created, smiles shared, happiness expanded…basically..that’s how it is. Just by being the first to do kind things to others.

I still remember her, the warm face who would smile at me. I really am grateful, and I still practise what she taught me. In many kind of ways. Be the first to smile to other ppl. And be the first to say hello to the quiet, snobbish-looking neighbour who actually is a very nice person once u get to know them. Maybe they just dont know how to break the ice. And now, whenever I have extra sweets with me ( yeah..i still eat sweets smtmes.. )..i would try to remember the feeling the ‘big sister’ instilled in me when she offered me her sweet and ill do the same to the person sitting next to me in the bus. At least, I make the person next to me happy,..just the way the BigSister made me feel. All by one small act of kindness..

So..ppl, spread the kindness. The world has become too harsh and cruel, let our small deeds bit by bit make this world a better place…

kisah cicak

2006-04-29T03:20:00.000-07:00

2 tahun menetap dlm bilik ni, sekalipun tak pernah nampak kelibat cicak. Tiba2 malam ni, lagi 2 minggu nak meninggalkan bilik ni..nampak seekor cicak yg masih kecil melekat kat dinding. Aiikkk…

Betapa peliknya serangga, ops, reptilia cicak nih..tiba2 je ade. Mana generasi sebelumnya, ..sbb untuk membolehkan wujudnya cicak kecik nih, mesti ada mak bapaknya kan..? Entah2 dalam almari aku.

Masa kecik2 dulu, pantang nampak cicak. Bersegera panggil ‘askar’2 lain, esp Abe, “… cepat2 , kita bunuh, dpt pahala..”. Lps tu, lintang pukang lari kejar cicak, dan lintang pukang jugak lari sbb geli dgn cicak. Semuanya sbb kisah zaman nabi dulu, yg kononnya disebabkan cicaklah tempat persembunyian Nabi diketahui. Dh nasib engkau cicak…seluruh keturunan dimusuhi.

Kenapa namanya ‘cicak’..? Mungkin sbb bunyinya yg “cukcukcuk” mcm tuh..jd org pertama yg jumpa reptilia ni ( btw..dia reptilia kan.? Taknak pulak berulang sejarah ‘godzilla’..ehhe), dan terfikir apa nama binatang nih.. dengar bunyi “cukcukcuk " terus namakan mcm tu. Mungkin jugak dulu, asal namanya “cukcuk”..tapi lama2, dr satu mulut manusia ke manusia, mcm main “bisik2/telefon buruk” masa zaman kanak2 dulu..dr ‘cukcuk’ akhirnya jd ‘cicak’. Hmm.. possible.

..still fikir, mana dtgnya cicak kecik nih…

( inilah yg berlaku bila mata tak boleh tidur di tgh malam, baca ortho sambil dgr lagu " take me to ur heart" for the zillionth time, dan terpandang cicak merayap kat dinding..haihh, bertemankan cicak nilah aku mlm ni..Isskk...cepatlah habis exam!!!!! )

in the same 'drain'...again.

2006-04-26T16:53:00.000-07:00

I need a miracle…

I've read somewhere, I think in one of the Andrew Matthews motivational series, that when bad thing happens, it’s because the world is teaching us sthg. And if the bad things keep repeating itself in front of us, it’s because we haven’t really learn from it, and the world has to teach us again. Until we finally learn and get it. Hmm…

Why I never learn from mistakes.....

When I think about it, reflecting my life..what is stated in Quran is true.. “..Sesungguhnya Allah tidak menganiaya manusia sedikit pun, akan tetapi manusia jualah yang menganiaya diri mereka sendiri..”
– Surah Yunus :44

Kita dh tahu kalau makan banyak manis dan berlemak, tak jaga kesihatan, risikonya macam2 penyakit nanti..tapi kita buat jugak.
Kita pun tahu kalau nak jadi orang berjaya dan berguna, kalau nak hidup senang.. kena bersusah-susah dahulu, berkorban masa dan tenaga..tapi tetap nak bermalas2 dan tak berdisiplin…macam mana nak berjaya…(dan macamana nak buat elok dlm exam ?!)
Dan kita juga tahu, hidup kat dunia ni sekejap je, pinjaman sahaja, tempat kita singgah..tapi persediaan aku hanya setakat mana, sedangkan ajal mati sesuatu yg pasti, dan rahsia…

Tuhan dah bagi peluang, sentiasa bagi peluang…kita yang sia-siakan bila tak gunakan peluang yang diberi dgn baik.
Tuhan dh beritahu dan ajar melalui al-Quran, malah diulang-ulangnya lagi, kita sahaja yg tak pernah nak ambil pengajaran..

Memang-lah kita yang aniaya diri kita sendiri sebenarnya.

“ Dan sesungguhnya telah Kami mudahkan Al-Quran untuk pelajaran, maka adakah orang yang mengambil pelajaran ?”…
- Surah al-Qamar : 17, 22, 32, 40.

Issks…

tagging time, i like!

2006-04-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

( bila kebosanan menghadap buku melanda diri..eheeh..lari ke cc jap.)

tagged by ghoyye, here goes...=]

How many schools did I go to?
- Let start with pre-school/kindergarten. I went to Tadika Amal, for 1 year and half, had to quit halfway because of a boy, who made my life miserable. I dread to face each morning, knowing that I would be seeing him in school. Luckily, my father let me stay at home for the rest of the year. If he happens to read this, I think I would…I just…I hope..let just hope he's a better man now, or at least, less scarier ..

- Then, primary school, SRK Convent Bkt Nanas, KL. Had a wonderful six years here.!!

- Next, secondary school, SMAP LAbu, Neg Sembilan. Another 5 years spent, a place where I grew up, and blossomed into a woman. ;]

-Is matriculation considered as ‘school’ ? Definition of ‘school’ by Oxford Dict ( naz, can u be any more 'skema' than that..?), ‘an institution for educating children; a dept in uni with a particular area of study; a group of ppl sharing similar views, methods’. Whatever-laah naz..

Was I the studious nerd, or the last minute hero?
- Hmm..never the studious nerd, always the ‘last minute’ person. But there was this one time, I was in Form 2, I think the only time in my life when I studied quite consistently...( plus the UPSR, PMR and SPM year..ehhe ). I remembered going to class in the evening and weekends to study alone. But actually the main reason I turned into a ‘studious nerd’ in 1996 was due to some personal conflicts and issues, which caused me to isolate myself with books. But alhamdulillah…the ‘hikmah’ from it, the following year I jumped to first class,...( err..ive to delete the last line.., tak perlulah cerita in detail sgt, naz.. )

Was I the class ‘taiko’ or the teacher’s pet?
-never the class ‘taiko’ either..hehheh…but I used to belong to a playful, loud, perasan ‘hebat’ group when I was in CBN ( u know, all-girls school..), but I was also a prefect, who was trusted by teachers to hold their cupboards keys where they kept important things and the one keeping and collecting class money. I remembered once when I was in stdrd 6, because my class teacher ‘burdened’ me with this and that responsibility, I could memorize which cupboard keep papers, which shelf contained ' kad manila', which rows of book to look when she asked me to pick a book.. like it was my house instead of a class.
- In short, I think I was more like the ‘teacher’s pet’ type. Never had any problem with teachers as far as I can remember. I think one of the reason I put teachers on a pedestal is because my parents are teacher/lecturer, my grandparents were also teachers..so basically, how I treat my parents, that’s how I treat my teacher. I don’t like other kids to be disrespectful to my parents in school, so I wont do the same to my own teachers.

What was the biggest rule I broke in school?
- heheh..this is hard. I was quite 'skema' in school, most of the rules were followed obediently without fuss. Lemme think for a sec..hmm. I think the biggest rule I broke was on my last day in SMAP, me and a few friends of mine, we climbed the ‘tangki air’ belakang sekolah and take pictures to carve that moment in print. Fuuh..ultimate lah tuh kononnya, never break rules, but on the last day tuh, panjat tangki air ! Terketar2 nak ambil gambar kat atas tuh, untuk kenangan lah kan..ehhe nasib baik tak kena kejar dgn jaga !! =p

Three subjects I enjoyed the most:
1. history – seriously, I really like history. Baca buku teks sejarah mcm baca buku cerita, sampai hancur2 dahlah buku pinjaman. Dan sambil baca, i would imagine the images of ppl and events. Fuuh..memang ralit baca buku sejarah..=]
2. bahasa melayu penulisan – ni pun among fav subjects. Since primary school, I really enjoyed writing and found great satisfaction when my writings were put on board for ppl to read.
3. pendidikan islam – I think the major factor was because I alwys like the teachers who taught me this subject. From primary up to secondary school, alwys found myself ‘melopong’ listening to their stories in class. And very seriously too..ehhe.

Three teachers who inspired me:
1. Cikgu Fatimah, my class teacher when I was in standard 6. Yeah..she did order me around, from cleaning the class to picking up her things, but she really taught me a lot. How to be neat and tidy, disciplined and organized. There was this one time, I had to collect money from students. When I handed her the money which I hold firmly in my hand, she looked at it in disgust and said to me.. " u expect me to take that ‘crumpled looking’ money from ur hand?” And then she taught me how to ‘susun duit’..ehhe, small things u might say, yeah..but it stays in my mind. And from that small things, ..i learn how to alwys ensure that whatever work I do, I would try to make it as presentable as possible and as perfect as I can before submitting. On the last day of the school year, when I asked her to write in my autograph book, she looked up to me, paused for a moment and wrote “..Takut adalah musuh kita yg paling utama. Fight the fear. Go..go..go the distance ! U can do it!"..Sheesh.. I can still remember this too
2. Cikgu Chen. My bahasa melayu teacher when I was in form 2. I was alwys amazed at her, being a Chinese and all, yet she speaks good Malay, and alwys energetic in class teaching Malay language. She really ‘jaga’ her tatabahasa ( a Bahasa MElayu teacher, what do we expect…=] ) but it was her passion in teaching Bahasa Melayu tht really make me respect her. And she is very kind too..very. She would alyws give us presents , like sweets or fruits..things like that.
3. Miss Chew. my Physics teacher when I was in Matriculation. She’s the one who instilled the 'wonder' of Physics in me, and helped me to finally understand what ‘physics’ is all about. Seriously… I never, repeat..never understand Physics in school, just hafal buta2… which ended up being the lowest grade in my SPM..ehhe. Without her, I dunno how I would survive my physics in matrix..because of her too..i managed to get an A, the highest among all four subjects taken during matrix. Thanks Miss Chew..ill never forget you. =]

So..that’s all. Hmm..who should I pass this tagging thingy next..? I think I would put it this way... To all my blog-readers, whoever wants to do it..u are most welcome to.. ill be sure to drop by and read them later..=]

okay naz..time to head back to ur room..( bleaaah...=/)

blame no one

2006-04-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

One thing about human being, our innate tendency to blame others when things go wrong. We blame our teammates if our project failed. We blame the alarmclock if we woke up late. We accuse the innocent stool if we accidentally skipped onto it and fell. We are never wrong, it’s always them. It might not be the case to everyone or at all time ..but..smtmes, not without us realizing or wanting to do it, our spontaneous reaction when plan turn disaster is to find something or someone other than ourselves to put the blame on. Before we get to our senses, that is. Maybe it’s our escapism from accepting failure or it happens out of insensible and irrational thinking as we are feeling doomed about the matter. It’s normal…

But it’s not normal to keep on blaming others or the table-leg which we alwys ‘tersepak’ everytime we passed that area. It’s not normal to feel that we are always the one who is ‘right’ and never do mistakes. And it’s absolutely not right to blame other ppl when it is really ur fault. Yeah..u can give all kind of excuses, trying to turn ‘black’ to ‘white’ all ur might ..but deep down, we know that..“ It is our fault..”. Nothing we can do other then to admit the mistake, apologise, learn from it and move one. That’s all. It’s not that hard, isn’t it..?

The same goes to ppl who would ‘maki-hamun’ the police traffic for giving speeding ticket. Why speed when u know u should not? Why blame the police traffic for handing u speeding ticket? They’re just doing their work. A similar scenario is when a prefect catch u for skipping class while u hide in the toilet, smoking. Skip class is one thing, SMOKING is another. Is it the prefect’s fault, it’s his responsibility and u know tht u should not skip school, more else smoking. Another quite different example but it relates to the same issue, is when a girl u like turn u down politely when u ask her to be ur special girlfriend, saying tht she likes it better if the both of u are only friends. Suddenly u feel like u are the victim, and go blaming the girl for turning u down when all she did was being honest with her feelings. Or is it part and parcel of being human..to blame others?

Accept that when it’s your fault, it’s your fault. Accept that smtmes life is not alwys on your side, not everything u want u’ll get. Accept that humans are not perfect, we are not perfect, ppl next to us are not perfect. ACCEPT. By accepting that that’s how life is, it will make u feel more ‘redha’ and create ‘rasa-diri-hamba’, knowing that we have no power to alwys be right, or to demand that all the things we want we should get. And it’s not a 'cowardice act' to lower our head a little, admitting our mistakes. It’s not a sign of weakness to apologise when u know u have wronged someone. No matter if u were the boss, the parents, the husband, the leader….when we know we did wrong, with humbleness seek forgiveness. Because frankly..being able to mouth the word ‘I apologise’ will make other ppl respect u more, esp if u are on top as the leader and saying this two words to your followers. It’s a remarkable thing to do..because it’s not easy. I know it’s not easy, esp when u are a man with ego and all..But, trust me, it’s worth it. Only a courageous man will dare enough to swallow his pride, admit his fault and apologise.

And besides, by going around blaming other ppl when things turn awry, esp when u know that it’s not going to solve anything, what good will it do. Learn from it. Find a way to fix it. Take responsibility if it’s ur fault. Stop yapping away blaming others…it really doesn’t make u look good.

Why am I suddenly all ‘heated-up’ like this.. ? Many reasons..not going to enlist them in here,..just letting out things on my mind. When lecturers take action to students who do not finish their work or requirements at the end of their final year, when they know that they should…is it the lecturer’s fault for giving the students detention? They are just doing their work. Is it wrong for them to hold these few unlucky students and give extra tests and work to really ensure that these students are capable and competent before going out serving public..? No, it’s not wrong, and they have every reason to do that. And should u, as a person who’s been taught and guided by these lecturers, from knowing nothing to knowing something, feel victimized and blame the lecturers for ‘punishing’ u..? No, u should not. We should not.

When it’s your fault, admit.

I admit my mistakes, and willing to face the consequences.

(..but still, it's really hard not to blame the 'not-so-bijak' cassete player for ruining my fav KEnny G tape (..it belongs to kakak actually..=/), esp at times when i need it the most..isk...)

if only..

2006-04-09T21:28:00.000-07:00

If only I could start back from the very first day I stepped my feet into campus life, I wouldn’t let it be the way it was for the past 5 yrs im here. I would study hard, real hard… and score excellent results in exams, and make myself proud being me. Not to impress anyone, just for my own personal satisfaction, apart from making my parents very happy having a daughter who scored with flying colours in every exams. Not that I cant do it, provided I work hard and be disciplined, I know myself..that I can achieve it.

It just that..it’s too late to ponder about this now. Thinking about this in my few last weeks as a student here, sure won't make me feel any better, knowing that I haven’t really utilised my full potential and ability during my uni years. When u have the ability, but u don’t use it…it sure doesn’t give a good feeling inside. It makes u feel like u’ve wasted the chances and opportunity that Allah has given u. And..in the Days of Judgement, when everything will be opened and witnessed before our eyes, the things ive done, the time ive wasted…what would be the most appropriate answer should I offer my Creator..? That I was simply being lazy in dunia..?

There’s nothing much I can do, other than reminding myself to remember this moment forever, as a lesson for the years to come. To be more focused and hardworking. Yeah…insyaAllah, if I managed to further my study one day,.i would repent by studying double hard, as a way to pay back for the lost times during my undergraduate years. Till that time comes,..insyaAllah. Maybe then I would feel more relieved, knowing that i had done my part in dunia well, using the gift bestowed upon me by Allah and chances handed to me full-heartedly…and not wasting it like before. InsyaAllah…..

For now, naz..concentrate on using the time left. Found this saying somewhere, that the last 5 mins in a football match could make a big difference…ehhe. So…study!

even when u are left in solitude,
with only the moonlight to depend on,
fly away using featherless wings,
and keep moving forward !
- 1 Litre of Tears

blogthings

2006-04-06T00:21:00.000-07:00

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal.You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk.

You should major in:
Philosophy Music Theology Art History Foreign language

What Should You Major In?

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent.Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art.
You would make an excellent:
Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic DesignerIllustrator - Musician - Sculptor
The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's" Your Ideal Career?

Your Inner Blood Type is Type A

You seem cool and collected, though a bit shy.You are highly driven and a perfectionist, but that's a side you keep to yourself.Creative and artistic, you are a very unique person who doesn't quite fit in.People accept you more than you realize, seeing you as trustworthy and loyal.
You are most compatible with: A and AB
Famous Type A's: Britney Spears and Hilter

What's" Your Inner Blood Type?

Your Love Element Is Metal

In love, you inspire and respect your partner.For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience.
You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you.
Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life.You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past.
You connect best with: Earth
Avoid: Fire
You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other

What Element Is Your Love?

..hehehhe...activity time maleh nak study,..=p

kerana dah biasa...

2006-04-05T20:58:00.000-07:00

Biasanya kita ni, bila dah selesa dengan sesuatu benda, kalau benda tu hilang atau rosak, kita cenderung untuk mencari pengganti yang lebih kurang sama dengan yg hilang tu. Kerana kita dh merasa selesa dengan yg begini, kalau tukar dengan yg begitu karang takut tak berkenan atau tak puas hati pulak.

Kenapa aku tiba2 terfikir psl ni. Sebab tadi, melintas depan bilik kawan, terpadang 2 sandal yg tersusun elok depan bilik dia. Sandal yang serupa tapi tak sama. Serupa kerana corak dan fesyen sandal ni serupa, siap kedua2nya ada bunga di tali. Tak sama maksud aku, kerana bukan dari jenama sandal yg sama. Punyalah nak yg sebijik mcm sandal kegemaran, sampai beli yg rupa saling tak tumpah. Punyalah mahu mengekalkan rasa keselesaan tu. Dan punyalah tak mahu mencuba kelainan atau bende yg baru.

I used to be like that. When im familiar with sthg, to change to sthg else is hard. Example, in buying things, particularly bag. Last time around, if i went shopping for bags, i would go reaching straight for a brown bag, with the design and material almost similar to the previous old,broken bag. If there's no 'brown' bag, ill take the 'black'. If there's no 'black', ill go for 'brown+black' ..trying hard to find a bag who look like a 'photostated' copy from the previous one. Why ? Sbb dh suka sgt dan dh selesa sgt dgn yg tu. Walhal takde salahnya try yg lain, corak lain..warna lain.

And one day, i bought an 'apple-green'-coloured bag, with a totally different design from all my previous bags . Something i never do and not used to doing. The first day i brought the bag to class, rasa sangat canggung dan pelik, rasa bukan mcm diri sendiri. Friends and ppl who alwys see me going around with a 'brown-coloured' bag gave double looks and comments like "...ehh...naz lain hari ni..” or " naz tukar selera ke? ”. Yeap., have to admit that the first few days with the new bag, rs sgt canggung dan tak selesa..rasa mcm semua org tengok, tapi..lama kelamaan perasaan tu jd biasa. Malah sgt suka dan selesa menyandang beg hijau epal tu di bahu. And now, my bags are not only brown in colour, ..there are pink, orange, maroon ....and not forgetting..the 'hijau-epal' bag!!! =D

Kan best bila hidup kita tak terikat kepada satu corak atau warna shj. Tak salah try buat atau beli sesuatu yg di luar kebiasaan kita, ( asal tak melampaui batas lah kan..)..cos it really gives a different feeling bila kita melakukan atau memakai sesuatu yg kita tak biasa buat. Macam perasaan aku mula2 bawa beg hijau epal tu. It feels different..refreshing, like u just stepped out from ur old, rigid self ..and become a different, new person.

In short, a change is good, it prevents u from becoming stagnant. Recalling a quote I once read “..in matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current..”- Thomas Jefferson.

walking towards destiny

2006-04-02T13:18:00.000-07:00

alhamdulillah..feeling very happy today..=]

guess 'love after marriage' is not so bad after all, we just have to endure the first few 'feeling-less' moments ..

betullah mcm yg dikata..'tak kenal maka tak cinta'...bila dh kenal, terasa sgt Tuhan sayang, dipandu-Nya kita ke jalan yg paling sesuai dan terbaik utk kita...

now ..it's up to me...naz, prove to urself..sure u can..!!!

doakan saya yea...=]..

*in my final days as undergraduate student..

kena tipu..( aiyoo..)

2006-03-31T13:52:00.000-08:00

Smtmes I wonder, do I have any label or ‘cop’ on my forehead with words “come and fool me, ‘cos Im easily fooled !”....

Back in school, there was this one boy, who found pleasure in teasing me. From displaying my things at the writing board and jumping out of nowhere to scare me,.. I didn’t really mind that much, but..it could get really sickening and embarrassing at times, thinking why was I the target. Was I that gullible..?

Speaking of gullibility…

One day, he rushed into class, all serious looking and said to me..
“ naz..cikgu shamsiah nak jumpa ko sekarang. Kat bilik guru. Sekarang ,” blinking his eyes in solemnity.
“..hah..?! kenapa ?,” panic-strickenly.( muka risau toksah ckplah )
“ mana aku tahu. Pergilah,” not even looking at me.
(This must be serious. This jovial, clown-class is speaking one straight sentence without cracking a joke). I hurried to the teacher’s room, my mind was nearly exploding thinking of all sorts of worst thing tht could happen. Was it my Addmths ? I know im never a whizz in maths, more else addmths..But, was it tht bad..?! I fastened my steps..
“ cikgu nak jumpa saya ke..?” I timidly asked the lovely looking teacher who was in a middle of conversation with another cikgu.
“ huh.? Bila masa saya ckp nak jumpa awak..?” dubiously asking me. Huh?
“ tapi..tadi..*** ckp cikgu nak jumpa saya..” ( the ever blurr me still didn’t get it..)
“ takdelah. Awak dh kena ‘makan’ dgn dialah tuh..” smiling at me. Excusing myself as I left the group of smiling teachers, I turned and marched back to class, fuming. And from far I could hear his shrieking sound of laughter. Eiiieeii……!!! =[

And I thought that days were over. But then, I got fooled again from time to time, esp by my brother. And my father too smtmes. And the thing is, I never really get the signals or hints that a ‘lie-is-on–its-way’,.. I just kept tumbling head down into it. There were times when I answered the phone and it was a male voice at the other end of line ( deep, booming male voice tht can make stomach flutter). And this ‘male’ caller would introduce himself as someone acquainted to me, and I would fumbled thinking hard who it would be, and after a couple of minutes, a burst of laughter reached my ear, and a familiar sound took place….
“ oit..ni Abe-lah…! Apa lah kak nih..”. Great. Again.

Like tht was not enuff. I got fooled by strangers too. Strangers who approached me, with sorrow looks and pitiful faces, asking for help, straightforwardly speaking..money. And I end up handing out money to some liars, even worse, to some scruffy looking guy who will use my money to buy drug. And also guys who would cut the line when I were lining up for taxi, with excuses like he would miss his plane or he will die if he can’t get to tht place on time etc.. leaving me looking flustered and nodding feebly to his request, of should I say, lie. To make matter worse, the rest of the ppl lining behind me would then give disapproving looks and comments as to why i let that guy cut the line when they had spent hours lining up behind me..?

This whole ‘kena tipu’ scenes should and would end. No more. Especially trusting words from strangers. Okay…teasing here and joking there is fine, I don’t mind laughing at myself....and besides, like what P Ramlee said in one of his songs..
" Kalau hidup tak bergurau senda, hilang nikmat cinta..". It just, maybe.. I too, should learn how to play prank on other ppl, or at least learn how to lie, at least one teeny-white lie. Wonder how it feels to watch the innocent and believing look of other ppl, falling into my prank..heheheh....; ]

=/...

2006-03-28T16:51:00.000-08:00

" what's wrong with falling down,
..u can always stand up again.."
- 1 Litre of Tears..

things gonna be alright, naz...everything's gonna be alright...

bukan cinta biasa

2006-03-27T22:57:00.000-08:00

Coincidently, as I was drafting this entry in my blog, it happened to be this morning’s topic in Hot.fm radio station, conducted by the ever-cheerful Fara Fauzana and Faisal Ismail. As I was getting ready to class, I listened interestedly to the callers comments. Hmm..looks like it’s the ‘in’ and the trend nowadays ehh.. “ young woman falling for older man ”.

And I thought the ‘Datuk K and Siti’ issue is only gossiped among friends as we gathered together, funny that our Prof brought up this topic in MOS class, asking each students to give opinions about it. Heh.., I think I know why, because he is like a ‘father’ to us, and probably a father to some lucky girl out there, who was trying to tell us something in an indirect way about this issue. Lebih kurg mcm cara ayah aku bila nak menyatakan rs tak sukanya terhadap sesuatu. Dia akan cerita psl perkara2 yg lain, tapi dlm bercerita tuh, perlahan2 dia menjurus ke maksud sebenar. Kdg2, ayah tak perlu nak hurai pjg..aku dh dapat tangkap maksud berselirat sebalik kata2 dia. Ayah2..takde lain..cukup risau hal anak2, sampai dh besar panjang pun masih dlm kerisauannya jugak…ehhe.

But what my prof said the other day is right. Bila jarak usia terlalu sgt, akan ada kemungkinan wujud masalah dalam komunikasi. Pemikiran org berusia 50-an pastinya tak sama dgn org yang dua kali ganda muda drnya. Kehendak, keinginan, kemampuan dan kudrat jugak dh jauh beza. Bukan tak boleh atau tak elok, mungkin juga takkan wujud jurang komunikasi ni, but the chances are, hmm..there will be. Kerana dua generasi yg berlainan. Tapi…yelah..bila dh ambil keputusan utk itu, apa2 jugak yg dtg, harus diterima dan dihadapi sebaik mungkin..masa inilah kekuatan cinta jd ukuran.

Kalau aku-lah …“ini aku katakan ‘kalau’ ”..(sapa boleh teka dialog filem apa ..ehehe), I don’t think I would go for this kind of risk. Apart from my father would never approve of it, the image of a marriage in my mind does not comply with this idea of ‘marrying-someone-twice-my–age’. Hmm..but again, ‘lain orang, lain lah..’, apa yg aku rasa dan fikir tak sama dgn apa yg Siti, Norjuma atau org2 lain yg melaluinya rasa. Bukankah kebahagiaan, kecantikan, dan segala macam bentuk perasaan itu subjektif, terpulang kpd org yg melalui dan menilainya. Mungkin, we should also listen to their part of story..then perhaps, we could understand why they choose the person, beating the odds and putting a deaf ear to disapproval voices around them.

What is it that older man possess that can melt a young woman’s heart..? That must be one of the thing twirling in our mind as we talk about this. My prof said, and I agree very much to this..is confidence. Yeap, confidence in a man is one of the thing woman found sexy and attractive. A man’s confidence yields his male-ness, indirectly shows his inner strength and his ability to protect and provide security, one of the thing women crave for in a relationship with a guy. But..as I think about it, why older man appeared more confident and full of composure is because he has already passed the years where he was the young, inconfident man trying to make a decent living and who’s still very unsure about many things in life, the state where Im in right now. (..eheh, that proves Im still young =p ). But it makes sense-kan..we can’t compare a 25 yrs old to a 45 yrs old man in their confidence level, or state of stability, or their incomes or savings. It’s like trying to compare a cute duckling attempting his first swim to a swan padding away proudly in the pond.

I can go talking about this endlessly, but I have to restrain myself from getting carried away and pretend to forget about this big exam coming in a month time. But again..back to the topic above, let them choose the life they want, without the pressure from the crowd, offering opinions on how they should live their life. Im referring to the media ppl, who was like following their movements every seconds and manipulating their statements for the sake of selling their paper. That’s the price to pay when u are Siti Nurhaliza ehh..but, give her some space to breathe. She also wants to enjoy being in love after all the years of hard work.

Older guy may seem more matured in conversations and their demeanour. Older man may look more convincing to a woman because they are more stable in terms of their living and finances. Apart from looking knowledgeable about life due to them having more experiences, recalling one of my friends opinion about this, older men are more patient ( 'penyabar' ) in dealing with unpredictable temperament of a young woman. Dunno-lah…as for me,.. i see marriage as a journey of experimenting and experiencing life together with my spouse, make mistakes and learn from it, be in love and enjoy the years to come, basically.. grow old together. Apa2 pun, no matter what kind of life u choose, choose wisely as we have to take the responsibility of the choices we make.

Hmm..maybe love is BLIND after all…

the silent moment

2006-03-24T22:43:00.000-08:00

one thing about Japanese dramas/films that I really like, is their ‘silent moments’. The scenes where the actors would stare into space, thinking. The stillness of the scenes, basically that’s what I mean. And amazingly, in that silent moment, the feeling inside them are expressed without the needs of saying it or acting it out.

There are many things about Japanese dramas which make it ‘different’ from Korean or Chinese ( more else Malay dramas ! lmbtla lagi..). How the story’s presented, how they expressed it on screen. Not to say all Japanese dramas are that great, but..so far, I alwys find a different satisfaction after watching them. The way they talk about life’s issues..esp love and family, in such a way that is simple and subtle, but..it went straight to the heart, and left me thinking about it. But again..it’s personal preference..lain org..lainlah..( tau... kakak!!! Ehehe)..

Speaking about ‘silent moment’..smtmes, when situation gets too silent, it becomes kind of awkward, esp when u are on the phone with someone or talking to him/her face to face. When there is a long pause, and u just dunno what to say to break the silence. At the same time, ur mind are running 100km/hr, trying to find a thing to say. Maybe u are uneasy because of the silence, or maybe u just dont want the person at the end of the line to think that u are a plain, boring, dull person and start to head towards exit door. And smtmes too, because u are such in a hurry to talk and sound ‘chatty’, u began to ramble nonsense, u don’t really listen to the person talking because u are racking ur brain preparing of what to say next, ... basically..it’s like u just talk without knowing what u talked. The feeling is,..ermm..how to say it…empty ? feeling-less? Unfulfilled ?..it doenst feel like how it supposed to feel. Am I making any sense here..?

Thinking about it, maybe that ‘silent moment’ or ‘long pause’ is not sthg that we should fight after all. Not to say that we would have a ‘mute’ conversation, it just if the ‘silent moment’ appears, let’s not try too hard to overcome it. Let the moment be still, and in that brief period of silence, perhaps we’ll be able to really be ourselves and not struggling to be ‘talkative’. In that moment too, given some time to think normally, we’ll be able to say what we want to say the way we want it to be said, and not just babble out anything that crossed our mind. But most importantly, we’ll listen to the other person whole-heartedly and attentively, feeling the presence of his voice in our ears and then respond accordingly, the way it should. And then perhaps, the conversation would be much, much more fun, enjoyable and meaningful..thanks to the silent moment.

And maybe too, as u ponder and think quietly within the long silence, the deepest part of u emerged and be shown without u having to force it out. No matter if u are talking to the person over the phone or sitting next to each other, the silent moment will surely fill in once in a while. Just treasure some of the moments, ..maybe it is there for a reason.

tumbling with Tumblebug

2006-03-23T11:02:00.000-08:00

At last. Lepas jugak Level 3 .Heheheh….

After seems like forever stuck in Level 3,..ive finally shifted myself to Level 4 earlier this week.( ..and God knows for how long ill be struggling in Level 4 nih..=/ ). And what infuriates me is that all my friends were already smugly announcing that they’ve finished all 12 levels, some are in their Level 8 or 9..and here I am, still crawling like turtle in Level 3..ops, Level 4 ( like there’s a big difference between that two ).

Btw..im talking about ‘Tumblebug’ game. Not the kind of game adult choose to play, but it’s fun and very colorful too…heheh. And the only computer game I play.. ( sob ) apart from ‘Digger’ or ‘Tapper’ , the game I used to play when I was a kid. Yang tu pun lah …I remembered furiously knocking on the keyboard to ‘save’ myself from ‘dying’..which happened all the time. When it was Digger time, I would be frantically trying to run away from being killed by the villains, but alwys end up stranded and ‘dead’.( in the game the term is ‘Rest in Peace’ ). When I was playing Tapper, the same situation would occur, the game would end with me rushing like maniac to serve drinks, but in the end all the glasses would be crashing on the floor. Guess what my brother grumbled when I played playstation with him was not entirely wrong..( punyalah tak nak ngaku tuh..)..”Kak ni tak cekaplah..”. Cehhh..

Okay..okay, I admit, maybe..computer game is really not my thing. And maybe because I keep dying, or getting punched sampai tak bangun2 in the ‘fighting’ game, or keep losing when it’s racing game or whatever game pun lah…are among the reason why I don’t really play computer game. I would be writing or watch movies in my computer, seriously..i don’t play computer game for a very long time, that is after Digger or Tapper years, which was like 10 -13 years ago. Until I found Tumblebug. Yeap..until Tumblebug.

It’s a kid’s game alright, and at this moment, im tumbling unsuccessfully in each level, gruntling with frustrations whenever the ‘bug’ appeared on screen with words .." Hahah! Now ur friends stay with me FOREVER..!!..” indicating that ive lost all the lives provided. Again. Nevermind..ill reach that Level 12 soon. Ermm…might not be that soon..ehheeh, but I will one day..=<.

But, I dunno, it might be my imagination, tp kan..bila asyik2 mati shj in each task, the next repeated round tu mcm lebih mudah, mcm slow je bug2 tu bergerak, dan mcm bnyk je colour2 yg sama…is there a possibility that they kind of programmed this game for ppl like me ..? Cos u know..it's quite sad and pitiful to be losing repeatedly in such a simple game when some ppl managed to climb to level 3 in half an hour while im working all my might for weeks, or months in it..ehhe. Maybe they are scared that ill be de-motivated as i keep losing and attempt suicide..? Hoh..naz, get real...hmm..

Btw..eheheh, I know im supposed to be studying..err, main ‘Tumblebug’ as selingan bolehh....?

.

ganbatte !!

2006-03-20T11:35:00.000-08:00

" most of the important things in the world were accomplished by people who kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all "
- Dale Carnegie.

late at night

2006-03-18T03:38:00.000-08:00

it's late, 1.40 am in the morning. The house is quiet as all the family members are soundly asleep, and here i am alone, writing in here.

quite a day. When i thought the day is over, and i was heading home like usual, suddenly sthg came up, which gave a little bit of difference to my nearly-bland week. Caught up with a Chinese coursemate in Putra lrt, said that he's on his way for an Endodontic Talk at PJ Hilton and invited me to come along. I dunno what really attracts me to be so agreeable on going..( knowing the known trait in me who like to consider and weighs the pros-cons for quite some time..), but i went, in spite of the tiredness. It was an 'okay' talk, the speaker is a dentist/lecturer from the US, and he really is a good speaker, ( but my seat was far at the back, causing me to crane my neck every now and then to get a clearer view of the slaids..) It was quite a new experience for me, mingling around crowds of dentists and pretending to look sophisticated and knowledgable..( ehhe...). Maybe..it was the experience that i crave so much, that brought me there, apart from the RM 20 registration fee for student which is affordable..and ..as expected, the food was great. hehehe..

Arrived home around 11 pm. I was never home this late, and the idea of walking by myself even only for a few metres was quite terrifying.( ..it's not the ghost im scared of, it's the evil in human which is more frightening..). My father offered to pick me up, but..the 24 yrs-old woman voice in me said.." it's okay, im going to be alright, there's nothing to be worried about..". But as i stepped down from the lrt, and felt the quietness and eerieness of the near-ly vacant area, i begin to fastened my steps, started wishing silently that i had learn some simple steps of taekwondo or karate. As i turned to my house area, gladly saw that warung pak abu lights were still on and shining at the roadside. But the wonderful part of the story was when i glanced at the dark sky above me, i saw the moon was there, round and bright, as if it's helping to guide my way. And with every steps of mine..i could feel the moon's eyes following me..Thank you Allah, for protecting and enabling me to arrive home safely.

And later spent my time talking with kakak...she's alwys the best person to talk to, Imah too. Yah pun. Bie..ermm..she's still very young to talk about " what women talk.."..ehhhe. That's one great thing having many sisters, apart from swapping clothes, make-ups and accesories, u'll get the best, most trusted advises regarding certain women's issues, as they alwys want u to have the best thing in ur life.

Tergendala jap blog-writing, as i turned my full focus and attention to the person talking to me over the phone ;]. Talking to someone can be such a joy,...hmmm..

okaylah ppl..time to hit the bed. More coming..insyaAllah..

nikmat bahagia

2006-03-13T12:40:00.000-08:00

perasaan ni kadang-kadang pelik. Bila sedih akan menangis, bila terlalu gembira pun menangis. Dan tatkala diri merasa terlalu bahagia, tengah2 ketawa gembira, ada sikit terselit rasa takut. Takut rasa bahagia yg melimpah ruah ni direnggut dari genggaman. Hmm..manusia..manusia..

Saat dikelilingi suasana riuh adik beradik. Melihat wajah gembira dan senang hati mama dan ayah. Dan menyedari wujud perasaan baru yg indah dalam diri,..=]..yg membuatkan hidup terasa lebih berwarna -warni..Alhamdulillah..nikmat kasih sayang anugerah Tuhan.

Ya Allah..peliharalah kami dalam menikmati kebahagiaan agar kami tak lupa mengucap syukur pada-Mu. Kekalkanlah kami dalam keamanan dan kesejahteraan, Wahai Tuhan Yang Maha Memberi, Maha Memperkenankan..amiin...

heart matters

2006-03-10T14:30:00.000-08:00

my favourite topic. .., yet the most challenging and confusing as well.

ive spent my entire life asking ppl about their love relationship, figuring and wondering silently about each of it. What make it a success, what cause it to fail ? Hoping to learn without experiencing. Thinking that by doing it, ill learn the good and the bad, the strengths and flaws, just by judging from ppl's stories. Just by observing as an outsider. 'Cause then i wont make any mistakes, no risks of hurting and be hurt. Refraining myself from relationship's disasters and break-ups. And i thought that was the best way, keeping me to myself, till the time comes.

Hah, the funny thing is..when is the time..? And how will i know it's the time...? THe thing about reality world, is we can never know, it's for us to find out. The answers are not going to be 'spooned' to me. I have to find out if i want to know. On my own.

A friend said to me "dont plan ur heart, plan everything else like ur future, ur work, ur daily life..but not ur heart..let it works the way it should..". Not to plan my heart. Was i planning my heart ? =/. Well,.. i did not 'open the door'. i did not welcome ppl in. I kept myself closed, reserved ..safely protected. Making excuses, i must be very good at it by now.

i dunno how other ppl fall in love, but personally..i think, when we let ourselves fall in love or decided to be in a serious relationship with someone, it's because we have found the person and ready to accept the responsibility of sharing a part of our life with someone else. Not because we want 'pakwe'. Not because of ppl's perception or opinions. But..because we know that this is it. The person who, we hope to be with dunia and akhirat. Thinking it back, yeah..maybe, i do plan my heart, and was planning it all along.

..eheheh..suddenly barging in here and 'emotionally' talking about emotions issue. All because of a friend, who's currently in a love dilemma, seeking opinion and help from the most 'experienced' ppl in the world..me!!! (Ya-ha!). Well..hard to say,..this 'love junction' ( 'persimpangan cinta'..amacam ..okay tak translation ?)..would not have happened, if she really knows what she wanted in the first place. And stick to the decision made.

well.. rather than preaching to other ppl about heart matters and keep playing the role of a 'love professor' ( esp when im not even 'in the boat' yet)....perhaps, it's me who really should learn from all this. Slowly opening the door for that special someone to reside comfortably in my heart. And let myself enter his heart, sincerely and willingly too.... insyaAllah...

May Allah bless and guide the way..amiin...

the truth, please..

2006-03-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

i remembered when i was 6 -7 years old, during the fasting month of Ramadhan.Masa tu awal2 belajar puasa, jadi tahap letih dan 'longlai' tuh memanglah extreme. ( kdg2 sengaja buat2 extreme letih, untung2 ayah kesian bagi bukak puasa..ehheheh..=p ). We were spending the rest of Ramadhan at our hometown,RAntau Panjang, Kelantan (kampung mama). I was sitting in the kitchen,( dgn muka se'sepuluh' sen yg mungkin )..looking at my grandmother peeling mango for berbuka time. Recalling the thirst, hunger, tiredness...gazing longingly at the juicy-looking mango. ( lagi nak renung bende tuh dh tahu lapar..perangai2..)

Suddenly enter my Auntie, Cik MAh, my mom's youngest sister, jumping happily and went straight to the mango, taking a few slice into her mouth. And there i was, drooling with hunger, watched her unexpected act during fasting month with bewilderment.Spontaneously, i asked, ( more becos of tak puas hati, apsal Cik MAh boleh makan..?! )
" eehh..bakpo Cik MAh makan, tak posa ke..?" questioningly i looked at my grandmother, who smiled knowingly. Cik Mah, on the other hand, still munching mango.
.." DikMAh takpo, dia demam.." replied my grandmother.Demam?
And Cik Mah added.." demam berdarah!" before going off to take her bath, leaving me with a baffled expression. Demam berdarah..?

If only they had explain the truth to me, in easy term that is, about why she cannot puasa, i think i could have understand...rather than leaving me pondering over 'demam berdarah' on my own. Not that i blame them,..most of the ppl in the older generations are like that, they think some things should not be told to childrens or 'kanak2 bawah umur'. It's either they say.." budak2 tak boleh banyak tanyalah !.."..or they lie, telling make-up stories, avoiding to explain the actual reasons or causes. Putting myself back in the 6 yrs old girl shoes, i would want to know the real reason why CikMah was allowed to eat when the rest of us were salivating hungrily ( esp me!), because years later when i was 'big enough' to know the truth, i felt stupid for being lied to. Esp when i had believe the lie told to me in the first place.

Well.. we dont have to be too precise, by explaining in details about the 'blood-y' matter, ..at least no lies, or we could use simple words to tell how it happens to a curious child.( HEheh.. tetiba berangan jap)...if im the mother and my child asked me about that, i would have explain, because im her mother. The one she puts her full trust behind that wide, blinking eyes of hers looking innocently at me. The only person a child expect to guide and support her in the process of making ways in this world.

I dunno..i guess, the trends are changing. In todays 'world without boundaries', with various ways to gain access for information, and the childrens are becoming smarter and more knowledgeble,.. (thanks to Internet, TVs and some kids who make reading 'child's encyclopedia' as a hobby..)..the challenges are greater for us who live in the more senior generation. ( nope, dont want to use the word 'old'..=] ). I used to be quite worried about my youngest brother, scared that unnecessary 'ilmu' would be bombarded into his innocent, young mind. But now, ( after series of discussions and arguments with kakak and imah, who as usual, are the opposition team ..=p )..i finally accepted, that that's how the childrens are now, stuffs which were 'alien' to me 15 yrs ago when i was at their age, they gained the knowledge with a 'click' of a TV button.

heheh, teringat sekali tuh, years ago..i was washing dishes after 'buka puasa', and my youngest brother was standing next to the kitchen counter behind me, looking at sthg in the bowl...when suddenly he said,..
" kak, bende kat dalam mangkuk nih mcm telur manusia yg Adik baca dlm buku.." pointing at the thing in the mangkuk. Gulping, i turned to look at the thing. Now..how am i going to respond to this situation. The thing is 'sagu'. ( tahu tak rupa sagu yg dh direbus..? )
" apa dh nama dia kak..sperma ke apa ntah..?" Adik added, who obviously still thinking about it. ( Okay..now here's the moment Naz..answer brilliantly..please.)
"..ooh..adik baca dlm buku ehh...Bukan sperma dik, ovum yg rupa mcm tuh. Sperma lelaki rupa dia lain sikit, ada ekor kan..ingat tak gambar dlm buku.."
" ha'ah lah..betul2.." Adik nodded , with satisfaction. ( Fuuh.. )
" ..telur2 untuk persenyawaan manusia ..Adik baca dlm buku sains.." ( Ops. i thought he's over with the 'egg' issue ). But, i do remember too, feeling slightly proud of my little brother, for a boy age 8-9 yrs old, he really read the 'Encyclopedia for Children' series my mother bought him.( oohh..and gladly it's an ilmiah book as well )..

soo..to all future fathers and mothers...explain and spare our childrens the truth,..intelligently, i mean...

buzzing stories

2006-02-24T14:18:00.000-08:00

gossips can be troublesome smtmes..=/

rumours, gossips..stories that fled from mouth to mouth, be it from ppl around us to strangers...it might not affect u physically, but it can cause slight worriness. Thinking to urself,.." apalah org2 ni semua pikir ttg aku agaknye?". And there'll be some worried voices in ur head, thinking that this 'silly' stories going around might close ur doors of opportunity to some ppl. Ppl u dont mind being 'gossiped' to..ehhe.

i used to be sooo 'runsing' and 'risau' about these issues back during school years. Bimbang apa org fikir. Takut pandangan org... macam2lah...which smtmes made my life miserable and not-happy. Gossip kanak2 zaman sekolah pun nak kutip risau fikir..apa lah..

ive learnt..that the best way, is to ignore. buat 'dek' and muka 'takde perasaan'. Mulut manusia..macam tulah. I alwys believe, that 'it takes two to tango'..and..'to clap we need both hands'. As long as i know where i stand, what im doing and who i am, ..knowing the actual truth amidst the questions and evident-less news heard by ppl, i know ill be alright. And besides..'actions always speak louder than words'..

The least i could do is to correct the myth when it is presented to me upfront. I dont care about what other ppl think, as some of them mean nothing to me, some dont have tht much significance or importance to my life ..but to certain ppl, yes.. i do mind. Ppl whom i dont see as 'nothing'. Ppl i want to know better, and wish to be known better too. To this ppl, whatever it is..ask me directly, as i will answer.

the rest..suka hatilah nak pikir apa pun..

oh yeah..ehheh ( muka sheepish..)..im much better now, yeah..,the pressure and stressful environment wont subside until exams over..but then, not to write..? ermm, i think it'll make me more boiled up with depression inside. So..here i am..writing in here...=]

" what you are thunders so loudly that i cannot hear what u say to the contrary.." Ralph Waldo Emerson.

2006-02-22T13:15:00.000-08:00

life not good...=/.isks...

..never been this stressed out before. and when everything and everyone is rushing for their life, unconsciously, we become bitter, selfish, inconsiderate..in other word, we become a terrible person. We hurt ppl's feelings, we treat them like dirt.

i dont think ill be able to write as often as before in the next few weeks. So much thing on my mind, yet so little time. Had this sudden idea to start a new blog after exam's over...hmm

Please...pray for me yea..i really need all the prayers in the world. And im taking this opportunity too, to apologise for any wrong words, or any entries written which have hurt anyone. The tendency to talk and write without much thinking done,,...( sigh)..

so..all the best to everyone in whatever u do. Never give up hopes, and im still not giving up mine..!

to plan or not to plan

2006-02-20T09:14:00.000-08:00

when u dont have a plan for ur life, ur future..how u want it to be in the next 3 yrs time. Or where u want to be in 5 yrs time. Or who u want to see urself be in 10 yrs time.

i dont even have a plan for my tomorrow...=/. isks.

seriously...i dont. Huaaa...and i think that's the cause to much of my dilemma or indecisiveness, because i just dont know what i want, not sure of the path im taking since i have no definite destination in mind. NAzz..?!!!

I do have dreams. Many of it to be exact. But the difference between a 'dream' and a 'plan' is, when u plan for sthg, u work towards making it a reality, like u plan to buy a car by Sept this year. u will begin by saving money and learning to drive from now. But a dream, ermm...it's just like u are sitting dreamily on a couch, dreaming without doing anything to make that dream a reality. Gee..like that thing u dreamt about will fall on ur lap with that sight of u smiling stupidly dreaming nonsense...

where do i want to be in the next 3 yrs time? Who i want to be 5 yrs from now? What achievements, improvements, successes in my hands 10 yrs from now..? Ermm.. Like how many childrens will i have by tht time,..ehehhe => ..ermm..let see, 3 boys , 2 girls maybe.., or maybe more, or..maybe im already a specialist by tht time, or enthusiastically teaching in university, and then coming back home every evening and spend my time with husband and family,and every weekend we'll go ...
Erm,jap.. hold on there a sec. Naz...that's not planning, that's dreaming. Wake up and start planning!!!!!! =!

sheeshh...plan ur life. seriously...plan ur life.

maju,.Islam..maju

2006-02-19T00:20:00.000-08:00

.." islam itu mudah, lagi memudahkan.."

Aku ada seorg kenalan..( ermm, not really kenalan,xdelah kenal sgt pun..how to say it..kenalan lah..). This guy, the kind that pada aku, need some 'help'.. a help that has to come from himself. To go and seek the truth, utk jd org yg lebih berfikir..dan bukan ikut dan main terima je bulat2. Tapi, susah nak ckp dgn org, krn tak semua org sama, dikurniakan peluang utk belajar dan kefahaman. Faktor latarbelakang, taraf pendidikan, sosio-ekonomi..etc, environmental factor yg membentuk pemikiran dan personaliti seseorg. Keterbukaan kita dlm berfikir dan menimbangkan sesuatu perkara. Faham ke apa aku cuba cakap..?

"..Saya sentiasa berdoa pd Tuhan, agar jadikanlah saya ni org miskin dan tak berharta.."
"..Saya pergi sembahyang raya, semua org tengok saya. Sbb saya pakai baju koyak-rabak. Buat apa pakai lawa2, ..nanti mendatangkan rasa bangga diri dan riya' dlm hati.."
"...Nabi tak suka pakai warna terang2 ni..."
Astaghfirullah..inilah dia pemahaman yg silap, konsep yg salah..yg menjadikan Islam ni nampak mundur, 'bodoh dan lemah'..hina di mata org. Dan yg menyedihkan lagi, org yg berfahaman seperti ini, seorg pendakwah bebas yg menyebarkan fahaman yg tak betul ni kepada org2 yg baru berjinak2 nak faham agama. Lantas..kesan dan akibatnya...yg tak tahu terus tak tahu, yg salah fhm akan lebih keliru.

Masalahnya, bila manusia merasakan dia-lah yg betul dan benar, pandangan org lain salah. Cara hidup org 'kaya dan berharta' ni berdosa. Bila terlalu ramai org dabik dada mengaku ilmuwan ISlam, 'alim ulamak dalam hal2 agama...sehingga tak mahu ditegur dan buka hati dan minda sendiri.Bukankah Islam menganjurkan kita sentiasa memajukan diri dan terus menuntut ilmu. Bukan dh habis baca satu kitab, terus dakwa diri hebat. Aku tak boleh nak ckp bnyk dgn dia ni, sbb panas hati. Geram dgn sikap 'bodoh sombong', tapi dlm masa kesiankan dia jugak. Bila nak maju kalau berfikiran begitu.

Kerana fahaman2 yg silap seperti ini, Islam org tak hormat. Kerana org2 begini, yg lebih mengambil berat hal titik-bengik, dan bukannya isu2 yg lebih penting dan pokok seperti mencari jalan utk menjadi Islam yg lebih disegani..lahirlah golongan yg 'taksub' tak tentu hala, yg mana malangnya golongan2 begini yg lebih disuluh media. Dan akhirannya..Islam jugak yg diserong pandang.

Hidup di dunia seterbaik mungkin, kerana Tuhan tidak ciptakan kita dengan sia-sia. Kehidupan di dunia adalah untuk mencari bekalan ke akhirat. Tuhan tak larang hamba-Nya mencari harta,asalkan jalannya tidak salah dan rezeki yg dicari halal. Sekiranya kita dikurniakan Tuhan harta kemewahan, kita bersyukur dan kita gunakan untuk menjadi manusia yg lebih baik dan dapat membantu manusia lain dgn kelebihan yg kita ada. Sekiranya kita dilahirkan miskin dan susah, redha dan bersyukur jugak, krn msh ada org yg jauhh lebih susah dr kita, dan terus berusaha dgn kudrat yg ada utk majukan diri dan keluarga.( im telling this mostly to myself nih..)

Muslim yg lebih baik antara kamu, ialah yg dapat memberi kemudahan ( membantu ) manusia lain..- err,.. nanti aku check balik, x sure plak full sentence nye..lebih kurg mcm nilah maksud dia.

"...Kalau kita ni bukan orang yg kaya raya atau mewah, cukuplah kita hidup dengan tidak menyusahkan orang lain.." - ayah.

why so 'blue'..?

2006-02-14T19:10:00.000-08:00

feeling blue....hmm. dunno what's wrong with me, ..keep drifting to 'dreamland'...

it rained heavily today, with lightnings that woke me up from my afternoon sleep. A wake from God, as i haven't perform my Zohor prayers yet..And later, spend the entire evening with Harry Potter, laughing at the wits and enjoying the wonderful adventure of wizardry. ( Naz,naz..u still can 'goyang2' ur kaki mehh..? )

interview went well. Unexpectedly too easy and smooth i must say, as we were warned about the 'worst' cases and experiences, and we got ourselves prepared for this day mcmlah nak ambil exam. (a friend of mine siap gi beli buku 'Malaysia Kita'..now that's seriously serious..eheh). But, today..everything was totally different from what was told to us by the 'juru-taklimat' ( which i thought was really exaggerating this whole interview stuffs, ...what, trying to scare us agaknye..?). The interviewers were very kind ppl,( 'veteran' ppl who reminds me very much of my own father ) asking simple questions about ourselves, teased me playfully about my reluctance to be posted to sab & swak. ( ehhe..couldn't pretend my 'tak nak' expression,..maaflah DAtuk.. i had other plans in mind..;] ). Almost all the minutes spent listening to him giving me wise words, advising me to be a good human being, not to be arrogant and serve the nation as a good civilian. Basically, i was nodding like an obedient daughter throughout the interview session as he did most of the talking. But..alhamdulillah...whatever the result of this, i know it would be the best ., yeap, the odds are against me, looking at the slim chances for me to get my choices granted.

not that i despise 'sabah & swak' that much, not at all. Cuma, dlm kepala, mcm2 plan ada. Nak berada hampir dgn keluarga esp parents not due to 'manja-ness' or what, but more because i know that it would make them very happy, being surrounded with their anak2. And most importantly, that would be the only time i have, to really be their daughter. To be there for them, spend time together etc. Before the time comes,when ill be someone's wife and only Allah knows, where ill be starting my new life later. It's the cycle of life, im not complaining, knowing that's how life is ..it just that, as long as i can use the time i have, and the opportunity to make choices..ermm, ill try my best to do what i could.

and besides..=]... it's about time for me to really seriously thinking about my life. About ending this 'single-hood' life of mine and embark on a new journey. A new life. insyaAllah..

love talks 2

2006-02-12T02:12:00.000-08:00

A friend asked me to write a poem about love. Actually, he asked me to do it months ago, but I was unable to make it. Not because of time, but more because I just don’t know how. Where to start, what to tell. To write a poem, to make it meaningful that it can touch the hearts of those who read it, that what makes it difficult. To create something beautiful, that comes from the heart.

Some ppl worship love, see it as sthg sacred, invincibly strong that only death could tear it apart. ( im referring to love between man and woman here.) Cinta itu agung, kata Laila Majnun. CInta yang membuat Romeo kelihatan hero apabila mati kerana Juliet. Cinta yang sangat hingga wujud ungkapan seperti ‘lautan api sanggup kurenangi’. Kisah cinta yang melahirkan seloka berbunyi, ‘ Buang emak buang saudara, Kerana kasih hamba turutkan’. Hebatnya cinta kalau begitu.

But the more I understand life, I come to realise that love is just merely a feeling, that can come and go anytime. One can feel so deeply in love today, but the feeling becomes lesser, some might even vanished without trace when hatred and resentment started to fill in the space. Why? Why a feeling that was once so strong, so worshipped can slowly fade away? Because it’s only a feeling. Perasaan manusia yg tidak kekal, seperti tidak kekalnya manusia itu sendiri. Ive wrote before in the ‘deleted blog’ about ‘sifat kebolehubahan hati’. Knowing the nature of heart, in order to retain love, it needs hard work, it needs persistent reminder, it needs faith, trust, respect and responsibility. But most important it needs blessings from the Giver of love itself. Blessings from Allah.

Because HE is the provider, the creator, the owner of us. HE gives to whom He wishes, HE also can take it back. To get love, to keep love, raise our hands up and pray to Him, for HE surely listens and answers. Cinta itu anugerah Tuhan. Cinta tak wujud jika Dia tak izinkan. Jadi..untuk mengekalkan cinta agar kukuh sepanjang zaman, pada Dia kita minta dan pohonkan. Mungkin juga, cinta jadi goyah dan hina, kerana jalan untuk mendapatkan cinta itu sendiri tidak diredhai-Nya.

I really like a phrase from one of M Nasir’s songs. Listen and understand its meaning, then perhaps we can appreciate and understand love better. “ ..mari mawar ku , raikan cinta, tanpa cinta - NYA kita tiada. Mawar cinta mawar ku abadi, cinta Pemilik segala jadi..” – RAIKAN CINTA.

Love is a wonderful feeling, and I believe it’s a human desire to love and be loved back in return. Because we are created in pairs, we can never really be able to live normal being alone in this world. So…ppl, every day, every moments..our whole life, let’s be grateful to have ppl who love us and we love them back. Thank you Alllah, for this gift of love….let’s celebrate love!!!

* FALSAFAH CINTA* - Slam
( another song written by M Nasir, he’s a real music-sifu..=])

Bila hadir kasih sayang
Tanda cinta sudah berakar
Terkadang pudar hidupku
Terkadang semangat gelora

Rasa cinta kepada keindahan
Yang ada yang peka pada kejadian
Berdiri di atas kehendak keamanan
Kedamaian

Cinta menciptakan rindu
Juga membuat kita sendu
Semangat terbakar hangus
Hidup mesti terus

Kerana cinta dunia pun berperang
Itu cinta sesat di perjalanan
Demi cinta kita terlupa dunia
Kesesatan…

Marilah kita bersama terus bercinta
Menjadi cermin untuk manusia
Hentikan tangisan rindukan ketenangan
Cinta ini penuh keindahan
Kasih dan sayang….

the tittle? ,,dunno-lah,

2006-02-08T17:49:00.001-08:00

Know why ‘surprises’ can make us so happy that smtmes tears welled between smiles ? Because it is unexpected. We don’t expect it coming, and suddenly ‘the surprised thing’ is handed before our eyes, and we went…speechless. Unable to say a word due to shocked, happiness and touched. The feeling of joy is different because we don’t expect to get it, like a hidden gift from God, it falls straight into our lap. .

It’s different when we know that we will get the thing or when we asked for it. The feeling of happiness is there alright, but…different. How to say it…hmm…like opening the door one morning and found a small parcel hanging at the doorknob. It’s not ur birthday, or anniversary, or any special occasion which u know u’ll be getting sthg today and silently anticipating a gift coming urself ( eventhough we usually modestly voiced out “ tak pyhlah, buat susah2 je..”, but secretly , we actually do hope for sthg. Because it’s our birthday, or a special day of ours..hehe), but that small gift hanging at the doorknob able to create extreme happiness. Beyond words. Because it is unexpected.

And it hurts when u expected sthg, and it didn’t happen. Or when ur colleagues at workplace keep flattering u by saying that the post of asst manager is ‘confirmed’ in ur hand due to..blabla..( words of praises that make u beamed proudly like tomato ), and suddenly ur boss gave it to someone else. It hurts even more, like hurt-plus-embarrased-plus-upset, but u have to keep a happy face and smiling along, congratulating the new ‘asst manager’. Not because u are angry that u didn’t get the post, or mad at the new ‘asst manager’ or whatever, but because u already kind of thinking that u’ll get it, because of the expectations blabbed to ur ears by ppl around u.

Like what ‘Cinta’ felt, in a scene from ‘Ada Apa Dengan CInta’, when she was the one expected to bagged the prize in the poetry competition. Her name was chanted by the crowds, she was already happily and shyly smiling and enjoying the cheers, and then, ‘Rangga’ name was announced as the winner. (Fuuh..i really understand the feeling now). At that moment, u don’t know whether u are sad because u didn’t win, or angry to the ppl who‘ve been flattering u with expectations of winning and making u kind of hope to win, or embarrassed because u was the one ppl said would win and yet u lose. Do u get my point? Nevermind…

What Im trying to say is that, don’t flatter me by praises or words of expectations like ill be the one bringing back the prize or ill be the one crowned as the beauty queen or ill be the one chosen as the best singer etc2. And keep teasing playfully to my ears statements like." Eleh, ull win punya, .” or "okay2..siap sedia nak gi ambil hadiah..” .I don’t know, their intentions is harmless, but it gives the pressure, and the embarrasment and the frustration boiling in me when I didn’t get or win all those things they said ill do. And if they think I like being praised and hearing them ‘flattering’ me like that, no, I don’t. I don’t like it one bit. I hated it. It makes me too hopeful, overly confident, happily anticipating and expecting to win. And when I didn’t, I hate the feeling I would feel after it.

let life be the way it is, unexpected...like it better tht way.

aku, kau berbeza

2006-02-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

antara perkara yg kita tak berupaya untuk kawal, atau perlakukan agar mengikut kehendak kita ialah perwatakan atau personaliti manusia lain. Ayat yg aku selalu sebut.." lain orang, lain lah kan..". Sekali-sekala akan tercabar kesabaran, akan berlaku terasa hati, tersinggung, dan kdg2 mungkin menyebabkan terdetik dlm hati, yg kita lebih baik dari dia..( which sgtlah tak baik utk fikir mcm ni kann..).Walau mcmana kita nak jaga hati kita, perasaan kita..kdg2 ter'jejas' jugak..kerana kita pun manusia.

once, mama pernah ckp.." jgn cepat nak mengatakan org2 yg masam muka, bengis dan kasar, sebagai tak baik, atau merasakan kita ni lebih baik dr mereka. Mungkin mereka pun tak nak begitu. Mungkin mereka pun nak tersenyum jugak, nak jugak ramah bertegur sapa dgn org lain, tapi karekter mereka yg kasar dan dingin menjadikan mereka tidak begitu mudah dirapati. Perangai adlh sesuatu yg sukar nak diubah dlm sehari dua, ..". Setiap kali aku berhadapan dgn org2 begini, aku akan teringat kata2 mama ni, jadi aku takkan terasa hati atau bersangka buruk dgn dia. Kadang2 aku akan fikir, sebenarnya org ni nak senyum kat aku, nak buat baik pd aku, tapi cuma dh mmg perangai dia macam tu..jd , biar jelah..It will make me feel better after that.

Cuma yg buat aku sedikit 'takut', adalah dengan sikap manusia yang lahiriahnya rapat dan baik dengan kita, tapi punya hati yg tidak baik. Aku ingat selama ini hanya dlm drama2 dan novel2 je wujud manusia mcm ni, rupanya sekeliling kita pun ada yg 'luar jernih dlm keruh'. Sedaya upaya kita nak pikir baik ttg dia, nak bersangka baik, tapi..hmm,... apa yg kita boleh buat ialah elakkan dan jauhkan diri dr org mcm ni. Sbb takkan selamat dan takkan bahagia. Manusia yg berdengki, hati penuh iri dan tak puas hati melihat kelebihan atau kejayaan manusia lain..pada aku, org2 begini bahaya dibuat kawan. Bisa 'makan' kita dlm diam.

Dan sepanjang usia aku, ( yg takdelah tua sgt lagi nih..ehhe, ), drpd pengalaman bergaul dan melihat manusia2 lain, sikit2 aku belajar. Dan aku bersyukur sentiasa ada ahli keluarga di sekeliling yg 'guard' aku dr manusia2 dan keadaan yg 'mencurigakan'. Aku sudah belajar, tak semua org yg dabik dada mengaku kawan, adalah 'sebenar kawan'. Aku perlahan2 mengerti, tak semua manusia dalam dunia punya niat baik, tak semua orang kita boleh letakkan kepercayaan dan dunia tak seindah dan se'selamat' yang kita harapkan. Kebaikan yang kita kongsikan dengan manusia lain, tak semestinya mereka memulangkan dalam bentuk yg serupa, kerana manusia berbeza, hati perut kita tak sama. Apa yg kita boleh buat,ialah terus berbuat kebaikan, dan dalam masa yang sama percaya Tuhan sentiasa melindungi dan melimpahkan kita dengan perkara2 baik juga.

How did i get to here..? tulah akibatnya kalau mcm2 yg difikirkan.

hmm..kemahiran 'membaca' niat di sebalik wajah luaran orang nilah yang aku belum mahir, nasib baik ada org2 mahir sekeliling aku yg akan peringatkan..
"... jangan kak, danger!.."

Percaya kepada gut instinct.

perfect match

2006-02-06T10:30:00.000-08:00

Where did I get this tittle ? From listening to Mix Fm ‘Perfect Match’. The times when Shazz and Richard will be questioning a couple, to know how well they know one another. First,they would ask the wife, and later asked the husband the same question, to see whether they both give the same answer.Heheh..quite fun. And I would be perching next to the radio waiting to hear the husband’s answer, will it be the same line as his wife..? Hah. Perfect match, indeed. But smtmes, the guys would give a totally different answer from his spouse, that would make his wife screeched in the receiver ( because then they would not get the prize awarded for those who answered all correct ). But what to expect from guys ehh.., they can be plain insensitive about living ppl around them smtmes, …eheh. ( but that what makes a man, a man..;].. )

Perfect match. Sounds too good to be true, except in movies, where ‘soulmates’ exist. ( Yikes..i sound like a cynic who don’t believe in love ) . I do feel happiness blossoming in me, watching happy couples who look just perfect together. Completing one another. ( yeah2..another cliché , mushy romantic sentence taken from ‘Jerry Maguire’ ). Especially old couples, when the streaks of beauty has faded with years, and the strong masculine build were replaced with old, sagging body. But the love remains. The relationship is still there, strong as ever.

Amazing ehh, these old ppl. During the old days, when there were no self-help books, no marriage counseling. No kursus kahwin. No luxury or wealth to go ‘honey-mooning’ to Venice or Paris. And no romantic dialogues learnt from movies. Yet their marriage last a lifetime. Compared to us nowadays who are pampered with all the love tips, yet the love itself crumbled halfway. Declaring to the world what a perfect match we are, and end up hating one another. What is missing there ? Or haven’t we found our ‘perfect match’?

I used to believe that perfect match means we found our soulmates, our so-called ‘the one’. Heh..but after several sessions of brainwashing, i finally come to my senses, that believing in such things is dangerous. It makes us hold to fantasies beliefs and just waiting in despair for ‘the one’ to finally pop-up in front of us. That’s not how life or love works. If u want it, be it and create it. Work for it. Hope all u can, dream all u want, but u have to work and not just sitting around waiting for the ‘soulmate’ to be granted to us.( tau..naz.!!! )

Maybe ‘soulmates’ or perfect match really do exist after all, but it comes after years of staying together, going through hardships and life turbulences, sharing happy moments and laughters, had rows of arguments and crying buckets of tears, and really know one another inside out. And it doesn’t happen overnight, it takes quite a period of time for someone to finally realise that this person next to him/her is their ‘soulmates’. Their perfect match. The one that completes the ‘missing puzzle’ in them. Hmm..

I remember once I was sitting in my parent’s room, watching tv when my father walked in to change his clothes ( just got back from work ). Suddenly he asked me..
“ sapa lipat kain pelekat ayah nih ?” his eyes pointing to his ‘kain pelekat’ neatly folded and hung on the racks.
“ kak lipatkan td. 'Bakpo nyo' ( kenapa nya ) ?” I asked, wondering to myself as I looked at the ‘kain pelekat’, ‘buruk sgt ke aku lipat ?’..eheh.
“ oohh..takde, sebab nampak lain, jadi ayah tahulah bukan mama yg lipat. ..” As he said this, he walked out from the room. Leaving me still looking at the ‘kain pelekat’, comparing it to the one folded by my mom hung next to it which looked not much different from the one i did. Silently amazed at the fact that my father could notice that.Wow.

Hmm..looks like my parents are ‘the perfect match’ too..=]

balik asrama semua..!

2006-02-02T08:10:00.000-08:00

hari 'balik asrama'. Like usual, the same, chaotic situation in my house ..

"..ehh..mana stokin Bie?..sapa curi stokin Bie?!..err, ni stokin BIe ke..? "
"..Arrggh..malasnya nak balik sekolah..!!"
"...Weihh..cepatlah kemas barang2 tuh masuk beg, ..nak pergi lepas Zuhur nih, takut lewat nanti.."
"....berkubangnya kat sini..ni brg sapa nih?..jgn sepah2 nanti bercampur dgn barang org lain.."
"Sapa punya turn gosok baju..?!"

Dialog sama sejak dulu, dari zaman aku, kakak dan Imah..hinggalah ke time adik2 sekarang nih. Situasi yg sama. Eheh..just sekarang aku jd pemerhati je, lucu tgk gelagat adik2 berkemas balik sekolah. Time aku dulu lagi teruk, ..eheh. Dan ayat yg sama akan keluar dr mulut ayah, "...ha..sapa nak pergi dulu nih..?". Dan semua dh mcm faham2 sendiri, yg jauh akan pergi dulu, in our case, org yg bersekolah di Neg Sembilan. Yg syok org yg belajar kat SMAKL, pukul 5 baru bertolak. Dan ayah, dari anak yg sulung hingga bungsu, semua dia yg hantar balik asrama, tak kiralah kat Seremban ke, Hulu Langat ke, Kajang ke, KL ke. Dari kereta Ford LAser buruk ( yg seusia dgn aku tuh..=]) hinggalah ke kereta sekarang, bnyk benar jasa kereta2 tu kat kitorg...Aku ingat Imah pernah tnya ayah.., masa tu dia IB di Kolej MAra BAnting..
Imah : "..ayah..biarlah imah balik sendiri..susahlah ayah jauh2 nak drive. Imah reti balik sendiri.."
Ayah :"..tak payahla,..ayah boleh ambil hantar. Masa kamu semua masih bawah ayah nilah, ayah boleh nak mengambil menghantar. Esok2 dah jadi hak orang, dah ade suami..ayah dah tak boleh nak ambil dh.."
Terus Imah diam.

Mama pun tak kurg ligatnya. Dr pagi dh bergegas untuk siap2kan makan awal, sbb kena bertolak awal. Nak pastikan semua brg2 anak2nya ada. Yg penting, bekalan makanan, yg kdg2 aku terfikir, apa mama ingat anak2 dia kebulur kat asrama kot, punyalah bnyk mcm nak buat bekal utk batallion askar...ehehe. Setiap kali nak balik asrama, mama akan minta semua buat list brg2 yg diperlukan utk dia pergi beli. ,. .common request, 'ubat gigi', 'sabun', kadang2 'cermin muka'. ( ini satu hal lagi, adik2 aku ni punya list, ..isshh...mcm2 )

dan bila semua dh balik, tinggallah mama dan ayah, serta anak2 yg dh habis sekolah. Dari gelak ketawa riuh2 suasana dalam rumah semasa semua berkumpul, jadi sgt senyap dan hening. Sunyi je. iSkk...

Sebenarnya..im missing my adik2 yg baru balik asrama smlm..tu yg 'sentimental' semacam je nih..hAihh...

beauty vs material..( sigh..)

2006-01-23T13:14:00.000-08:00

( this entry was suppsed to be posted earlier, when the issue was 'burning' hot,now...heheh., dh 'suam-suam kuku' dh...but still, baca jelah..=])

Topic yg hangat mcm ‘goreng pisang panas’ in the Sunday paper. I followed with a mixture of feelings. Interested, amused, disbelief , plus a little bit exasperated, considering the discussion which is leading nowhere. Why? Because the debate is about the nature of man and woman. So..basically, no matter how many times ppl grumble about men being like this, or women acting like that..they are just being themselves! =P

Not to say im defending men or women. And I don’t say that I agree with all the points stated, that all women are materialistic, and entire men on earth are beautylistik ( err..ada ke perkataan nih..? =/). But realistically speaking, no matter how we pretend to deny the fact, bite our tongue and play deaf, it’s true. Why..? ill tell u why. Before tht, may i switch to Malay? I think I will be able to write better in it.

Kerana nafsu yg melahirkan kehendak2 kepada kecantikan dan kemewahan. Dan kecenderungan nafsu yg berbeza atr lelaki dan prpmn. Yg dpt mengelakkan manusia drpd menjadi “—listik”, tak kirala apa2 ‘-listik’ pun, ialah akal dan iman agar kita waras dan tidak dipandu oleh tuntutan2 nafsu yg takde kesudahannya ni. Semua manusia nak hidup senang dan mewah, tipu kalau org kata dia tak berhajat nak hidup senang krn atr sifat manusia yg diciptakan Tuhan ialah berkecenderungan terhadap kebendaan dan keindahan.

Cuma silap bila ia berlebihan dan keterlaluan. Dan menyedari sifat manusia ini, Islam ajar manusia agar berusaha, berdoa, dan bertawakal, ‘zuhud’, redha dan percaya kpd qadak dan qadar, baru manusia tidak tenggelam dengan kehendak ‘nak cantik dan nak kaya’ ni. Usaha jika hendakkan sesuatu, dlm masa yg sama berdoa dan minta pd Tuhan, dan redha serta bersyukur dgn apa yg diberi.

Jadi, tak salah perempuan atau lelaki memilih material atau rupa selagi ia tidak keterlaluan. Sedang Islam juga melandaskan syarat pemilihan psgn kepada 4 perkara;harta,keturunan, rupa dan agama. CUma jgnlah itu menjadi sasaran dan matlamat utama. Itu shj.

Seperkara lagi, lelaki dok bising ckp perempuan pilih material, yg hang dok lengut pemalas tak berusaha tuh, memanglah sampai ke tua membujang. Perlu difikir jugak resam masyarakat kita nih, women once they are married, drpd kebergantungan kpd ibu ayahnya dia beralih kepada suaminya, meanings that suami yg akan jadi pelindung, ketua dan penyara keluarga. Tempat seorg isteri merasa selamat, emosi dan luaran. Bukan sekadar nak kenyang dgn bercinta je. Woman needs to feel that they can depend on this guy, able to converse their mind and heart out, and this needs the ‘ke'sekufu'an’ or ‘compatibility’ in sense of thinking, living and future planning. Kalau org perempuannya berfikir zaman 2000, tapi yg lelakinya zaman 1950an ..where’s the compatibility there..? Fuuh..some talk from a single girll..ehhehe.( I really should write back to that paper..).

In short, (after a long rambling).. guys, berusaha utk majukan diri and stop pointing fingers to women accusing them of being ‘materialistik’. Trust me, that’s not what really important to a woman. Harta benda boleh dicari bersama and personally, I prefer it that way as I think tht ‘pencarian bersama’ nih will make a marriage more sweet and strong as everything were started from scratch and learnt together from zero. But the attitude towards life, that’s what matters. And that what differ one man to another. A positive, down-to-earth guy who works hard to make a living, plus possess some leadership qualities and strong faith in religion ( for me this is important, I want him to be my ‘imam’ sembahyang’..=]).. it's lucky for any woman to found a man like this.

Another thing a guy should realise is that, women nowadays are getting smarter and more independent. If u still think that women are still the one who follow meekly behind u, nodding to ur every words and letting men order us around, please book a ticket and go back to the dark ages. U don’t seem to be suitable living in the today’s world where women and guys are raising higher and faster each day. And..did I mention ‘together’ ? Yes, together.

But women, once we are married, it's important to bear in mind tht a wife is forever the wife, with duties and obligations to obey husband, respect and be loyal to him. Work all the way, be outspoken and all, but back at home, leave the briefcase aside and shut all office's woes. We are mothers and wives, that's our main roles in life. Never forget that fact..(shessh.. karang tak cium bau syurga nanti derhaka dgn laki..=] )

Heheh..did I go overboard ? Sorry ya, if my words hurt anyone, didn’t intend to. Next time ,ill hit the women plak..okeh? deal,.

For Muslim to ponder

2006-01-22T21:59:00.000-08:00

Ermm. Before I start, I must say im no expert in this, and I welcome feedbacks, and comments, or corrections if there’s any points here which are wrong. It just tht, I feel it’s important to share what I know and stand corrected if what I said here is not right.

I don’t know whether u readers notice it or not, that there are some scenes especially in Malay dramas which I think can affect indirectly our akidah. Not to the extreme that’ll make one to be murtad, but it’s not good to have this kind of belief. Example, if a glass suddenly slipped off from hand and shatters on the floor, or someone accidentally had a needleprick when sewing, or cutting ones finger in the kitchen or things like tht, it indicates ‘petanda buruk’/bad omen that someone will die or sthg bad will happen after tht. Everytime a scene like this appeared on tv, and im watching with my father, he would sigh for the zillionth times saying "... org Melayu nih, bnyk khurafat betullah..”.

Another example is when someone died, it’s like a compulsory question for the reporters in Malaysia to ask the family members “ ada apa2 perangai atau kelakuan pelik si mati sebelum hari kematiannya..?” Why would a question like tht be asked in the first place..and then,all sorts of weird and funny answers will come up. “ dia nampak lebih manja dgn saya dan taknak berenggang dgn saya” or “ arwah kelihatan murung 2-3 hari sblm hari matinya..”. Then, if anyone who looked sad or acting differently, like if before he never kisses his mother and suddenly he kissed, meanings that he’s gonna die soon ? OR what if before he never wakes up early to catch his Subuh, and when one day he finally did, does it mean he's about to kiss goodbye ? OR if before he never likes the colour red, and suddenly he likes it and wear a red shirt, does it indicate a bad omen..?

No..please dont think this way and don’t even ask the questions above. It’ll make ppl believe that’s it’s true, when the actual fact is that we don’t know, and will never know how or when death gonna come knocking on our door. Aren’t death are Allah’s secret, kept hidden from our knowing so we will alwys be prepared and not to have constant worriness that’ll cause us living in misery. What I mean by constant worrying is that, if we know we are going to die hit by a car on a certain date, are we ever able to breathe normal? No, our life will be like living hell. That’s among the hikmah of us not knowing, other than Allah wants us to berusaha in life, because we don’t know what’ll happen to us tomorrow. So, work to make a good tomorrow. IF we know, that we will be married in a certain year, surely, knowing human’s nature, we will only be sitting lazily waiting for tht day to come. What’s the point of waking up in the morning if we already know what to happen.. ?That’s the beauty of Islam, some things are not for us to find out by prying our nose asking questions like tht.

I remembered back in school ( haha ..opening up girls’ secret..), there was this one time when we huddled in the study room and start inspecting our hands, looking at the details of each lines, and make predictions. All sorts of silly predictions, like ‘pangkal nama bakal suami’ or ‘umur berapa akan kahwin’ or ntahapa2 lah lagi. And then we laughed and compared our ‘findings’ with one another. (yeah2..beneficial activities in the study room ). When my father found out, he forbade me to ever indulge in such things again.
“ alah..ayah, main2 je, bukannya kak percaya pun…heheh," (sheepishly hiding my embarassment for being ‘gatal’ to predict my husband’s pangkal nama when I was suppossed to be studying )
“ Tak boleh kak, yg awalnya nak main2 dan suka2 tu lah, dibimbangkan akan buat kita terpercaya. Ni lebih kurang menilik nasib lah namanya..syirik tahu tak menilik nasib nih..”
Gulp. Syirik? Astaghfirullah…minta dijauhkan Tuhan.

Recaling that moments now, my father had a point. Yeah, mulut boleh kata main2, tapi dek kelemahan iman kita dgn cocok2 jarum syaitan lagi, memang mudah nak terpercaya dgn bende2 mcm ni. Kita minta dipelihara drpd bende2 kecil di sekitar kita yg sebenarnya salah di sisi agama, lebih merisaukan sekiranya ia melibatkan sampai dosa syirik, wal’ia zubillah.

So..the point is, don’t pry in things like mentioned above or which have any similarities to it. Don’t go trying to assume or make predictions about things in the future which is not in our ability to find out. Ajal maut, rezeki, jodoh adalah ilmu dan rahsia Tuhan, apa yg kita manusia boleh buat ialah berdoa dan berusaha, itu sahaja, di samping berbaik sangka bahawa Tuhan sentiasa memberikan yg terbaik utk kita.

Maksud Surah Luqman, ayat 34 :
" Sesungguhnya Allah, hanya pada sisi-Nya sajalah pengetahuan tentang hari kiamat, dan Dia-lah yang menurunkan hujan, dan mengetahui apa yg ada dalam rahim. Dan tiada seorang pun yang dapat mengetahui ( dgn pasti ) apa yg akan dilakukannya esok. Dan tiada seorang pun yang dapat mengetahui di bumi manakah dia akan mati. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui lagi Maha Mengenal.."

just talk...

2006-01-10T20:39:00.000-08:00

Do I look like a teacher in some way.. ? It's the second time i got a request from unknown ppl, to teach them about sthg. I don’t mind, and frankly, quite honoured to be asked upon, esp when it’s from strangers. It makes me feel that my presence in this world is slightly larger than I thought =]. That im able to provide sthg , to ppl around the world..wahh, now im making it sound like im some kind of Nobel Prize winner. And speaking about Nobel , hehe, I remembered when I was a kid, I used to think that the Nobel Prize is awarded to authors or writers who write ‘novel’, and kept getting puzzled why ppl spelled it wrongly when it’s supposed to be ‘v’ instead of ‘b’. Talk about thinking about thing I knew nothing about. Sheesh..and last time too, I thought Godzilla is about a beautiful person, ( because the name ‘Godzilla’ is quite exotic, like ‘Cleopatra-sort-of-name’ ) and later was aghast when found out that it is actually a relative of Gorilla or King-Kong species. Yikes. *After nearly 8 yrs believing that Godzilla is in the hierarchy of 'KingKong', a hamba Allah corrected me again, No...people, it's not. How about checking up the actual definition of it urself..? Something to do with lizard.(ehhe..scared i might get it wrong again..! =0)

Okay, enuff of that. Someone asked me "... kak naz, boleh bagi tau petua supaya lancar bercakap semasa berucap ..” =/..hmm, petua..( rs mcm org tua pulak..).. I guess, this fella must have seen the rapid movements of my mouth, babbling away somewhere. Yeah2..i can be quite talkative smtmes.(err, most of the times)..i dunno whether this guy actual intention is to ‘main-main’, or he really wants to know, but…let just give him the benefit of the doubt, and share what I know.

Hmm..how to say it, im not a good speaker myself, still learning a lot ..and i dont intend to be 'Miss Knowledgable-about things' and start lecturing ppl on how to talk. Some ppl say, it's in the gene, like ppl who are born with talents to sing and perform beautifully, compared to some other who has to really work hard to achieve that ability. But the truth is, no matter how we acquire a certain skill, as long as we manage to prove to ourselves that we are able to do it, that's what important. Not to impress ppl, but to make ourselves proud and say.." yes,..im able to do this, and will do it the best that i can..".

as for me, i never regard myself as 'born with talents in talking' ( like that is sthg we want to be proud of ..ehhe). But i know that since kid, im the girl who enjoys talking and getting attention from it. I remembered when i was 9-10 yrs old, i would applied my mom's lipstick, ( thickly , to be exact..), smudging it messily on my lips and sit in front of the mirror. Then, i would talk, mimicking the anchor woman reporting news on television, or the lady hosting a talk show. I would talk, and talk all the way..pretending that im all grown up and talking on television about serious matters. There was this one time, when i was 'talking' to the mirror about a topic,( i just picked out any topic )...and my cousin was watching from bed. When im done, she said.. "hey..boleh tahanlah kak, ralit manihah dengar..." Wow, it really lifted my spirit up, even when the comment was from my 4 years old cousin..ehhe.

And when i was in school, i had the opportunity being exposed to more 'talking session'. I took part in public speaking, which later opened the door to debate and forum competition. And all these chances, were the thing that forced me to practise talking, willingly or unwillingly. Had to memorised texts of speeches and rehearsed the points many times till i can remember where the fullstops and commas are . And i would practise talking in front of the mirror, to see my facial expressions and body gestures as i talk. Apart from that, i had to read a lot, esp newspapers, when i was among the debate team members and i think it kinds of help to enrich my vocabularies . Another common habit i had before, was to read aloud, especially English articles. I would read aloud, along with appropriate intonations. I dont know why i did that, i just did. And still do it smtmes.

Now, being an adult and matured, i still 'talk' to the mirror. Not pretending to be an anchor woman anymore, but to practise for my oral presentations. It might appears as weird to other ppl, but it's my way to prepare myself before presenting in front of ppl. And it works for me, it gives me the practise i need, the chance to see from the audience's eyes and it helps build the confidence.

In short, ( after a long story-telling time ), what i can say to this guy, and to anyone interested to know is..practise talking and speaking. Just practise to talk, how u do it, it's up to u. I dont know about God-given talent or man-made talent,for me, i just want to do my best. The confidence to speak in public can be learnt and built from time to time through frequent-doing and exposure, and where to get the exposure is by speaking up in classes and offering to be the presenter when there's a group presentation. The problem ive seen in some ppl is their mentality and sikap 'nak kerja senang' which limits them from using their potential to the maximum. They use excuses to avoid speaking in front by shoving the job to ppl they identify as the 'speaker' or 'the one who can talk'. The result of it, only that person will get the experience and become better speaker, while the rest will forever remain quiet like mice. Reading a lot also one of the ways to help us become better speakers, as the words and ideas are alwys flowing in our mind.

Genetic inheritance..?Hmm..dunno, might play a role, but should not be used as reason why one can't talk fluently by saying " none of my ancestors are good speakers ". I remembered reading an interview with Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamed. He said he was once a very shy and quiet boy, but he worked hard to overcome his shyness because he had to, and now become one of the respected speakers in the world. Beat the fear and outlive our potential..sure we can,..=]

But the peak of all, is the feeling of satisfaction looking at the faces of ppl in front of u, listening to ur talk. Seeing them nodding their heads several times, agreeing with ur points. Noting their serious expressions like they are really hanging to every words spoken, not to mention the rows of applause u get at the of end ur speech. By that time, u know that u did it.

Scared, trembling hands, anxieties and nervousnes, heart that thumps so fast and loud it practically burst out from ur chest..all these are normal symptoms, especially if it's our first time or beginners. But trust me, once u started talking and getting hold of the ppl's attention, u will feel in control and relaxed. I think all speakers, no matter how many speeches they had give, will still slightly feel nervous, they just know how to fake it or overcome it, that's all.

so..just talk. Pretend that we are good speakers who are full of confidence, and capture the listeners. Nevermind the mistakes, small steps eventually will become big steps, so...keep talking..! =D

an interesting piece

2006-01-08T11:49:00.000-08:00

"...i never seek to defeat the man i am fighting. I seek to defeat his confidence. A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on the course to victory. Two men are equals - true equals - only when they both have equal confidence.."

- Admiral Yamamoto Isoroku, taken from the novel 'Memoirs of a Geisha'

looking back to yesteryears

2006-01-07T22:36:00.000-08:00

Went to accompany ayah and mama working in our 'new kampung' last week , well..precisely speaking, i didnt help anything..heheh, since it was raining like cats and dogs outside. ( but, ayah, abe and adik didn't waste a moment to work in the garden and 'main hujan'..boys!). So i decided to wander around the house. In one of the room, i found my old box, my big box which contains the stories of my 5-6 years in SMAPL and KMM. It's been a long time since i last poke my head and scramble through the stuffs in it..so..it can be said that my excitement to be reunited with old memories was quite overwhelming ...=]

As i opened the box, berhabuk and all.., i found all my teenagers memories. There's this small paper bag crammed with letters. All sorts of letters, cards, short messages/notes, words...my God..didnt i throw anything away ? I opened some of the letters and was halfly-touched, half-ly amused reading through it. There were letters from 'kakak angkat'..;], from my 'monitor-and-junitor', from pen-pals and friends, some who only existed for a very short time in my life, yet i still have their letters. Including letters and notes from some 'SA's..ehhe ( fond and funny memories ms sekolah..). Some of the papers were already old and yellowish, some nearly 'hancur' and have to be opened gently, or else ill damage it.

Also safely kept are the gifts and presents from friends.I dont know why i never use those things...hmm. There are photo frames, music boxes, a clock+frame, the cute organiser ( still with me ; ]), and also the silver necklace from my monitor. I remembered when i received the necklace, i was quite shocked getting such an exquisite piece of jewellery when i only gave him a shirt =/. Because we were still young and in school, i didnt expect to get that kind of gift, plus dunno when to wear it.. so,..perhaps that was among the reason i kept it in the box for so long. But thanks,..really.. for all these precious things, it keeps the memory of the person who gave it in me. Each things has its own story, and i really cherish and treasured all of it dearly.

Terus menyelongkar khazanah dlm kotak. Found my old diary and journals, autographs (books where friends will write in it, at the end of schooling years. i have 3-4 of it..).Again ,i floated into old memories. As i flipped through it, i was choking back tears as emotions started to rise reading the lines written in the autographs. I opened and read thru some scribbled writings of mine in the diaries, and the images of the scenes came flashing vividly in my eyes. Some were stabbingly painful, some were hilariously funny, some were indescribably sweet. How childish we were at that age, thinking that that was the biggest problem in the world we'll ever encounter. The hidden feelings, the excitement and happiness,the confusion, the sadness,the longing and loneliness..the hopes and dreams. Captions of events which at that time were important to be written down, 'carved' in papers so we will never forget it.( which seem quite lame reading it back now..ehhe ). The need to share the story with someone, but it had to be kept secret..so I pour it out in diaries or journals.

Some revelations were made in autographs, perhaps thinking that it'll be their last chance to say what they want. Some took the opportunity to voice their opinions about the owner of the book, saying out things which are not able to be spoken upfront. Some of the words written makes me think, " so..that's how they see me, who i was in their eyes before.." Was i really like that, was i that kind of a person..? And..am i still like that..?

I have to admit, amidst the good life and reputation, im not proud of some of the things happenned back then, where i was the main role in it.( no..dont think too far, i did nothing of all that sort aa..). Words said can't be retrieved, actions taken are undone. Some ppl's feelings were hurt, and i hate thinking that i did that to them intentionally or unintentionally. And to make it worse, one of them is no longer here for me to beg forgiveness. Some of them are no where to be found, scattered around the world, for me to say 'im sorry'. I was just a childish, unsure, scared and confused girl..who tried my best to liven up the expectations of myself, parents, and school. Holding certain post in the school board made it even harder for me to do whatever i want or entertain my needs. Ive concealed the 'teenage' side in me, putting a hard, emotionless face as i walk, pretending not to care when i did, and brushing away any blossoming feelings in me. Heh..boy..did i look 'sombong' then, i guess i was..

Well..ive talked too much. If there's anyone here who was hurt before, by my words or actions..i apologise. If i could turn back time and do it once more, in a more appropriate and better way, i will do it. Unfortunately we can't. I just hope that ppl understand and would see it as an act of an immatured girl, who was still very much unaware of many things about life. Ive learnt from experiences and mistakes, still learning to live, and trying to better myself from day to day. Pray for me..and insyaAllah, ill be praying for all of us too..

it's easy to be judgmental towards other ppl rite...even the people we dont even know.( im telling this to myself mostly..)

sesuai...?

2006-01-04T22:02:00.000-08:00

Lama menilik...ermmm.. =/

Kalau Loreal,..bagus jugak, well-known product ni, convincing sikit berbanding jenama yg entah dr pocok mana tak pernah dgr..Hydrafresh, extra moisture..tapi, mahal lah plak… =/

Ke..Ponds atau Olay..? Both are popular beauty product, better price and more affordable compared to Loreal,..but ..Ponds ni, tak begitu menarik hatilah.. Olay ni pernah guna, tak smpi sebulan..naik allergic reaction…, bad experience, so out…

Ke yg ni..? Murah sikit..Ishh..tapi, kot murah sgt ntah2 tak brp bagus. Rupa produk pun ‘sengkek’ je, brg mahal lebih kualiti kot..and terkenal. Yakin sikit hasilnya...ehhe..
Ke yg tu..? Made in UK. Wahh …‘Simple’..tapi catchy. Tapi tak pernah iklan kat TV pun, ...boleh caya ke nih..? Non-allergenic,..ini, kat semua botol produk lain pun ade tulih…eleh…

-Isskk…yg pentingnya, sesuai ke tak dgn aku..?? Karang beli mahal2, guna sekali, dua..terus naik gatal jerawat, habis2 terperuk tak terguna..
-Alaahh, beli jelah, yg mana2 pun, kalau tak sesuai karang, beli yg lain..apa susah.
-Amboi...sedap berckp, beli bukan pakai daun, pakai duit. Muka plak tu yg jadi taruhan... alang2 memilih berjam2, biar menang memakai.
-Susah2 sgt takyahlah pakai apa2, basuh muka dgn air paip, bersih jugak.
-Ishh..mestilah nak pakai sthg, nama pun perempuan.
-Dah tu..?

Okay…enuff of storytelling. An event that occurred some times ago, in Watson, Times Square. Thinking about the analogy of the scenario.

So...how to know whether ‘kesesuaian’ tu wujud ke tidak…? No other way, than to try it. Any way, aren’t life is about finding out the meaning of sthg. Give it a try. U never know what u might be missing. Sesuai atau tidak..it’s up to u to find out. And if tak sesuai, takpelah..at least u dh ade experience with it..for future references. But if sesuai..wahh..aren’t u lucky , thinking that u are just about to let go a one in a million gift, getting and holding sthg that is hard to find..sthg that 'suits' u perfectly.

Get what Im trying to say…?..( no, im not promoting a facial product,..=/. )

kursus kahwin

2006-01-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

Went to ‘kursus kahwin’ at Plaza Warisan, near Puduraya last two weeks. It’s kursus kahwin, alright…, but no wedding bells ringing yet, still single, yes I am. Saja pergi. My mom was practically shooing me to go when I told her im going there ( ehhe ). The thing that attracted me to go, was because we went in groups of 20++ ppl. Going with that crowd of friends make kursus kahwin seems more fun to my eyes, besides the fact that my friend bribed me by saying that starting nextyear onwards the ‘kursus’ going to be tougher and harder to pass, and also we get student price, who knows nextyear it’ll be more expensive, and the certificate last a lifetime ..and bla2. So, I went.

But, a few days before the day, a friend wavered my decision by saying ,".. aren’t kursus kahwin supposed to be special, the kind of thing couples do together, in the spirit of getting married and preparing their next life as husband -wife. What if ur ‘bakal suami’ haven’t yet attend this kursus, nanti dia kena gi sorg2 esok..”. Hmm..betul jugak tuh, kesian pulak nanti kat dia. Let just hope my future husband has already attended the kursus ok.

And, alhamdulillah.That’s how I conclude it. I didn’t regret going and quite glad that I decided to go along. I learnt many things i never knew, and didn’t bother to know before. Some speakers got very ‘into detail’, perhaps thinking that all participants are ‘bakal suami/isteri’. Some of them even wished ‘selamat pengantin baru’ at the end of their talk, causing me and other single-ton friend of mine glancing amusedly at one another. One of the speakers blurted out my singlehood news by pointing at me and asked ( of all ppl in that room, why did he has to pick me..?) “saudari dh bertunang?”. Erk.Gulp. Emm.“ belum”. I could feel eyes started to focus on me, and the penceramah ‘trying to make me feel better’ by saying ".. ahh....barangkali saudari ini nak menambah ilmu dia, baguslah.”. Yeah..thanks.

Actually, the whole thing is ‘majlis ilmu agama’. Recalling some of the basic stuffs we learn in school, and mostly forgotten by now. We were taught how to be good husbands and wife according to Islam teaching, what are the 'hak dan tanggungjawab' expected and other stuffs, like communication in marriage, how to handle conflicts, etc. It was all 'talks and lectures', can be quite a bore if the penceramah speaks monotonously, with no jokes and laughs between lines...hhehe.

Ohh..and there this one guy,(a MALAY guy, let me stress on that) which nearly 'kill' us all with his idiotic act. ( im sorry for the harsh words used, can't think of better way to describe him.). He was hooting out silly answers from the back of class all the time, interrupting the lecturers impolitely, plus the guffawing ..urrghh, he is such a pathetic attention-seeker ! At one point he was really over the line, rudely shouting answers and disturbing the lecturer in front that made me turned sharply to shot dirty look at him, i was seething in anger. I couldnt believe that there would be a guy at his age, who came for kursus kahwin ..but act like 'org tak pernah sekolah'. He was embarrasing himself, he embarrased the Malays, and most of all, he didnt seem to care about his fiancee/ makwe feeling who was there in the room. If im in her place, keluar aje dari pintu kursus, 'kensel'!! What was he trying to prove anyway..his stupidity..?! Well, he succeeded in doing that, that's for sure. Sorry for this sudden out-burst..im just so angry!!! Please, to everyone..dont do that, dont be like that. It will only make u look downright stupid and uncivilised. And u are representing ur race, ur agama..have some pride and dignity-lah.. =(

fuuh...better stop now, or ill be boiling all over again. Anyway..apart from having a 'disturbing fly' in our class, the kursus was all over wonderful. And one thing i would like to share with everyone, ..( ehhe, since dh tahu kan, jd rs nak cerita skettlah). Emm..one of the penceramah asked.." apa tujuan kamu semua nak berkahwin.?" which was greeted with murmurs of answers from the participants.
"Fitrah manusia ..ustaz" =].
"Sebab nak anak.. ustaz, nak sambung zuriat.." =).
"sebab kita sayang dialah.. ustaz.." ;>

The ustaz smiled ,..shook his head and said.." Kerana nak mendapatkan 'mawaddah wa rahmah',..yg dapat kita perolehi dlm perkahwinan..". Janji Allah, dalam surah ar-Ruum, ayat 21, i think ive written down this piece of ayat in one of my entries..look up for urself ,ok...

Yang menjadikan perkahwinan itu syurga dunia.' Mawaddah wa Rahmah'..hmm..

last hours in 2005

2005-12-31T21:13:00.000-08:00

salaam everybody...=]

wow..can't believe it's almost two weeks since my last entry.( knowing my unrestrainable desire to write..). Lots of things happenned within that time, and insyaAllah, some of it will be shared with all of you here. Still with me..? =]

it's 4 hours towards the new year of 2006. Hmm..2006, we are approaching another year,.. saying that, it occurs to me, where were all the days gone, what have i accomplished this year..? It just felt like yesterday, when i was sitting here, writing about new resolutions, hopes and dreams for 2005, and here we are, at the end of it. The clock must be ticking faster than ever...recalling a saying i read somewhere, " life is like toilet paper, the nearer it gets to its end, the faster it rolls..".

Remember i wrote in here some times ago about '100 things i want to do before 2005 ends'..? Heheh..let just say, it was not very successful, i didnt even manage to list out the 100 things, more else having done it all. One of my friends said,.." it's because u are so busy thinking of 'big' things that u want to do, rather than looking and realising the 'small' things that u could do and achieve...". Guess she got a point there. Hmm..so, how about a new list for 2006 ehh naz..?

next year ( which will be here in a few hours)..i will be older, and hopefully wiser,,(it reminds me of a 'cliche' statement 'a year older, a year wiser', where do that comes from..?). Ill be 24 years old in March, and insyaAllah..will begin my working life probably in August or Sept ( pray for me fellas..!). Entah masih hidup atau tidak masa tu. Entah masih dikurnia peluang dan diberi kesempatan. Semoga kita semua dipanjangkan usia dlm keberkatan, dilimpahkan kemurahan rezeki, diberi kesihatan yg baik, kita menjadi anak, kakak, abang, kawan, ibu, bapa, suami, isteri...yg lebih baik. Menjadi manusia dan hamba Tuhan yg lebih baik...aminn.

okaylah..more will come, just finding the proper time to sit down and write. So..till then ,everyone..wishing all of you..HAPPY NEW YEAR..!!! May this coming new year will bring along lots of love, happiness, success..and world peace.Welcome 2006..~!!!

me..the self-declared hairstylist..=D !

2005-12-19T22:15:00.000-08:00

one thing about me, i can never say no when someone approached and asked " ..ehh, naz reti potong rambut takk.? tolong potongkan..".Without hesitation, ill eagerly jump to the rescue, nodding aggreably offering my help. Ehhe...even when the actual truth is, im not that 'good' in cutting-hair skill, more else 'styling'. But..i like it, yupp..i really like it. =D. And given the opportunity to do sthg i find pleasure in doing, heh..ill definitely say yes.

First realised my 'hidden talent'..( huhu..another self-admission, =p.. okla..not a gifted-talent..but a talent-in-the-making..how abt tht..?) when i was in Form 3. Stressed out due to the coming PMR, plus debate-prefect stuffs, having long hair seems to add the burden. So..decided to give myself a hair-cut. It was done beautifully by my mom, but the ever 'creative' me, was not satisfied with the outcome of it..and made some adjustment in the bathroom, cutting more hair which results with a 'remarkable' macam-kena-gigit-tikus hairstyle. But i couldnt complain, because it was my fault, and had to bear with the short haircut for the next several months. But..instead of getting negative remarks from ppl, my new look was complimented, causing me to beam in pride, secretly hiding the fact that it was actually a mistake.( heheh). And that's how it starts, my new passion in cutting hair..( now, let see, where do i get that gene from..? hmm)

Smtmes, i even offered to friends/families to cut their hair, but unfortunately were mostly turned down. Also had few experiences of bad attempt in cutting ppl's hair.There was this one time when i cut my sisters hair ( all three of them..smugly saying ). Accidentaly traumatising a small bit of Imah's neck..( sorry..!) , and unintentionally ruined Yah's and Bie's hair..(..sorry again! ). I made both of them look kinda like 'temenggung jugah anak barieng',and we howled in laughter looking at the final result. I guiltily said"..it doesnt look too bad,.." and "..hair grows real fast, u know ", and "..nvmd, we wear tudung, no one will notices.."..trying my best to patch the damage done. And later at night got a disapproving look and comment from ayah.(" sapa potong rambut nih..?", both of them shot accusing eyes at me,..opsie..!) . And i wonder why ppl turn down my sincere offer to cut their hair.

But..it never dampen my enthusiasm and enjoyment in cutting and hairstyling. i cut my own hair.( seriously..) whenever i feel like wanting a different look. New haircut alwys give a livelier, fresher sense in me. And yesterday, after a long time away from scissors, a friend of mine asked my help to cut her hair. Finally..!

" potong pendek tau naz, panas lah rambut nih!"
" nak pendek mcmana nih..? "
" sependek mungkin !" ( wahh..enthrusting her 'hair' destiny in my hand..this was more than i had expected ).I rubbed my hands jubilantly, ready with equipments and snip..sip..snip.. i went. Seriously into my work, tossing her head from left to right,while she kept covering her ears, scared tht i might cut them off as well. ( hey.. im not tht clumsy-lah ok..). She held the mirror in front, letting me the total freedom to cut her hair. And another friend of us, decided to join the fun and thrill of the moment, offered to take photos of us covered with sweat and hair all over the place.( biasalah,,final yr,sikit2 nk ambil gambar..ehhe).

" mcmana? ehh,jap2, sebelah ni tak sama...". Snip.snip.
" Ehh..yg ni tak sama jugak..jap2.." Another snip. snip.
" Wahh...smart-lah..nampak muda nih.. eh..sikit lagi katsini..." Go another snip.

Ta-da. We stared at her new reflection in the mirror, totally different from her previous one. Expectantly waiting for her reaction to it, i peered to look at her expression from behind. Hair were all over my clothes. And face.
"..ermm., amacam...?..ok ke?"..
"..err..pendek sgt ehh..?" ( she rubbed her bare neck that was covered with hair half-and hour ago.
"..kata nak pendek, .naz buat lah pendek..amacam ok ke? .."
"..eheheh..rasa pelik plak..tapi okaylah..."
"..tapi,,naz rs *** nampak lagi cutelah mcm ni..betul nih" (giving my most encouraging look).
"..eheh.yelah tuh!..okaylah nih.."

and later that night, as we sat together eating cakes ( sedap betuk kek coklat pasar mlm jln Tar, yg moist kek tuh..i forgot my diet instantly ), i couldnt help but felt slightly happy and impressed. She indeed look different, younger and more vibrant-looking. Even happier, when another friend of us said.." wahh..nampak smartlah rambut baru **** nih.." She shyly beamed, secretly revealing her feeling abt her new look. Hehehe...me?! i was bursting with glee inside...

well..well..who's my next 'victim'..? =D

making decision

2005-12-14T23:43:00.000-08:00

Gone were the days when the only decision made was whether to buy ‘pau kaya’ or a bowl of mihun sup, both cost 60 cents, the amount of money in hand. Pausing outside the canteen back during CBN years, taking some time considering it " pau kaya ke mihun sup ?”..( back at that time, I was really torn between that two ..).hmm..

And gone too..days and years when all important decision regarding life, like which school to go, what books to buy, which place to head..are made by parents. Even clothes, shoes…name it, , when I think about it, did I ever make any important decision before ? ( apart of buying pau or mihun sup..).Seems like none. Because of a lack in skill of making decision, making one now, is hard and tough.

Stepping into adulthood, among the ‘freedom’ gained is the ability to make our own decision. Parents are always gonna be parents, the one who will worry about us, their ‘child’ (we will alwys be a child in their eyes..no matter how big or tall we grow..ehhe ), their little girl who once held their hand tightly when crossing the street, the child who sleeps soundly as they fondly ‘tepuk’ our butt or sing lullaby for us. Scared and worried..that their precious child might get hurt, injured or scarred once they let go their hands. We can never really understand a parent’s mind, until the day we become one. That’s what my mother alwys told me.

But now, as we are all grown up and holding the title ‘adult’, and there’s this big thing in front of us that we have to make decision fast, silently u found urself wishing to shrink back being a kid, with no worries of making the wrong decision. When the decision involves ppl’s life, and people around are looking expectantly at u, depending on ur word to start taking action ( example in the emergency room, when there’s a man struggling for life and all the nurses are waiting for ur decision and instruction, with no time for panic or hesitation.).Just thinking of all that makes me shudder..

And realizing that more big, important decision are waiting in front. When we have to make decision about life and future. And there’ll be no more hiding behind parents or depending on other ppl to make them for u. When it will be entirely up to us to choose and take the unknown risk of our decision. Hmmm..who ever says life is easy..

“..ayah ibarat pegang lampu suluh dan tolong suluhkan jalan, kerana ayah lebih dulu hidup, dan telah melalui jalan ini. Samada anak nak ikut jalan yg disuluh, atau memilih jalan lain, itu terpulang…kerana ayah hanya tolong suluhkan jalan..”- ayah.

January is getting nearer, and up until now, I have no decision yet. That’s the consequence of not having enough decision-making skill. Feels like all the words that ive said to ppl, ( when I was the ‘smart’ one helping other ppl to decide ), is ‘mocking’ at me. Iskk..where do I want be posted later?..huaaaa..make up ur mind, it’s not long to January,..

Of course, I would like to work in Kl, or Selangor, it’s my place, where I grew up, where my parents live, and where im most comfortable at. But life is not always on ur side....and news around stated that there’s no vacancy for First Year Dental Officer (FYDO) in KL. Great. And my parents, as usual being parents are not very keen with the idea of me working too far in south or north, not to mention Sabah or Swak, they’ll certainly freak out at the idea of me ‘bersampan’ to work.

Well, that left me with options like Melaka, Negeri Sembilan, Pahang, or Perak. My uncle suggested Kelantan, since it’s my hometown, ( biasalah , org tua, kalau boleh nak ada sedara-mara dekat2, boleh tolong tgk2kan..eheheh, ‘sweet’ lah org2 tua nih..)..but, the ‘young and adventurous’ side in me hope for sthg else. Been thinking of starting afresh at somewhere unfamiliar. Where im unrecognizable, and independently on my own. Perhaps , an experience being to Perlis for a week, kinda opened my eyes a bit, of so many things I haven’t yet see, or do.

What about Trengganu…? Never really thought about that option. Hmm..Terengganu or Kelantan..well, ill keep that in mind...

And readers..pray for me ya..life has been quite a mess the last few days..im really running out of time now...=/

tired..but..

2005-12-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

kepenatan..

sehari menghadap elektif projek. Memang kena hadap sungguh dh sekarang ni.Interesting topic ..'Dyslexia Symptoms;Coordination of left and right among dental student'. Hmm..who would have guess dyslexia has anything to do with dentistry..

Alhamdulillah, Adik ditawarkan masuk SMAP Kajang. ..eheh, another generation of SMAP in the family. Deep down, i felt really relieved hearing the news, knowing that another adik of mine is going to enter sekolah agama. Pengalaman dan ilmu yg pernah aku terima 5 thn di sekolah Smap dulu, harapnya adik2 aku dpt lebih lagi. HEh..tetiba rindu sgt pulak kat sekolah tu, ..bila aku nak pergi jenguk sekolah ya. Rasa sgt happy bila Bie cakap Ust JEfridin ,Ustzh Nuri masih ingat kat aku..eheh...insyaAllah, pjg umur ada masa, aku pergi nanti...

mata dh mengantuk. Need to go. till later ya...

mencari BAIK

2005-12-05T21:27:00.000-08:00

Selama ni, aku fikir aku dh cukup baik. Baik . Hmmph..berfikir begitu aje cukup untuk menjadikan aku tak baik…

‘Baik’ ..sesuatu yg tak punya parameter nak diukur banyak atau sikitnya. Cakap mudah, dikatakan baik kalau tak buat jahat. Lantas, tak buat jahat yg bagaimana..? tak minum arak? tak bunuh atau rogol orang ? tak pernah langgar peraturan.?

Dikira baik ke.., kalau muka manis senyum di luar, tapi di belakang mencemuh mengata. Dianggap baik ke..., kalau melayan seseorg dgn mesra dan hormat kerana dia berkepentingan untuk kita, tapi buat pandang tak pandang pada orang lain yg tak dapat beri apa-apa keuntungan. Dinilai baik ke...., tangan yg memberi dgn harapan dibalas, tangan yg menerima gembira tapi dalam hati menggerutu benci. Baik ke begitu…

Mungkin ‘baik’ adalah apabila manusia dan segala di sekeliling dilayan dengan ‘hati’. Apabila mata sentiasa mencari dan melihat kebaikan pada diri orang lain. Apabila kita membuat orang biasa rasa istimewa, disayangi dan dihormati, bukan kerana siapa dia, atau atas sebab apa yg kita dapat perolehi daripada dia. Hanya kerana dia manusia seperti kita. Kerana nilai kemanusiaan yg ada.

Apabila kita tak rasa apa yg kita buat tu ‘baik’, tapi kerana itu yg sepatutnya dibuat. Tak rasa nak tunjuk pada orang atau mengharapkan ada mata yg memerhati perlakuan ‘baik’ kita. Barangkali..begitu baru ‘baik’.

Bukan senang kan,… nak mempunyai hati yg baik. Kerana segala tutur kata, tindak-tanduk dan perbuatan adalah hasil cerminan hati. Seketul daging dalam diri manusia, yg jika baik daging itu, baiklah semuanya.

“ when you carry out acts of kindness, you get a wonderful feeling inside. It is as though something inside your body responds and says, ‘ yes, this is how I ought to feel’..”- Harold Kushner.

'biarkan bunga berkembang'

2005-12-04T20:52:00.000-08:00

Tengah duduk2 dlm bilik sambil dengar Sinar.fm..( im alwys into oldies songs....=] ), dan tetiba terdengar lagu ni, 'Biarkan Bunga Berkembang' by Broery Marantika. Dan mcm ada satu perasaan yg sgt familiar , mengingatkan aku pada waktu kali pertama mendengar lagu ni.

Masa tu aku Darjah 2 Orkid, di SRK CBN, KL. Tengah 'berhingus' lagi,..dan pada usia 8 tahun tu, dalam fikiran hanya tahu pergi sekolah, main , dapat keputusan yg baik, dan balik rumah. Antara pelajaran yg menarik dan senang, ialah muzik. Masa Drjh 2, belum belajar pegang recorder, cuma belajar menyanyi je. Dan exam muzik lah yg paling mudah, hafal lagu yg diajar, dan nyanyikan dgn gaya dan penuh perasaan dpn cikgu muzik, yg akan tersenyum dan cakap ayat yg sama pd semua pelajar.." very good! ".Lagu2 nya? Hehe..aku rs seluruh kanak2 di Malaysia ni belajar lagu yg sama. Masih ingat lagu2 ni...' Tiga sekawan'..'Burung tiung'. Lagu paling popular ialah 'Ais Kacang'..sheesh..gaya ms nyanyi pun aku ingat lagi. Nak aku tunjuk..? .." bila cuaca panas terasa dahaga, singgah di gerai ais kacang diminta, susu dan jagung, kacang dan lengkong, air gula berwarna..."..

Satu hari ,seorg cikgu pelatih dtg yg mengajar kami muzik untuk beberapa minggu . Seorg cikgu berbangsa Cina, berambut lurus ke bahu. Dia sentiasa membawa gitar dia bersama setiap kali masuk kelas untuk mengajar. Dan kdg2 aku curi2 petik tali gitar dia,..heheh, 'jakunis' la katakan. She would sit on a chair dan kitorg akan duduk bersila di hadapan dia. Cara dia mengajar berbeza dr cikgu muzik lama, mungkin sbb dia generasi baru. Dia perkenalkan not2 muzik..wpun agak boring jugaklah bg kanak2 yg lebih prefer menyanyi sambil membuat gaya2 mengikut cerita lagu berbanding belajar klef trebel, C major, F minor etc.. yg membosankan bg aku pd masa itu. But..her short presence left behind a small memory in my mind. Memory of a song.

I remembered oneday, as she sat on her chair, her long hair swayed behind her shoulder. She taught us this song, ' Biarkan bunga berkembang'. As she sang, i dunno whether it was my imagination , but there was a sheer of happiness on her face, as if the song has a special meaning to her. I never knew that this is actually an old song, originally by 'Broery Marantika'. I only remember it as her song, the one she sang happily in front of me. And weirdly enough,the song kinda stick to my mind. Until now.

So..here's the song... come, sing along with me...

" Biarkan bunga berkembang,
di atas tangkainya,
janganlah diusik sayang,
nanti kan merana..

Bunga berkembang di dalam hati
tak mungkin lagi aku menghindari
kasih dan sayang telah bersemi
diriku seakan bermimpi...

sengaja aku nyanyikan
lagu yang syahdu
selalu aku kenangkan
wajahmu yang ayu..."

- broery marantika ' biarkan bunga berkembang'

wonders of children

2005-12-03T22:29:00.000-08:00

Children is an example of perfection. Why ? because u can never go wrong with them. Every act, every gesture..there just seem to be no ‘ugliness’..only purity and innocence. Emm..well, in majority of them. Some kids can be really out of control and menacing…

Tadi sesi paeds. One thing that makes paeds session different from other clinics, ialah ..'bising dan riuh’. With laughter.. ( though very rarely..) and tears, screams and shouts..running here and there..that smtmes makes me eyeing them in worriness, as they are playing around dental units which contain handpieces and sharp instruments, that might accidentally cause injury to them. But..children, after a few… “jgn adik,..jgn main dekat situ, bahaya !”, I turned away for split of seconds, and they are back in action.

Heh…cute they may be, but need a huge amount of patience and ‘smiling-through-gritted-teeth’ as we are struggling to keep them still on the dental chair. One thing we are taught regarding treating children is that, they have short attention span. So..whatever it is that we need to do, make it fast during their ‘obedient’ minutes . After 45 mins, they will start to move around restlessly, keep moving their head, playfully closing their mouth when our hands are still working furiously in it. This is usually in the 3-6 years old, which make it even harder for you to be mad at them. Their parents will be sitting nearby, and each time their child refuse to stay still or starting to act naughty, the fathers would open their eyes wide, which most of the time manage to keep them quiet again.

Some are very talkative and full of curiousity, ‘petah’ kata org Melayu. Some say it’s a sign that the child is bright. The first few questions are entertained willingly, but as they start to bombard us endlessly with never-ending questions like..“ Apa tu.. ?” or “ kenapa buat ni, untuk apa ni.?”, esp when we have fillings to do in their mouth and we can’t do it if they are still happily chattering away, we began to lose our patience and motherly way. No wonder…mothers are the most patient human being in the entire world. They have enough practise while bringing their kids up.

Some are very well-behaved. Too good for a kid, I think..( as I was not like that before..hehe..). Some are terrible, seriously. It’s whether they refuse to open their mouth, or when they finally did, they are howling, along with tears streaming their cheeks., esp when it’s extraction. Some are overly hyperactive, like my partner’s patient today, a 6 year-old girl. One minute we left her, we found her standing on the dental chair, with her 3-year old brother running around the place. I glanced at her mother, who could only watch, too tired to chase her two ‘not-listening’ child. I looked at my partner, who was shaking her head, using her last strand of patience and energy to control the situation. But, most of the kids ive seen so far, are quiet and timid, sitting passively on the chair. When asked, they would shyly grin, and look at their mothers. They barely speak a word, too scared maybe.

But..no matter how naughty, how timid or active, they are children. Wonderful children. After treatment, we would give them stickers, and they would perk up at the sight of it. Smtmes, we blow air into a glove and make balloons out of it, and they would be very happy and excited. Hmmm..kids…the way they look at you, with that huge eyes, ull melt like ice. Toddlers..especially..hmm..

Agaknya,….brp tahun kena penjara kalau culik ‘patient cute’ td..? Cute sgt…terbyg2 pulak muka dia..( sigh)..

kaya harta kaya jiwa

2005-12-02T18:59:00.000-08:00

Antara petikan wawancara bersama Tan Seri Syed Mokhtar Al- Bukhary, Mingguan Malaysia, 17 Oktober 2004 ..

"..ketika Allah memberikan kemewahan, kita kena turun bawah tengok mana-mana yang boleh dibantu. Allah beri rezeki melalui kita untuk kita tolong orang lain.."

" ..kesenangan daripada Allah datang dengan tanggungjawab..."

"..saya buat apa yg tergerak dalam hati dan apa yg tercapai oleh tangan. Saya insaf bahawa diri saya ini tak kekal. Saya hanya seorang hamba Allah yg kalau ditakdirkan hidup hingga 70 thn, umur saya hanya tinggal 17 thn shj..."

" ..beri sedikit masa kepada apa yg hendak diusahakan.."

"..kena fokus, majukan diri dan selalu meningkatkan kemahiran.."

“..saya gembira dapat membantu. Kalau saya boleh membeli seekor lembu untuk sebuah kampung yang sudah lama tak makan daging, saya rasa gembira. Saya rasa seronok dapat bawa anak2 dr luar datang ke Kuala Lumpur, tengok lampu-lampu cantik. Saya tahu bagaimana perasaannya. Saya mahu org lain merasai apa yg saya pernah rasa. Saya kata pada diri saya, apa yg saya dapat saya mesti beri org lain merasainya sama. Jgn beri kurang daripada itu, lebih tak mengapa. Itu yg buat hati saya seronok..”

"..saya asal dari tak ada apa2. Apa yang saya tak tahu saya belajar, minta tolong daripada orang. Saya tak malu. Saya bukannya mencuri. Saya usaha sendiri. Sikap pemalas & pemalu ini yg orang Melayu kena atasi..”

"..mereka mungkin tak nampak ini sebagai satu kewajipan, kerana mereka tak melalui kesusahan.."

" saya suka nikmat sedikit yg saya dapat itu orang lain boleh berkongsi sama. Emak saya mengajar; kalau dapat lebih beri lebih, dapat kurang, beri kurang.."

appreciating small thing

2005-11-27T22:58:00.000-08:00

never really realise the importance of jaw, or acknolewdge its existence..till now.

Had a minor oral surgery done on me last thursday, to remove my partially erupted lower wisdom tooth. Its not functioning, and was angulated in such a way that makes it unable to erupt fully in to arch. It impinges to the adjacent tooth, creating food impaction area..causing more problems. Not wanting to deal with it any further,i finally decided to have it removed, get it over once and for all. And because of its abnormal position, it cant be extracted through the usual extraction, need to be taken out by a procedure called 'minor oral surgery'..( rsnya pernah cerita psl ni sblm ni kan..). Meanings that it involves some incision to the part of the gum, to create an opening, section the tooth, might need some removal of bone ..and take the tooth out, and lastly, suture the gum back. It was not as bad as it sounds..

It just that the post-op experiences which are more dreadful. The complications that i must and currently are facing. The swelling up of the left jaw, the inability to open my mouth big enough to eat (more else talk), the pain and redness due to some inflammation..all signs and symptoms that are expected after the procedure. Got 2 days MC, bought loads of ice packs, stuffed it in my friend's fridge..and my activity for the past 2-3 days was putting the ice packs over the inflammed jaw...to reduce the swelling. How bad is the swelling..? hmm..how to say it..it looks as if a ping-pong ball is constantly inside my mouth, specifically situated at the left jaw, bulging out creating an asymmetrical size of the both jaws. Yup..quite like it.

the feeling of unattractiveness is one thing (hate to admit this, but yeah..), but the feeling of not being able to talk normally, not to mention laugh..was more depressing. I stayed in my room, with ice packs glued mostly to my cheek, lying on the bed, reading or watching cds. Dreading the thought of going out or walking around, as ppl are taking double looks at me. Yeah..i know, ..it looks weird alright, and funny too, in a way..but,..please dont stare. Some symphatetic ppl even offered some 'petua' to help reduce the 'bengkak', which i accepted gratefully, but not brave enuff to do so..( hey..muka nih, tak kena gaya petua, lain plak jdnya..heheh). But..thanks. Friends helped a lot, trying to cheer me up by saying words like.." takdelah bengkak sgt..ok je,.." or.." cute apa, bengkak sebelah muka, Lebih cute kalau bengkak dua2 belah..terus jd 'cherubism'..haha".Gee, thanks. My biggest problem was to hold back my laughter when some jokes are made ,..knowing my weakness, i stayed away from any laughter-causing medium, be it jokes or comedies. That's among the reason of me not going home to spend the weekend, as all my dear siblings are masters in making me doubling over with laughter.

But..it makes me realise and appreciate my jaw. ( ..how many of us here ever terlintas utk be grateful that we have perfectly normal jaw..?). As i think about it, yes..i never really think about my jaw, more else to be grateful or care about it. Until now...until im unable to open my mouth big enough to insert a spoon, not able to chew normally, not able to laugh or smile easily.( and prettily..=/). When right at this moment, i am salivating hungrily over burgers and nasi goreng kampung, but unable to eat until the wound is compeletely healed. When my left jaw is bigger than its right..and then i realised, how wonderfully , perfectly fine and functioning my jaws are, not to mention it's main purpose in creating our face features, plus holding all our teeth. Thank you Allah..for creating our jaws !

So..ppl..wish me well ya..=]. And let us be grateful for all things, ..whatever things..in our hands, in our life. It might be small, insignificant or unimportant to us now, but lose it, or when it's unable to function normally ..then only we'll realise that we can't live without it, and began desperately praying for it.

oklah..actually, im on my way to buy more ice packs, saw the internet room lights on, and here i am, knocking on the keyboard. ( tak peduli dh mata2 org yg memandang my dear swelled jaw nih..ehhe. anyway..it's much better now..). Dan sgt lapar..sbb makan pun terkial2 je..iskks..sabarlah skett, org lain yg permanently deformed lebih ramai kat dunia nih, dan lebih hebat ujian dia dr aku ...

oklah..tata..=]

p/s : biasa tak dgr org kata.." tak ada 5 sen tu, tak cukup seringgit ! .." .Hehe...bukan apa, sbb sesetgh org nih, buat nampak tak nampak je dgn duit 5 sen, mentang2lah 5 sen je nilainya ehh, nak buat telefon tak boleh, nak masuk vendor machine air pun tak boleh..dahlah saiznya kecik je. Tapi ada nilai tau..kerana takde 5 sen, tak cukup seringgit!

a 'cinderella' story

2005-11-23T15:28:00.000-08:00

What a week. And what a day.

Talk about experiencing how Cinderella feels when the ‘glass slipper’ slipped off. Unfortunately, it was not a glass slipper, nor a prince charming who happens to caught it and bring it back to me, galloping on a horse. Huh..and must it happened twice? On the same day..arrghh…

It was my new sandal. Correction, not really new, but I seldom wear it. Why? Because it is high heeled, and i have problems with high heels because I walk fast. Terribly fast, especially when im at clinic that smtmes I just pass through ppl, like wind ( and not the breezy-type of wind). You are supposed to ‘glide’ when u are wearing heels, (a word I got from ‘ Miss Congeniality’ )..not rushing here and there. And ‘gliding’ is a skill I haven’t yet master.

But still, Im a woman. And realizing my woman-ity, who are born to love and wear heels, I have to practise. Practise wearing heels. So, there I was, wobbly balancing myself, carefully taking each steps, keep chanting in my head that I look like a princess. Yeah..some princess I was.

It was yesterday, as I went to class wearing my precious tiny sandals. After some horrendous attempt, finally im quite able to walk gingerly in it( but not yet able to ‘glide’). But who would have expect, after I can walk successfully without tripping or tumbling, it ‘embarrased’ me. As I climbed the stairs, one of it slipped off, causing me to walk bare-footed for a few seconds. And a few steps. I quickly turned, and ..oh.My.God...i came face-to-face with a Chinese boy who was standing right behind me, witnessing the whole event, grinning amusedly at me. And to make matters worse, we know each other, as we are under the same faculty. I managed to return the smile, sheepishly to be exact, and panickingly fumbling to turn the ‘stupid’ sandal, which lying lifelessly backward at that time. Ohh…

And not like that was enough. Later during the day, it happened again. At the same stairs. ( what is wrong with that tangga, is there a curse or sthg..=/). But now, it occured in front of my group of friends, who burst out laughing. Great. A perfect way to end the day. But, as I think about it now...yeah, it was quite hilarious.

So..looks like that sandals are going back in the shelves. Yup..need more practise , I know. Perhaps, have to remind myself to slow down a bit when I walk in it, as it sure don’t look good when u are wearing delicate sandals and walking like u are on marathon. Nahh..not good at all.

Hehe..it reminds me of a scenario that occurred 8 years ago, when I was in form 4 ..ke form 3....
Me : ( walking fast across the ‘dataran perhimpunan’, baru abis kelas )
B : oit…naz, tunggulah..lajunya jalan….( trying to catch up with me )
Me : (glaring at him )..suka hati orglah..( the commonest answer during teenage years..)
B :..amboii..engko jalan laju mcm ni, nanti tertinggal pengantin lelaki ..
Me: ( smiling, slightly amused at his statement..“ sapa suruh pengantin lelaki jalan lambat!” .. ;] )

a missed wedding..

2005-11-18T21:51:00.000-08:00

i never do this before.., but suddenly, im thinking of doing sthg different ( ermm, since tak pergi wedding mrk walau dijemput dgn baik sekali,..bolehh ke..? =]) ..kinda like that small wedding speech from a friend to a friend, the thing they do during ppl's wedding reception we see in the movies..haha. Telling a little bit about the happy, beautiful newly-wed couple. But since i only got the chance to befriend the bridegroom, i can only talk about the lad...but knowing him, i know, the bride is as wonderful, kind ppl as he is. ;]

so..i first met him, 10 yrs ago, i was the 'selebet' form 1 student, and he is the Form 3 prefect. Pertama kali berckp berdepan, masa beli burger dr gerai kelas dia, hari keluarga rsnya ms tu, and he was the one on duty. I lingered at his gerai, eyeing the burger ...( not eyeing sthg else..ok..eheh), and my father asked .." kak, nak burger ke..?". I remember, expression muka dia nih masa tuh..wuihh, serious betul, he didn't even laugh at some jokes my father made..( cehh..). But we bought the burger anyway. And that's it. Only God knows..that i would have more encounters with him in the future.

And later, during my form 2 year, i ventured my first attempt in debate. Actually..i dont really like to talk about this, because i didn't do anything proud enuff to be told..but the point is, he was among the debate team members, the seniors, or better said..the mentors. So...during practise and 'sesi debat persahabatan' with other schools, i get to know him more as i tagged along with the seniors. Slowly..we 'kikis' rs segan, kekok and tak biasa, and put our head together as one team. With them, i learnt many things, not only about debate stuffs, but also about making friends, and accepting differences as there were a mix of personalities in our team. But.. to make a long story short, i had a wonderful time, and all these ppl, play some small role during my learning life.

And, years passed..life goes on..who knows, we bumped in Friendster, and became friends again. ( i alwys consider him a friend, what i mean is 'connecting friend' ). Share views, give opinions, and motivate each other. Grateful to know and befriend a guy like him, someone who is a real friend, nothing more, nothing less. ( u know, because smtmes, it's hard to create clear-cut friendship with the different gender, ..). But, with him, i know, i have nothing to worry about. I even discussed and seek his opinion about some guy problems, which i guess..guy know better about guy..ehh? =]

well..it's getting long, and i better cut my speech short. To the both lovely couple, im sorry for not being able to 'meramaikan' and 'memeriahkan' ur wedding day, but my best wishes and prayers will alwys be send along the way. May the future filled with lots of happiness, love,and successes. May all obstacles faced with patience and endurance, knowing that together, u can face anything. May Allah bless both of you...dunia akhirat.

fuuh...my first wedding speech. Sorrylah..'cokia' sana sini, not used to doing this.
before i end, here's sthg..a piece of words i kept in a box where i keep nice quotes and meaningful words ..

to my friends who are....MARRIED..

Love is not about " it's your fault", but "Im sorry"
not "where are you?", but "Im right here"
not " how could you ?", but "I understand"
not " i wish you were", but " Im thankful you are"..

congratulations..mizy & kak ida!!!!=D

bla..bla..

2005-11-15T10:27:00.000-08:00

i was writing sthg else, but got to stop, and seek more info regarding it. Yeah..eventhough, this blogging stuffs might not be that big or important, but i do feel responsible to ensure im not 'polluting' anyone's mind with false facts and wrong informations, esp when it has sthg to do with vital parts of life, like religion. ..( yup, the 'skema' me, bingo! ).

yesterday, my first experience assisting 'minor oral surgery' ( MOS ). Getting 'scrubbed' and wore steriled gown..fuuh, suddenly, i pictured myself like all those surgeons in the OT ( eheh, wpun hanya MOS, but still,..). Berangan seminit, as the nurse tied up the gown behind me, that im about to work on a serious case, which no doctors or surgeons could manage it, and they have to seek my opinion and need my skills to operate on the patient, they have to flew me on a helicopter to get to the hospital in a hurry, as it is an urgent, emergency situation..and i would, make a serious, professional look on my face the entire time, nodding solemnly as i walked to the ppl waiting for me....Hah..berangan mmg syok. Okay, back to reality, me, assissting the MOS.

Actually, eheh, i was kinda hoping to do it, but nvmd, there'll be some other time. It's different, being the assisstant, who only helped and watched compared to the one who make the cuts and incision. Yeah, we wore the same blue gown, but the feelings and satisfaction are totally different..

okaylah..got some work to do...

love talks

2005-11-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

There were times when i wish i dont ponder or think too much about things going on in this world, it'll sure make my life easier. And sometimes, i hope that im not 'romantic', meanings that i care less about feelings, and dont keep questioning my heart.

What is the reason, to be with someone, to fall in love..?

One of my friends said, she accepted the guy ( her boyfriend ) into her life, because she wanted a boyfriend. Eventhough she liked someone else, ..but , how longer should she wait..? And what if she turned down the guy now, and end up alone later..? Tactfully I asked “.. but, do u like him..?”. Shrugging her shoulder, she answered "...alah..org perempuan ni mudah je nak cair…lambat laun kita akan suka dia jugak.” Hmm…I see..some generalization..

Another friend responded quite the same way, saying she couldn’t bear the thought of not having a boyfriend, when mostly everybody her age is seeing someone. She couldn’t stand her mother’s expectation, continuously questioning her about it. And most of all, she’s scared that she might not found any other man in the future, so...she might just as well stay with her current boyfriend, no matter what she feels inside. Well..wish u all the best,..

Some others said yes to a guy out of pity. Some of the relationships lasts and succeeded, while some other failed halfway. It’s hard, they said, because the feelings not there, and they felt guilty because they just drift through it half-heartedly. Looking at them, I have to say I respect them,..at least they’re being honest, while some ppl choose to play with ppl’s heart for the sake of being in a relationship.

One friend gave quite an interesting answer. “.. Because he could provide me the stable future I wanted, I don’t want to be the breadwinner of the family..and i dont want to 'feed' my husband.. ” Now, that’s an honest, straight from the heart answer. Eventhough she said it jokingly, she got a point there. Well..not to say that women are materialistic, but looking at statistics, it usually cause quite some problem later in marriage life when there’s too huge gap of difference in financial aspects, between husband and wife, esp when it involves male ego, and worsen by snotty remarks from 'busybody' ppl around. But saying that..it all depends "...lain org, lainlah kan.” Success or failure in a marriage, it's entirely up to u to decide and work it out.

Different ppl have different reasons. Im not here to criticize or judge anyone, how u live in this world, it's u who make the choices. And I believe every decision made is a result of serious considering and thinking. The important thing is u are happy and able to make the other person happy, willing to be responsible for ur decision, ready to share the ups and downs..be there for one another, and bring the best out of each other. Aren’t that what being in a relationship is all about..

Some talks from a plain girl who never really be in one. But that’s how I see it. It’s not about being lovey-dovey 24/7, but the reality within it, is fake and full of hypocracy. Relationship between a man and woman should not be based because ‘u want pakwe/makwe - jd terima sjlah sapa2 pun’. It’s not about finding someone who's able to build u big mansion, which would be totally meaningless if the heart is filled with emptiness. But deciding to be with someone, maybe is simply because u like being with that person. Comfortable being urself, at ease day and night. From ordinary friendship, it blossomed to something more than that, without u realizing it. U are finally 'at home', safe and protected emotionally, and the other person did nothing other than sit next to u. U feel connected, able to open up and talk about anything,everything effortlessly. At that moment, u knew, that this person is no longer the same person u met years or months before. His or her position in your heart has shifted. Higher. Or should I say ..deeper.

And..perhaps..by that time, ur eyes stop wandering around. Ur mind stop wondering and searching, and u realised that this is the person u wish to see everyday ur whole life. The person whom u want to grow old with, build family and stay together...insyaAllah..and u know that other than this person..there's no one else. Fullstop.

See..told ya it’s hard when u think too much…

my Adik..a man.

2005-11-06T20:12:00.000-08:00

looking at my adik bungsu. Hard to believe it smtmes, how grown up he is rite now, when i can still remember the first sight of him sleeping soundly in the baby cot 12 yrs ago. I was 11 yrs old then,the excited and curious sister peering inside the baby trolley in hospital, at my new family member ..( and the last one..). And still remember my worriedness, as he had slightly 'blue' chin..due to some strangulation in the womb..( according to my mother's word "berbelit tali pusat" ). Gladly the 'bluish colour' slowly fade away, and wasn't permanent..eheh, we made fun about it to him smtmes..jokingly said that he was born with a blue chin..=p.

And now..'voila'..the cute boy of ours..has now transformed into this handsome boy..( ..yeah2, i have to admit this one fact, and if he heard me saying this, he would beamed like red apple!), who from day to day becoming taller and 'hairy-ier'. ehhe..giving us another point to tease him about, saying stuffs like.." tengok misai dia..wuyyo..naik misai dh.." or.." ..ehh adik, dah bermisai jambang la skarang nih...". Ahah..he would then smugly smile, like he is proud of his 'misai', proving his maleness. And speaking of it, perhaps we should stop addressing and calling him by this 'adik' nickname, realising that now he is no longer the little boy in the family.

but ..it is not the physical changes that triggers me to write about him. The other day, our Internet connection broke down, and me..the ever-blurr about IT thingy, more else fixing machines or stuffs like computer, was struggling in a failing attempt, trying to find a cause of it..or better said, pretending to fix it. And along came Adik, offering his help. As i sat behind and watched him seriously checking here and there, i noticed a well-known male trait in my little brother, 'the fixer' who finds satisfaction in repairing things. Remembering my other brother, Abe who enjoyed fixing broken radio when he was a kid and also one of my father's hobby and speciality. The 'problem -solver', who will not give up, until he did all he could to make things better. The 'Martian', whe needs no advice or help from woman, unless he seeks and asks for it. Hehe..and i was restraining myself at that moment, to avoid my mouth from saying anything, and simply watched, until he gave up by himself. At that time, i know, that the apple of the family's eye..is no longer the baby, but is now a growing boy, slowly becoming a man.

Yeah..i know im gonna miss my once 'manja' Adik, but.. deep down, im proud of the man my Adik is becoming. No longer the 'little one', but a boy who helps around the house, who joins his big brother staying up late to watch a live football match,and the boy who's becoming more matured in his words and behaviour. Noticing his 'jubah' which is now short, hanging below knee level as he prayed next to my father during 'tarawikh', indicating his growth. Looking at his 'growing' moustache, silently amused at him blushing when teased about a particular girl, or when he admitted that he likes looking at one girl in the TV..( haha..). Knowing that in the next few years.. ( or maybe months..), he'll be walking beside me, looking more like a big brother rather than my Adik..( and by that time, ill have another 'bodyguard' when i go out..ehhe ). Can't wait.

Malam 1 Syawal

2005-11-03T01:33:00.000-08:00

hmm..ntah kenapa, nak menulis tapi bila menghadap komputer je, hilang idea ntah kemana. Tak tahu nak mula di mana. Nak bercerita mcm2, tapi beku je otak ni. Agaknya ini ke yg dikata ' mental block'..? writer's block..? apa2 jelah..

Apa2 pun, Ramadhan baru berlalu, menyaksikan aku masih mcm dulu. MAcam nilah, tak bnyk perubahan sebelum dan sesudah Ramadhan. Sedangkan harapan dan azam pada awalnya sgt berdegar2. ISkk..Ya Allah, aku ulang kesilapan yg sama jugak, Ramadhan aku tak pergunakan sepenuhnya. Peluang yg Engkau bentang, endah tak endah aku sambut, sedang aku tak tahu masih berkesempatankah lagi utk bertemu Ramadhan yg seterusnya.Ya Allah..pertemukan kami dgn Ramadhan-Mu lagi...

Bila usia dh tak 'kanak2' lagi, ketibaan 1 Syawal sudah tak terasa apa sgt. Cuma nak kekalkan suasana meriah menyambutnya, agar kemesraan dan keseronokan sesama ahli keluarga tak hilang dgn peredaran usia. Lagi pulak bila melihatkan adik2 bersungguh excited, ( mcm aku dululah) ,jd berusaha utk pastikan mood raya sentiasa ada dlm diri, pabila tiba 1 Syawal. Persiapan raya kat rumah aku biasa dan sederhana, takde nak bertukar2 kusyen ke langsir..apa yg ada kita elokkan rupa, dan guna. Projek biskut raya pun ,ehhe..masih berjalan, cuma tak se'membazir' dulu, yg biasanya menyebabkan adalah 2-3 jenis biskut yg kurg laku bertapa lama dlm balang berbulan2 lepas raya. Sekarang, kitorg buat yg menjadi favourite adik beradik je, biskut cornflakes, coklat cip dan tart nenas gulung..dan beli 2-3 jenis yg lain sikit2. Sebenarnya apa yg best ialah proses membuat biskut beramai2 tu..yg akan melibatkan segenap tenaga adik beradik..( kecuali Abe, ..yg liat nak menolong tp menghadap biskut sebalang..eheh, ). Seorg tukang adun, seorg tukang bentuk dan hias, tukang bakar dan susun dlm balang. Hah..ada jugak 'tukang rasa', yg biasanya akan mendapat jelingan tajam dr yg lain.." ..tolong rasa je, sedap ke tidak.. ". Ehhee..bende2 mcm nilah yg menjadikan suasana menyambut Syawal lebih terasa gembiranya.

Bersempena kehadiran Syawal ni, aku pun nak mengambil kesempatan ni mengucapkan SELAMAT MENYAMBUT 'AIDILFITRI, semoga ada sikit perubahan kalau tak bnyk dlm diri kita, hasil didikan sebulan Ramadhan. Tak perlu berubah secara drastik atau yg besar2, yg kecil2 tapi istiqomah lebih baik. Kita usaha dan cuba buat yg terbaik lagi Ramadhan akan datang. Dan jugak , aku dgn rendah diri nak meminta maaf andai ada kata2 , tulisan atau perbuatan aku yg pernah menyakitkan atau mengguris hati sesiapa. Frankly, aku sgt menghargai semua pembaca yg mengunjungi blog nih, menyedari isi kandungannya hanya bende2 biasa dr fikiran aku, tapi mengetahui ada org membaca di luar sana, menjadikan aku lebih bersemangat utk menulis dan bercerita. ..terima kasih =]..

okeylah..mlm dh larut. Kena gosok baju raya utk esok hari..till later, Salam Lebaran..!

you are on the air !

2005-10-30T09:07:00.000-08:00

As i was listening to the deejay chattering lively with callers, I couldn’t help but imagine how it is to be a deejay. U know..entertain strangers woes and stories, and not all of them are interesting. Sitting in the ‘konti’ for hours, talking endlessly. Have they ever experienced going blank or 'lost' of what to say, or just keep repeating the same sentences over and over, until listeners got bored and switched to another station, and they got kicked out for causing low ratings..ehhe. Now that’s a wild, 'melampau' imagination...ehhe.

I remembered once, I did thought of trying my skill of dee-jaying, (okaylah..rosakkan bhs plak) to becoming a deejay. No, I didn’t go for any audition, just picturing myself, and gotten quite absorbed with it. I told my sisters, but their reply was really ‘inspiring’ …“ kak nak jadi deejay?..hmmph..alamatnya takde org dgrlah radio kak tuh..”. Cehh…

But, the more I think about it, the more fun it seems. U talk without being seen. Listen to musics, and converse with ppl u don’t know. Even better, u can cut the line when u got bored listening to them rattling nonstop about trying to fix the washing machine and pretend not guilty by saying ..“ ops,,talian terputus nampaknya..”. Hhehe..(making a devilish grin ). And u could share ur views and points with ppl, u could even help them solve their problems. Smtmes, ppl don’t need solutions, they just want to talk to someone to lessen the burden inside. In that sense, u are actually contributing some teeny help that might not really gonna be remembered or considered as big, but at least ur existence in this world make it a better place to someone. Someone might find ur bland rantings funny and interesting, that could brighten their day and create smile on their faces. Some other might benefit from ur simple talk about life, and help them in some way or another. Who knows, ur not-so-glamourous job, ( other than rAdio ERA deejays ) where u r hidden from the public, is how u can actually be a good citizen, doing ur part in the society. Yes, small it may seem, but i found myself many times, moved and touched while listening to some of the words by the deejays. ( and maybe that's how i started 'berangan' to be a deejay..ehhe)

When the caller trust u enough to share their deepest secret, without even knowing u. When they let our their anguish and sadness of losing their loved ones by crying in the phone, telling it to u. When u are given the priviledge to talk about almost anything on air, that will be heard by the entire nation. To entertain the people with songs and cheerful notes, inspire them with words, challenge their minds through discussions and offer them solace and help when needed. Hmm.. i believe this is a noble job, if we choose to make it that way. Not everyone is lucky enough to be given the chance to have their voice loved, waited and anticipated each day by the radio. Wahh..being a radio deejay is becoming more 'inviting' to my eyes now..

and speaking of it, what comercial name should i use,..erm, now this is the toughest and most crucial part..heheh. Should i use 'justme' ? emm..no, too boring. What about 'naz'..? ermm..to simple and ordinary. OR.."justnaz' ? No..too complicated to pronounce,, and sounded stupid as well.

ok..enuff of berangan. Think about the name if it's really gonna to happen, ok naz. It'll save ur time and reduced the wrinkles on ur forehead for thinking too much about this, which is quite unlikely to ever happen.

majlis ilmu

2005-10-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

hari tu, aku dan dua org kwn baik berpeluang utk dengar satu forum Ramadhan yg diadakan lepas solat tarawikh. Tahun ni, solat tarawikh terakhir aku di kolej yg dh pun aku duduki hampir 5 thn sbg pelajar ( wuih..pejam celik je kan hidup nih, pantasnya smpi tak terasa masa berlalu..)insyaAllah...thn depan kat mana pulak aku berterawikh. Di kolej aku, kami bertarawikh di surau lelaki. Peliknya,.bila dibuat di surau lelaki, ramai je muslimah turun..kalau buat kat musolla asrama prpmn, tak seramai mana..ehhe. Pada pdpt peribadi penulis-lah, mungkin disbbkan faktor lebih 'best' berimamkan org lelaki, lebih terasa bersolat tarawikh di bulan Ramadhan dgn keramaian suara sahutan selawat, ditambah pulak surau lelaki yg lebih luas dan selesa. And speaking of imam nih, aku sgt kagum dgn imam yg mengepalai jemaah kami setiap malam. Kefasihan dan kelancarannya menghafal surah2 Al-Quran..dan mampu mengalunkannya dgn baik, boleh membuatkan org yg mendengar rs nak menitis airmata. Student tahfiz agaknya...

sebenarnya bukan itu yg aku nak cerita. Psl forum Ramadhan yg disampaikan oleh 3 org panel. 2 org panel yg pertama, bercerita dgn gaya yg cukup hebat, ditambah lagi dengan lawak2 jenaka yg membuatkan hadirin gelak bagai nak pecah perut. Beza dengan panel ketiga, yg mana penampilannya jugak agak 'kurang gah', dengan susuk tubuh yg lebih kecil, nampak 'terlindung' dibandingkan 2 panel yg awal. Tapi, aku rasa panel ketiga paling berjaya 'mengikat' aku, terus khusyuk mendengar sehingga habis, paling berkesan dlm menyampaikan apa yg ingin disampaikan. Beliau sgt bersahaja, suara nya biasa je, takde intonasi2 tinggi rendah seorg penceramah, lebih seperti gaya seorg ustaz mengajar agama dlm kelas. Dan dia jugak tak berlawak jenaka, cuma sekali2 disulam tawa dan gurau. Anehnya..dia yg lebih menarik perhatian aku sbg pendengar..

Teringat pada Ustaz Zulkifli, yg dtg berceramah ketika aku masih di Smapl. Sama jugak senarionya, penceramah pertama, berceramah sehingga menyebabkan dewan gegak gempita dgn ketawa. Tp, penceramah kedua, yg tampil lebih 'senyap', memukau seluruh dewan sehingga terdiam mendengarkan kata2 yg keluar mulutnya. Kelancarannya menyebut hadis2, gaya dan suaranya yg tenang dlm menyampaikan ilmu,..sedar tak sedar mata basah. Sehabis ceramah, aku dan Asma'a berkejar mendapatkan Ustaz yg berjalan pantas2 ni. Aku cuma temankan Asma'a yg nk bertanya soalan, dan mengambil kesempatan melihat wajah tenangnya dr dekat. Pada aku dia berjaya, meninggalkan kesan sikit kalau tak bnyk dlm hati yg mendengar. Ehhe..aku dan asm'aa siap ambil autograph dia..mesti konfius ustaz seorg ni, apsallah kitorg gi ambil signature dan no tel dia..ehhe..

ringkasnya, tak perlu tarik perhatian org utk mendengar apa yg ingin kita kata dgn lawak2 jenaka yg ada antaranya pada hemat aku, sudah agak berlebihan...terutama jika ia majlis ilmu agama. Sehingga org balik dr ceramah, lebih ingat lawaknya dr buah ilmu yg disampaikan. Sehingga kadang2 aku rasa, hanya dpt ketawa shj, tapi isinya takde. Berlawak bergurau tak salah, malah perlu utk elakkan hadirin mengantuk atau keadaan jd terlalu formal dan serius, tapi jgnlah lawak jenaka tu pulak lebih hebat dr pokok ilmu yg nak diutarakan. And subtle jokes are much more preferable, rather than lawak2 yg kita boleh dgr di kedai kopi.

oohh..serius plak aku mlm ni ehh. Dh lama nak ckp psl topik nih..cuma tak tahu nak mula dan tutup mcm mana. Aku tak condemn atau critic sesapa, just voicing out what i feel. What i personally think how it should be. Pun begitu , aku faham..lain org, lainlah caranya..kan..? Cuma, yelah..there's always room for improvements, and im saying this mostly to myself..( berckp pandai, beban ditanggung kat bahu aku yg berckp nih..sapa nak jwb..)

oklah..lain kali plak..selamat ye semua..bye!

it's the tagging thing again!

2005-10-24T02:04:00.000-07:00

.." tag me more, tag me more..'cos i like doing this.."- ( sing it like Danny Zucko( john Travolta ) and Olivia-Newton John in Grease )..ehhe..=D..

im tagged by ghoyye =]. Ready..scroll on..

seven things u plan to do before u die
- be a loving wife and mother ( grow old with my hubby, and watch my kids grow )
- pilgrimmage to Mecca with husband, ayah and mama
- go to Japan and converse fluently in Japanese with the locals.
- be a good dentist and have my own clinic
- publish some of my writings
- open a nursery/kindergarten atau, paling2 tak, kelas mengaji Quran.
- be the best Mukminah and human being as a whole.

seven things i cannot do
- read in a moving car, or any transport - nanti pening!
- naik suara to my parents.
- eat any live insects or gross, smelly foods like in Fear Factor - im willing to participate, under one condition, no eating or drinking yucky-slimy stuffs.
- lie. im a teribble liar - it's either i feel guilty or i can't keep a straight face while doing it.
- read book ( esp educational book ) for straight 5 hours nonstop.( it's either i fall asleep or i got bored and do sthg else )
- snap or yell to the person im angry at infront of their face.( wpun dh practise dpn cermin beforehand, i still cant )
- pretend to be reckless atau tak kisah about something, or trying to be tak bertanggungjwb about a task - i cant, ill relapse to my old self in no time.

seven things i can do
- makan sgt bnyk at one time ( seriously i can, and worry about the weight gain later )
- soberly cry or be excitedly happy for sthg not closely related to me, like crying when reading berita kematian family org dlm paper atau be over-ly gembira sampai jd sebak tak psl2 bila observe a happy, loving couple kahwin (duuhh..naz )
- sleep while sitting straight on the chair ( and smtmes org kat blkg tak realise pun tgh tido )
- write poems, that's dug deep from my heart..(..ehhe..)
- make fun of myself, or laugh at my own silliness.
- going from one place to another on foot, and public transport all day long...even on my own.( tp it's more fun to do this with someone 'sekepala' with me )
- listen to the same one song, over and over again for days. ( ms tgh suka sgt lagu tuh )

seven celebrity crushes
- Colin Firth, in "Bridget Jones Diary 2"..( sigh )
- Jet Li, in most of his movies,esp in the movie where he becomes the bodyguard to a rich lady.
- Jang Dong Gun, in all his movies...( to anybody who has no idea who he is, ( esp kakak ), he's one of the top Korean actor.
- Jonathan Brandis, in " Sidekick " ( ms nih, i was still in primary school, isk2..)
- Tony Leung Chiu Wai, in " Infernal Affairs ", and maybe all other movies of him as well..ehhe.
- John Travolta..( esp to his voice..)
- Yutaka Takenouchi..

seven often repeated words
- ehh..ye ke?
- Mana ade -lah..!
- ..comel la plak ( name of person ) buat cemtu..
- jiayou/fighting/gambaro!!
- aaaa...macam mana nih..
- betullah macam org/naz ckp...
- cehh..

seven things that attract me to the opposite sex
- 'Matured and calm' in attitude.
- The type that 'buat keje sendiri and tak ambil pusing org sekeliling' (seriously into his work)
- have his own mind, yet respects other's opinions..
- Confidently positive.
- able to communicate with me. (talk,argue,listen, understand ) plus fun to talk to ! And can talk about anything..eveything..
- quite religious, maksudnya bolehlah jadi imam sembahyang.
- emm..*****.

seven tags to go to ( im tagging my ex-schoolmates =] . Buat, jgn tak buat ! )
- farr
- pa'e
- esteena
- suhail
- kaydee
- teh azreen
- huda azni aka nuzray

..now, that's some revelation..okla, penatlah! bye!